Ya Think, Newt Gingrich?

Newt Gingrich said what anybody with eyeballs and earballs already knows about the Orange Don’s empty promise to “drain the swamp” in Washington, DC. It bears repeating, though:

“I’m told [Trump] now just disclaims [draining the swamp]. He now says it was cute, but he doesn’t want to use it anymore.”

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Judging by the long list of millionaires and billionaires that donated to the sociopathic orangutan’s campaign and now have plum Cabinet positions, we’d say you’re right, Newt! Of course, he’s since walked back that claim, because he wants to be part of that swamp, pretty please!

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Bless Your Heart, Trump Adviser Carl Paladino

It’s that time again, America. Somebody done fucked up and made it all about themselves, which means it’s time for us to condescendingly tell them: Bless your heart.

This edition comes to us from Trump adviser Carl Paladino, seen here looking like a mafia boss coming to collect an overdue bribe. That or a Dollar Store version of Emperor Palpatine – it changes depending on the lighting.

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Before we get into the meat of the story, let’s give you the background on our charming subject. Emperor Carl Tony Soprano Palpatine is a New York businessman who specializes in real estate development, just like his orange-tinted idol. He ran for governor of New York in 2010 against Mario Cuomo. The campaign was going splendidly until people found out that Emperor Carl’s, Jr. Paladino only believed in the sanctity of marriage when espousing his anti-gay platform, not when it came to his own personal vows. Yes, our buddy Carl decided to go off and have a love-child with one of his staffers. His message to his wife of almost 40 years when she found out? “Get over it.”

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So what did this paragon of morality, Emperor Vinny Testaverde Paladino, do to celebrate the birth of the Lord and Savior of the Republican Party Donald Trump Jesus Christ? Why, he “accidentally” forwarded a racist diatribe about the Obamas to a Buffalo newspaper, that’s what! The Buffalo publication Artvoice sent a survey to Paladino and 41 other people asking them about their hopes for the upcoming year. These were Emperor Douchewater Paladino’s responses:

“What would you most like to happen in 2017?

Obama catches mad cow disease after being caught having relations with a Herford [sic]. He dies before his trial and is buried in a cow pasture next to [Obama adviser] Valerie Jarret [sic], who died weeks prior, after being convicted of sedition and treason, when a Jihady [sic] cell mate mistook her for being a nice person and decapitated her.

What would you like to see go away in 2017?

Michelle Obama. I’d like her to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.”

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We’ve spoken about white oppression before, America, and wouldn’t you know it? A bunch of folks got their panties in a twist and started accusing Emperor Carl of being – gasp – racist! And he is not happy about it, you guys. He is shocked and offended that anyone would think suggesting a Black woman go to Africa (where she was not born) and fuck a gorilla is racist. The mere suggestion gives him the vapors, like the genteel Southern lady he isn’t.

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When asked about why the fuck he decided this survey response was a good idea, Trump’s butt buddy and soulmate had this to say. From NY Daily News:

“I never intended to hurt the minority community who I spent years trying to help out of the cycle of poverty in our inner cities,’ Paladino said in the statement. ‘To them I apologize. [….] I wanted to say something as sarcastic and hurtful as possible about the people who are totally responsible for the hurt and suffering of so many others. I was wired up, primed to be human and I made a mistake. I could not have made a worse choice in the words I used to express my feelings.’

Paladino said he only intended to share the comments with friends but hit ‘reply’ instead of ‘forward’ on an email, sending his remarks to ArtVoice by mistake.

[….] ‘For the mean-spirited, disoriented press trying to find grounding and recover legitimacy on my back, pray that you still have a job next year because you have lost all credibility with the people,’ he wrote.”

Aw, poor, delicate snowflake! The indignity of being called racist when you are just “trying to help” the “minority community” by – we guess, from the looks of his website – buying real estate in downtown Buffalo? Because “building great structures” is the true definition of sacrifice and helping your fellow man, as the Orange Don has taught us all.

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Even better, this asshole somehow manages to make himself the victim in all this because he doesn’t know how the “Reply” button works, and the press is just so mean to him. Bless your heart, Carl Paladino – you really think you’re the victim in all this? Sorry boo, but:

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The Republican Healthcare Plan In A Nutshell: Try Not To Get Sick

We have less than a month to go before we can change GossiPol’s countdown timer from “Days until President Camacho’s Inauguration” to “Days until President Camacho’s Impeachment.” With time ticking away on the clock before Republicans have control of a rabid orangutan the presidency, the House, and the Senate, the GOP is still short on healthcare proposals. This is not surprising, considering the Republican-controlled Congress has beenand remains – one of the most historically ineffective.

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But hold on a minute – are we talking about the same Republican Congress that constantly bitched about Obamacare and threatened to repeal it? Why yes, yes we are! They are one and the same. Now, far be it from us to accuse these hypocrites of failing to come up with ideas. Oh, they’ve got ideas alright – just not good ones. Now, apparently, the plan is to replace Obamacare with “universal access.” This means that you can buy insurance if you feel like it. That’s sure to give ERs and Urgent Care Centers across the country pause, isn’t it? From the New York Times, via MSN:

“‘Our goal here is to make sure that everybody can buy coverage or find coverage if they choose to,’ a House leadership aide told journalists on the condition of anonymity at a health care briefing organized by Republican leaders. [….] ‘We would like to get to a point where we have what we call universal access, where everybody is able to access coverage to some degree or another. Over the past six years, if you look at the experience we’ve had with the A.C.A. rollout, chasing coverage doesn’t necessarily yield great outcomes.’”

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First of all, how the fuck does the Republican plan translate to people not “chasing coverage”? You’re still looking for the best plan in a sea of plans that only provide coverage “to some degree or another.” Great – so by “some degree or another,” you mean most of the plans won’t fully cover me? How is this better, Republicans? If an insurance carrier only covers 50% of a $100,000 procedure, how am I still not bankrupted when I can’t pony up the other half? We’ve said before that Obamacare needs changes, but is this really the best the GOP could come up with?

But wait, America – it gets so much better. Rep. Bill Huizenga has a super-helpful suggestion for the plebs who can’t afford full coverage – wait it out. From Michigan Live:

“Huizenga says more responsibility needs to shift to the shoulders of patients to reduce costs. [….] The father of five offered a personal example of how this shift might play out. He says his youngest son fell and injured his arm. Not sure if it was sprained or broken, he and his wife decided to wait until the next morning to take the 10-year-old to the doctor’s office, instead of going to the emergency room that night. The arm was broken. ‘We took every precaution but decided to go in the next morning [because of] the cost difference. If he had been more seriously injured, we would have taken him in. [….] If you don’t have a cost difference, you’ll make different decisions.’”

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We don’t even know where to begin with this asshole. To be fair, he immediately regretted saying that, especially since people rightly pointed out that if you don’t immediately treat a broken bone, you can have serious side effects. But at the same time, goddess bless him for accidentally speaking truth to power. This, in actuality, is the Republican health care plan: “Wait it out. Do you really need to treat that broken bone when your deductible is so high?” That’s part of what both parties allegedly want to fix, but that’s not really true, is it? In reality, that’s what liberals like Bernie Sanders want to fix.

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What Republicans like Rep. Huizenga want to fix are the burdensome costs on the poor insurance companies. Because guess who contributes the most to his campaign? You guessed it – insurance companies. Just like Trump’s appointee for Health and Human Services Secretary, Rep. Tom Price, the politicians who want your premiums to go up are the same assholes who take in massive amounts of cash from insurance companies and drug manufacturers. Remember that when you go the polls for mid-term elections, America. You’ll remember better if you don’t go to the polls hopped on meth and computer duster again.

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People Now Have To Pay For The Dubious Pleasure Of The Trump Family’s Company

Like any good prostitute, the Trump family believes that if you want the torment pleasure of their company, you’ll have to pay for it. Some might argue this is the only way they can get any “real friends” to hang out with them, but we’re going to try real hard and remain free of any cynicism.

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Now that Daddy Dearest has been elected by a minority of the country, the Orange Don’s kids have taken the opportunity to make that money by whoring themselves out auctioning off a chance to spend time with them. It’s all for “charity,” of course. You know by now, America, that when we mention the words “charity” and “Trump” in the same sentence, there’s always a catch, don’t you?

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First, we have Trump’s longtime crush daughter, Ivanka. Just last week, the Eric Trump Foundation was auctioning off the chance to have a 45-minute coffee “date” with Stockholm Syndrome Barbie. The highest bid came in at $72,888 from a company called Go Hydrogen that doesn’t really appear to exist anymore. Even worse, three of the businessmen bidders admitted that they hoped to win the auction specifically so they could lobby President-Elect Camacho through his daughter.

The money was supposed to benefit the Eric Trump Foundation, which was then supposed to give the money to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. The Trump kids cancelled the auction after the NY Times called them on their bullshit. Eric (the one we affectionately call “Bloodless Vampire”) released the following statement after cancelling the auction:

“Today, the only people that lost are the children of St. Jude.”

To which we reply:

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Eric Trump is worth a mere $150 million, so we know it would’ve broken the bank for him to simply write out a tax-deductible $72K check to St. Jude’s. Looking cancer-stricken kids in the eye and telling them that they won’t be getting charitable donations because some other millionaire won’t write him a check had to be hard, but Bloodless Vampire persevered. We applaud his restraint and fortitude in telling St. Jude’s to go fuck itself. But Bloodless Vampire closely follows the ho code manual, which clearly dictates that you don’t give that ass away for free, and we really can’t be mad at that.

Luckily, this run-in with ethical violations hasn’t deterred the Trump spawn from walking the ho stroll. Just today, TMZ obtained an invitation created the Trump spawn to an auction for multi-day hunting and fishing trips with Bloodless Vampire and his brother American Psycho (birth name: Donald, Jr.). Of course the auction takes place on Inauguration Day, because pay-to-play shouldn’t wait one single hour to commence in the new Trump administration. The proceeds will go to “conservation charities,” because nothing says conservation like killing rare and exotic species.

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For a mere $1 million, you can watch Bloodless Vampire and American Psycho attempt (and probably fail) to achieve an erection by shooting creatures smarter than them. For only $500K, you can meet the sworn-in President of the United States and go hunting with him or his kids. We can only assume that shooting his rabid weave would cost extra.

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Again, Trump voters, explain to us how Hillary was the more corrupt choice?

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President-Elect Camacho’s National Security Team Is Looking Pretty Solid, You Guys

If the NSA’s goal is to rid the world of Muslims, the Orange Don certainly picked the right people for the job. Joining General Jack D. Ripper in Trump’s National Security Council will be Jihad Barbie, Monica Crowley, who will serve as strategic director of national communications. She’s seen here, looking like a Real Housewife who just got a blowout with her third husband’s alimony check:

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Jihad Barbie’s career has consisted of two notable bullet points: slobbing off a post-impeachment Richard Nixon so she could write a bunch of unauthorized biographies after his death, and writing (mostly) un-plagiarized “think pieces” for NPR, Fox News, and the Washington Post.

Her real qualification, though, stems from her progressive views on a religion shared in common by 1 billion people, all of whom are apparently evil motherfuckers. Here’s a sampling of some of the most outrageous shit Jihad Barbie has said about Muslims, from Yahoo:

“Some [refugees] may be fleeing war and persecution, but most are not. In fact, only about 10 percent of the new arrivals [into Europe] are from Syria; the other 90 percent are from elsewhere in the Middle East, North Africa and countries like Pakistan and Indonesia who are using the European Union’s open doors-open borders policy to reach the West for social welfare and the longer-term goal of spreading Islam.”

No word yet on where she pulled that “90 percent” statistic from, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say: her ass. The numbers show that there were actually 378,000 asylum seekers from Syria – by far the most of any country, comprising 29% of all asylum seekers. The next two countries were Afghanistan and Iraq, where – you know – actual wars are going on. We’re glad, though, that Jihad Barbie didn’t let a pesky thing like underestimating the number of Syrian refugees by a three-to-one ratio deter her from shooting off at the mouth.

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“We were told that many Muslims turned away food provided by the International Red Cross because it was stamped with a Christian cross.”

Someone tell the Red Cross to change their symbol back to the First Aid cross. It’s really confusing the Muslim refugees, who I’m so sure preferred starving to death over eating food that had a non-Christian cross stamped on it.

“Islam is no mere religion. It is an all-encompassing ideological system that dictates everything from law (Shariah) to personal relationships which also have religious elements. [….] It therefore requires that we fight this war the way we fought the Nazis in World War II and Soviet communists during the Cold War.”

Gurl, if one billion people decided to declare jihad on the Western World, we’d be super fucked. Also, we love how she’s like, “Islam is no mere religion. It has all these laws and moral codes – you know, like the very definition of a religion.”

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Our favorite, though, has to be this tweet, which Jihad Barbie ostensibly posted in support of the Orange Don’s brilliant Mexican wall plan:

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We don’t even know where to begin with this. First of all, aren’t conservatives supposed to hate Communism? Second of all, wasn’t the Berlin Wall an abject failure in preventing people from crossing over to the other side? I was a kid when the Wall was torn down at the request of a Republican president. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember everybody being super psyched about it coming down. From what I understand, people were not nearly as happy when the wall was built. But, hey, things like statistics and history and common sense are obviously not Jihad Barbie’s strong suit.

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We do wish we could be a fly on the wall when General Jack D. Ripper and Jihad Barbie get together for security briefings. We’re sure it’ll consist primarily of them live-Tweeting the latest conspiracy theories queefed out by Russian hackers. They’ve got a lot of work to do, though, if they want to outstrip their boss’ embarrassing social media gaffes.

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