We have a new player, America! Welcome Trump spokesperson and deranged, crispy-fried Stepford Wife Kellyanne Conway to the Game, seen here looking delighted at the prospect of having completely butt-fucked the country she supposedly loves:
Our girl Kellyanne has been dubbed “The Trump Whisperer” after she was able to housebreak a sociopathic orangutan. Of course she failed miserably at preventing him from shitting the bed during her run as his campaign co-chair, but she was successful at convincing Middle America that a 70-year-old spoiled man-baby actually gives enough fucks about them to Make America Great Again.
The secret to her success? Wait, look over there! Shiny object! No, don’t actually look over there. We mean that’s part of her strategy. Jesus, America, you fall for that trick every time, don’t you? Anyway, pretty much every interview with Kellyanne consisted of the following three-step process:
No, not that three-step process, this one:
Step One: Interviewer asks tough question about any number of shitty things the Orange Don has done.
Step Two: Kellyanne chastises the interviewer for asking such a tough question.
Step Three: Kellyanne then rambles on through gritted teeth about any number of things that don’t involve how terrible her candidate is. Among her favorites are conspiracy theories about liberals, bitching about the media, and oh, shiny objects! Wouldn’t we much rather talk about shiny objects than about what a racist, sexist pig her boss is?
Our girl Kellyanne worked really hard to cover up her boss’ various pussy-grabbing misdeeds, and was punished rewarded with a mysterious “big position” in Trump’s new administration. In the meantime, though, she remains Trump’s babysitter spokesperson. Normally a spokesperson is supposed to be – you know, professional – but our girl Kellyanne threw out the rulebook on Sunday during an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash. When asked about the possibility of Trump picking Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Kellyanne had this to say:
“I’m all for party unity, but I’m not sure we have to pay for that with the secretary of state position. It’s just breathtaking in scope and intensity the type of messages I’ve received from all over the country … the number of people who feel betrayed to think that Gov. Romney would get the most prominent Cabinet post after he went so far out of his way to hurt Donald Trump.”
Much like other Trump-brand Game of Thrones players, Kellyanne has decided to take the not-so-subtle route in telling her boss she thinks he’s a fucking idiot. Needless to say, Trump didn’t take too kindly to that shit. Two sources from the Trump camp said the Orange Don is “furious” that our girl Kellyanne is “pushing her own agenda” instead of doing her job like a normal person. Hmmm, wonder who those “two sources” could be? Does one of them look like he’s winning his battle against bulimia and alcohol abstention, while the other looks like a total narc?
Are we really surprised that Trump’s administration is already cannibalizing itself? I mean, when you look at the great role model they have at the top, why wouldn’t it be every man or woman for themselves?
If you’re in Trump’s administration, you’ve got approximately a year or two before Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget either fires you for some indiscernible reason or he gets impeached. You might as well take everything you can get before you find yourself in the unemployment line. Because in the Trump-Brand Game of Thrones, you either win, or you – well, actually, nobody wins the Trump-brand Game of Thrones, least of all America.