So many candidates! Will it be alt-right studmuffin Steve Bannon, former editor-in-chief of Breitbart, seen here looking hobo-chic (which only drives the liberal dykes crazy)?
Or perhaps it will be Republican Littlefinger and newly-appointed Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus (or Rinse Pubis as he’s known to his buddy, prominent sleeptalker Dr. Ben Carson), seen here contemplating how to make the new Republican platform only a hair less bigoted.
It remains to be seen, but boy are they already fighting dirty. You see, these guys fucking hate each other. Neither one seems to particularly like the Orange Don, either. Rinse Pubis endorsed Trump with all the excitement of a man who’s come to terms with his initial herpes diagnosis. “Yeah, it’s official – it’s a cold sore on my dick, alright. But it’s my cold sore and my dick, so I guess we’ll be friends eventually.” Bannon, before getting on board the Trump Train, didn’t seem too keen on the idea of putting a sociopathic orangutan in America’s highest office. He told Vanity Fair this past summer that Trump was “a blunt instrument – I don’t know whether he really gets it or not.”
But never let it be said that Hobo Steve doesn’t know a good mark when he sees one. Not too long after calling Trump a clueless tool, he hopped on the Drumpf Express and rode it all the way to Washington, DC.
Sadly, America, there can only be one who sits atop the Cheeto-encrusted throne. Already in the last couple of days, Rinse Pubis and Hobo Steve were vying to be the victors of a game where pretty much everybody loses. It started with a seemingly innocuous appointment for their poodle-coiffed pawn to meet with the New York Times. The Orange Don was scheduled to meet with the Times yesterday. He abruptly cancelled that meeting the only way he knows how: by going on a Twitter rant.
He claimed that the NYT changed the terms of their meeting. Turns out, though, it was Trump’s camp who changed the terms of that meeting, not them. From the New York Times:
“[Trump] abruptly called off his meeting at The Times in a Twitter post, contending that the paper had changed its terms for how the conversation could be reported. A Times spokeswoman, Eileen Murphy, said the paper had made no such changes, and said that Mr. Trump’s team requested on Monday that the meeting be off the record — a request The Times declined. Three people with knowledge of Mr. Trump’s deliberations said that Reince Priebus, the incoming White House chief of staff, had tried to scuttle the meeting at The Times by telling Mr. Trump, erroneously, that the newspaper was shifting its terms. Mr. Priebus had been among those urging the president-elect to cancel his interview because he could face questions he might not be prepared to answer, these people said.”
Hmmm, wonder who those three sources from inside the Trump camp could be? My guess is, at least one of them looks like he’ll die of an aneurysm after about five minutes of disappointing a call girl.
Of course, Trump eventually capitulated (like he does on pretty much everything he promises to do) and met with the Times after all. And of course, he said pretty much all the crazy shit his boy Rinse Pubis was afraid he would say. You can read the full transcript of the interview here, but among the highlights were that he’s never, ever, going to prosecute Hill-Dog, that the President “can’t have a conflict-of-interest,” and that his zero-experience son-in-law could be broker an Israel-Palestine peace deal. You know, the usual promises that the next four years will be a dumpster fire.
We eagerly anticipate future machinations in this Game of Bone-Heads. If we’re being honest, they’re all going to lose when they get fired about a year into Trump’s term, but we don’t wanna burst their bubbles. We’re rooting for both of these rubes to at least make it past President Camacho’s impeachment first term.