National Security Is Looking Tremendous, America

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We’re gonna have the classiest national security team you’ve ever seen. It’s gonna be bigly successful.

So – remember the salad days of worrying about Hillary’s private server, America? Man, we didn’t know how good we had it. With the current lineup of doofuses Trump is considering for his Cabinet, a private email server would be a welcome scandal compared to the baggage these people bring to the table.

First up is retired Army General, Michael Flynn. He’s been tapped by the Orange Don to be the national security adviser. We hope Trump likes his briefings in meme form, because Gen. Flynn seems more interested in propagating alt-right bullshit than he does in actual truth-telling. Like his sociopathic orangutan boss, Gen. Flynn loves him some Twitter. Because nothing screams, “I am a competent adult who is ready to be briefed on top secret information” like sharing fake stories about Hillary Clinton being arrested for sex crimes on social media. It gets better, though. Our future national security adviser apparently also believes that 1.7 billion people are evil terrorists, which is less than comforting. From CNN:

“We are facing another ‘ism,’ just like we faced Nazism, and fascism, and imperialism and communism. [….] This is Islamism, it is a vicious cancer inside the body of 1.7 billion people on this planet and it has to be excised.”

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So yeah, Muhammad Ali shuffled this mortal coil just in time. We’re pretty sure he wouldn’t have enjoyed being “excised” from this planet by the real-life twin of General Jack D. Ripper from Doctor Strangelove.

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But just because that one crazy guy is going to be national security adviser, that doesn’t mean we’re totally fucked, does it? Well, that depends if current Kansas Secretary of State, Kris Kobach is appointed. Because if he is, we are in for a wild four years. Well, I say “we,” but really it’s just Muslims and Mexicans who are screwed. Sorry, guys!

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Kobach is being vetted for the head of Homeland Security. We’ll feel a lot more “secure” about this dipshit getting classified information when he learns how to use a Trapper Keeper. This is a picture of Kobach leaving a meeting with the Orange Don yesterday:

Hope he didn’t mind sharing his “strategic plan” with everybody and their brother. Jesus, is this guy trolling us? He wants to be head of the Department of Homeland Security when he can’t even figure out how to open and close his briefcase before leaving work? At least Trump is consistent with his picks. Like General Flynn, Kobach also doesn’t seem to care for Muslims, judging from the contents of that briefing. His plans for the first year are to re-start a Muslim registry program, ban Syrian refugees, and deport any immigrant who’s ever even been arrested.

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If you weren’t worried enough about national security by now, don’t forget that Trump is still letting his kids sit in on meetings with heads of state. Both Japan’s Prime Minister and Argentina’s President were treated to conversations with Ivanka for reasons that are still unknown.

Don’t worry about nepotism, though – she still doesn’t have security clearance, because that would mean she’s an “official” member of the team. She just likes to sit and listen to private talks between Daddy Dearest and world leaders. This in no way benefits her and her dad’s business (except when it does). Trump also seems keen on having his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, broker peace talks with the Israelis and Palestinians, because he’s supremely qualified married to his daughter. Don’t sweat it America – Kushner doesn’t have a security clearance either. Because in Trump’s world, appointing national security advisers is basically like paying a contractor under the table. Man, we can’t wait to see how his impeachment presidency goes!

Photo CreditsGawkerGiphy, Giphy, Giphy, TeaParty.org, Pinterest

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