Welcome Our New President-Elect: Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

So yeah, America. We told you to get out there and vote, and uh, you did. Most of you voted for Hillary Clinton. Thanks to the Electoral College and some very angry white people, that popular vote don’t mean shit. So welcome your new president, rabid orangutan, self-described pussy-grabber, and successful businessman Donald J. Trump. Yes, this Donald Trump:

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Who’s the same as this Trump:

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Who’s definitely the same guy as this Trump:

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And let us not forget, the same guy as this Trump:


Those guys, who are all the same guy, will be our next president.

After losing important swing states like North Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Florida, it became apparent that Hill-Dog was not going to become the first lady president. The stock markets noticed this too, and for some reason, despite all of Trump’s supposed business acumen, they did not seem too optimistic about a Trump presidency. Thankfully, the markets rallied after realizing that Trump doesn’t take office until January.

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Both Hillary’s concession speech and the Orange Don’s victory speech were calm and conciliatory in nature. Even President Obama, who endured years of race-baiting and false accusations from Trump, was super-chill about Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle becoming president.

And you know what? Everyone should remain calm. In all likelihood, Trump will be a historically terrible president. It’s something we’ve survived before. We can hope otherwise, and if he surprises us – great! No need to get in the way of a good thing just so we can be right about Donald Trump being as effective a president as a dehydrated cheese doodle stuck in a Pomeranian’s ass hairs. But if we are right – and America, sad to say, you know we are – we here at GossiPol will have four years of solid material that writes itself. The vitality and integrity of our very democracy is a small price to pay for good political dick jokes, am I right?

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Okay, I’ll see myself out. In the meantime America, while you’re trying to beat your glue-sniffing addiction, at the very least be cool. If we’re gonna get through this, we have to stick together and find common ground. We will get through this, and hopefully have a good laugh while doing it.

Photo Credits: InverseGiphy, Giphy, GiphyGiphy, Giphy, Giphy