Trump Narrowly Escapes Assassination By Paper Cut

Man, just when things were looking up for our favorite orange-tinted crypto-fascist. He was actually surging in the polls, leading to a bitch-fight between Nate Silver and HuffPo over how to interpret polling data (spoiler alert: Nate Silver is way better at it than HuffPo).

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But then the FBI had to get in the way of his good time. Even worse, he barely got out of a Nevada rally with his weave intact. The Orange Don was about halfway through lulling his supporters to sleep with his favorite KKK bedtime stories when a dude named Austyn Crites decided to exercise his First Amendment rights by pulling out an anti-Trump sign that read, “Republicans Against Trump.”

Naturally, the crowd of Trump supporters reacted to this protestor in the measured and civilized way they’ve done at previous rallies: they started beating the shit out of him. Then, for reasons unknown, one of the Trump supporters yelled out, “He’s got a gun!”, despite the fact that the protestor was unarmed. Oddly enough, these stalwart defenders of our sacred Second Amendment rights didn’t immediately dust the man off and ask if they could carry his ammo for him.

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Instead, they got strangely upset that a lone, white, male patriot dared to exercise his right to bear arms at an NRA-approved candidate’s event. They even got the Secret Service involved, who quickly escorted the protestor outside. Those poor agents lived out their nightmare scenario by putting themselves between a potential bullet and a pussy-grabbing, narcissistic reality star when they escorted Trump offstage. Seriously, though, can you imagine what goes through a Secret Service agent’s head when they’re on the Trump detail?

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Yeah, that’s probably about right. For the record, despite the fact that we here at GossiPol absolutely despise Trump, we are glad he is unhurt. And, despite the fact that this was all a hilarious misunderstanding, Trump has never let facts get in the way of a good story. So of course, his people instantly pounced on the narrative that their beloved pet orangutan candidate almost got killed by a Hillary operative. Minutes after Trump re-took the stage, the Orange Don’s son Patrick Bateman Donald Trump, Jr. retweeted the following:

“Hillary ran away from rain today. Trump is back on stage minutes after assassination attempt.”

The next day, Trump’s main homegirl, campaign co-chair Kellyanne Conway, made up some bullshit story that the protestor was a plant from the Hillary campaign. At least Trump’s story has some very, very minute basis in reality. There was at least a fear that someone tried to assassinate him, even if that assassin would only have been able to kill him by giving him a terminal case of hurt feelings. Thankfully, Trump’s people aren’t getting too far out there by planting some bullshit story about how Hillary and her people are involved in occult, orgiastic, blood-sacrifice rituals…

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God. Damn. It. Can we just get to the inevitable apocalypse of Election Day and get this shit over with, already?

Photo Credits: GiphyGiphy, Giphy, Giphy, Drudge Report via New York Magazine