Full disclosure: I was raised in the Deep South, and am more proud of this than I probably should be. Southerners have a great deal to be proud of, after all. We are the greatest innovators in all of the United States. We’ve invented things like sweet tea, peanuts, and magnolia trees. But perhaps the crowning achievement of all Southern creations is condescension and loathing disguised as charity. From this greatest of Southern inventions comes one of my favorite phrases:
Before the Southern US was cobbled together in a mélange of humidity, racism, and college football, the phrase “bless your heart” had a compassionate tone. If someone said this to you, there was no double meaning, and the person probably meant it kindly. No longer. If you are anywhere in the Southern US and someone says, “bless your heart” to you, the appropriate response is to smile and nod and then key Paula Deen’s car as you leave her dream plantation wedding, because you don’t care if it’s her big day, nobody says that shit to you and gets away with it.
As everyone with a working set of eyeballs knows by now, GossiPol is nothing if not shady as fuck. So we don’t care if we ruin your frat’s raccoon roadkill barbecue, we’re gonna come right out and say “bless your heart” if we damn well feel like it.
The honorary recipient of GossiPol’s first “Bless Your Heart” Award goes to Michelle Obama – I mean, Melania Trump. Our girl Melania didn’t let layers of Botox stop her from expressing actual, human surprise when her captor husband, the Orange Don, surprised her live on-air by telling her she’d be giving some speeches during the final days of the election.
Sure, girl. But that future alimony check ain’t gonna write itself, so Melania dutifully complied by bringing the LOLZ at her speech in Pennsylvania yesterday. In what is either willful self-deceit or an act of epic trolling, our future First Lady spoke out against – wait for it – cyberbullying. Excuse me a moment.
Cyberbullying is hurtful, you guys. It tears down our kids’ self-esteem. Nobody should be a cyberbully. You hear that, Donald Trump? Nobody should be a cyberbully! Listen to your wife for once!
Sigh. Melania Trump, bless your heart, girl.