Not too long ago, Hillary was on top of the world. The Cubbies had gotten a World Series berth, she’d gotten endorsed by virtually every news outlet known to man, and her anal fistula of an opponent had torpedoed his campaign with the pussy grab heard round the world. She even beat the coked-up orangutan in all three debates. Here’s a visual representation of how much Hillary was feeling herself as she verbally beat down a mentally challenged trust fund baby:
Every Democrat in America was doing that shoulder shimmy as they watched Hillary’s chances of being elected the first woman president climb as high as 90 percent. But of course, Hillary can’t have nice things, because emails, and also, Anthony Weiner.
The October surprise we were all waiting for turned out not to be Trump waxing poetic about his love of sexual assault, but rather that pesky private server Hillary kept during her time as Secretary of State. On Friday, FBI Director James Comey told Congress that they were re-opening the investigation into Hillary’s emails after discovering some State Department shit on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.
Apparently, Hillary’s top aide Huma Abedin, who’s married to Weiner (both literally and metaphorically), kept some work emails on the same laptop her husband used to sexually harass a minor. The FBI said today they found emails “related” to Hill-Dog’s time at the State Department on that laptop. They’re not from Hillary’s server, though. Try to contain your disgust and excitement at the earth-shattering bombshell that someone who is NOT Hillary Clinton took work home with them.
As if those weren’t enough dingleberries to top off Hillary’s shit salad, Fox News reported that the Clinton Foundation is getting the side-eye from the FBI as well. Agents in the Bureau say that “an indictment is likely” to be filed against Hillary and Bill’s shady-ass charity. That’s pretty interesting considering the people who would have the authority to file that indictment don’t seem too hot on going forward with that investigation. This is even after agents presented their weak-ass evidence, which included a book published by a former George W. Bush speechwriter and the testimony of a confidential informant who never even worked with the Clinton Foundation. But still, some FBI agents want to burn Hillary at the stake, which puts them right in line with about half the fucking country.
Probably the most damaging thing to come from – again, Fox News – is the story that the FBI is “99 percent certain” that Hillary’s private server was hacked by five different foreign intelligence agencies.
This is definitely the worst thing that could have happened. If only Hillary had kept a government account, she would have never been hacked! Just keep a simple State Department email, Hillary, and you would’ve never had any problems! Except for when Russian hackers feel like comprising the entire State Department email system. At least the FBI has its shit together when it comes to cyber security. Well, except for that time when one of their agents got hacked, leading to the release of 12 million Apple accounts. Besides the FBI and the State Department though, government servers are hack-proof. Except when they’re not. Maybe we should just indict the entire fucking federal government since we’re so keen on prosecuting Hillary for her security lapses?
So that’s it, America. If we get a Trump presidency, we have Hillary’s shitty emails and Anthony Weiner’s rogue penis to thank for it.