Since we were gone for the last three months, we figured we’d catch up on all the slam dunk dick jokes we missed by not covering Donald Trump’s cry for attention bid for president. Obviously, the vast majority of his fuckery has to be edited out since we don’t have all day to cover every dumb-shit move the Orange Don has pulled during the last three months. Here’s the Cliffs Notes version:
Three months ago, everything was tremendous for Chester Cheetah’s butt buddy. He was catching up to his opponent, better known to Donald as “that unattractive lesbian who screeches all the time – who can be bothered to remember the name of such a nasty woman?” Then, the first debate happened.
Suddenly, people started to remember that there are actual qualifications for becoming president, and that Donald Trump meets absolutely none of those standards. Sniffing like a coked-up orangutan, Donald blustered his way through a series of answers that made it obvious he knows even less about politics than he does about business.
And who could forget this shining moment:
Seriously, folks, we could do this all day. As CNN commentator and liberal hottie Van Jones so eloquently put it after the last debate: “You can’t polish this turd.”
We don’t know why the Orange Don gave three tremendously bad performances. When asked, he took full responsibility for his complete and utter lack of knowledge and preparation. I’m just fucking with you. He blames everybody else, from the microphone, to the moderators, to his prep staff. But you know he ain’t taking the fall for being a rambling, unprepared wreck during ALL THREE presidential debates! The Orange Don is as allergic to personal responsibility as he is to informed consent. Speaking of which, maybe it was this little moment that had him on tilt for the last two debates:
That’s a young, inexperienced, 59-year-old Trump trying to show off for his homegirl Billy Bush by bragging about how he can sexually assault women and get away with it. His loving wife, Michelle Obama Melania was at home, three months pregnant with their son Barron, as he continued by regaling Billy-Boy with the heartwarming tale of how he unsuccessfully tried to fuck Nancy O’Dell by taking her furniture shopping. They just don’t make gems like Trump anymore, do they ladies? Don’t worry though – he’ll be on the market in the next couple of years, if his previous two marriages are any indication.
This should have been the death knell for Donald Trump’s campaign, but he’s still in it to win it, since Hillary – well, we’ll get to her and those pesky emails next.