Let’s Talk About Healthcare, America

Specifically, what’s going to happen to it now that a narcissistic orangutan is going to be in charge of it. Right now, we have the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. It’s got some pretty awesome shit going for it, like covering people regardless of pre-existing conditions and covering young adults. It’s also got some drawbacks too, though. Over 2 million people were left without insurance after private companies decided to get the hell out of dodge when faced with the dilemma of either doing their jobs correctly or making more money. Five different states only have one insurer on the market, which is not exactly competitive.

Don’t worry, though, America – Republicans are here to fix your healthcare woes.

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Try to act a little more excited. If Democrats fucked up healthcare, how bad could Republicans be? Well, glad you asked. Apparently, a lot worse. First, they’ve got a master plan to repeal Obamacare and replace it with – something? Nothing? Don’t ask them, they’re still working on it. From The Hill:

“House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) said Tuesday that Republicans could repeal ObamaCare even before they have come up with a replacement. ‘I don’t think you have to wait,’ McCarthy told reporters. ‘My personal belief, and nothing’s been decided yet, but I would move through and repeal and then go to work on replacing.’ [….] Republicans have called for a transition period, meaning ObamaCare would not immediately go away once repeal passes, but would instead be phased out [….] Even with that transition period, though, experts warn insurers could bail out on the current system once they learn it is being phased out, leaving ObamaCare enrollees with no options.”

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Does anyone have any better ideas? Oh look, it’s Trump’s new Health and Human Services Secretary, Rep. Tom Price, a Republican congressman from Georgia, seen here rocking Sharpie-painted eyebrows and a gay pornstache (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing).

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He’s a doctor – does he have a way to fix things? Yeah, if your idea of “fixing things” includes paying higher deductibles and doing away with the mandate on covering pre-existing conditions. He also wants to prevent employers from offering “overly generous” benefits to their employees by capping how much employers can deduct insurance costs on their taxes. Because people hate having too much insurance. It’s a real drag being fully-covered when you get sick.

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At least those vulnerable insurance and pharmaceutical companies will be protected by their boy, Tom Price. They pay him well enough to make sure of that.

But Price’s only concern is for the patients. As he told a roomful of Republican wonks, “[Democrats] believe the government ought to be in control of health care, [while Republicans] believe that patients and doctors should be in control of health care.” Yeah, says the man who vehemently opposes a woman’s right to choose and even introduced an ultimately failed bill to mandate that life begins at conception. The guy who doesn’t want female patients to make a decision between themselves and their doctors on whether to take birth control pills or have an abortion is all of sudden a big believer in keeping the government out of people’s medical decisions?

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And let’s not even talk about his record on anti-discrimination laws. You don’t want to know, America. Isn’t it enough to know that your deductibles are about to go sky high?

Photo Credits: Primo GIFsGIF Hell, Tenor, Washington Post, Imgur, Giphy

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“Drunk Tweeting”: The Donald Trump Flag-Burning Edition

Today in “Drunk Tweeting,” flag-burning makes an intrepid journey from a constitutionally-protected right, to a misdemeanor-level offense, to an act of treason that could lead to you losing your birthright as an American.

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Alcohol and/or pathological narcissism will do that.

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Next time you’re hitting the sauce (or just being yourself), Donald, could we humbly suggest taking things up a notch and imposing the death penalty? Those damn commie liberals will think you’ve gone soft if you don’t immediately fuck them all to death when they exercise their First Amendment rights. We know you love the flag so much that you know what the stripes stand for (except when you don’t), so it’s the least you could do as a patriotic American.

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Kellyanne Conway Enters The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones

We have a new player, America! Welcome Trump spokesperson and deranged, crispy-fried Stepford Wife Kellyanne Conway to the Game, seen here looking delighted at the prospect of having completely butt-fucked the country she supposedly loves:

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Our girl Kellyanne has been dubbed “The Trump Whisperer” after she was able to housebreak a sociopathic orangutan. Of course she failed miserably at preventing him from shitting the bed during her run as his campaign co-chair, but she was successful at convincing Middle America that a 70-year-old spoiled man-baby actually gives enough fucks about them to Make America Great Again.

The secret to her success? Wait, look over there! Shiny object! No, don’t actually look over there. We mean that’s part of her strategy. Jesus, America, you fall for that trick every time, don’t you? Anyway, pretty much every interview with Kellyanne consisted of the following three-step process:

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No, not that three-step process, this one:

Step One: Interviewer asks tough question about any number of shitty things the Orange Don has done.

Step Two: Kellyanne chastises the interviewer for asking such a tough question.

Step Three: Kellyanne then rambles on through gritted teeth about any number of things that don’t involve how terrible her candidate is. Among her favorites are conspiracy theories about liberals, bitching about the media, and oh, shiny objects! Wouldn’t we much rather talk about shiny objects than about what a racist, sexist pig her boss is?

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Our girl Kellyanne worked really hard to cover up her boss’ various pussy-grabbing misdeeds, and was punished rewarded with a mysterious “big position” in Trump’s new administration. In the meantime, though, she remains Trump’s babysitter spokesperson. Normally a spokesperson is supposed to be – you know, professional – but our girl Kellyanne threw out the rulebook on Sunday during an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash. When asked about the possibility of Trump picking Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Kellyanne had this to say:

“I’m all for party unity, but I’m not sure we have to pay for that with the secretary of state position. It’s just breathtaking in scope and intensity the type of messages I’ve received from all over the country … the number of people who feel betrayed to think that Gov. Romney would get the most prominent Cabinet post after he went so far out of his way to hurt Donald Trump.”

Much like other Trump-brand Game of Thrones players, Kellyanne has decided to take the not-so-subtle route in telling her boss she thinks he’s a fucking idiot. Needless to say, Trump didn’t take too kindly to that shit. Two sources from the Trump camp said the Orange Don is “furious” that our girl Kellyanne is “pushing her own agenda” instead of doing her job like a normal person. Hmmm, wonder who those “two sources” could be? Does one of them look like he’s winning his battle against bulimia and alcohol abstention, while the other looks like a total narc?

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Are we really surprised that Trump’s administration is already cannibalizing itself? I mean, when you look at the great role model they have at the top, why wouldn’t it be every man or woman for themselves?

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If you’re in Trump’s administration, you’ve got approximately a year or two before Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget either fires you for some indiscernible reason or he gets impeached. You might as well take everything you can get before you find yourself in the unemployment line. Because in the Trump-Brand Game of Thrones, you either win, or you – well, actually, nobody wins the Trump-brand Game of Thrones, least of all America.

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Photo Credits: The Telegraph, Mofo Politics, YouTube, Tumblr, Fox News, Giphy, Pop Sugar

Who Will Win The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones?

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So many candidates! Will it be alt-right studmuffin Steve Bannon, former editor-in-chief of Breitbart, seen here looking hobo-chic (which only drives the liberal dykes crazy)?

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Or perhaps it will be Republican Littlefinger and newly-appointed Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus (or Rinse Pubis as he’s known to his buddy, prominent sleeptalker Dr. Ben Carson), seen here contemplating how to make the new Republican platform only a hair less bigoted.

It remains to be seen, but boy are they already fighting dirty. You see, these guys fucking hate each other. Neither one seems to particularly like the Orange Don, either. Rinse Pubis endorsed Trump with all the excitement of a man who’s come to terms with his initial herpes diagnosis. “Yeah, it’s official – it’s a cold sore on my dick, alright. But it’s my cold sore and my dick, so I guess we’ll be friends eventually.” Bannon, before getting on board the Trump Train, didn’t seem too keen on the idea of putting a sociopathic orangutan in America’s highest office. He told Vanity Fair this past summer that Trump was “a blunt instrument – I don’t know whether he really gets it or not.”

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But never let it be said that Hobo Steve doesn’t know a good mark when he sees one. Not too long after calling Trump a clueless tool, he hopped on the Drumpf Express and rode it all the way to Washington, DC.

Sadly, America, there can only be one who sits atop the Cheeto-encrusted throne. Already in the last couple of days, Rinse Pubis and Hobo Steve were vying to be the victors of a game where pretty much everybody loses. It started with a seemingly innocuous appointment for their poodle-coiffed pawn to meet with the New York Times. The Orange Don was scheduled to meet with the Times yesterday. He abruptly cancelled that meeting the only way he knows how: by going on a Twitter rant.

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He claimed that the NYT changed the terms of their meeting. Turns out, though, it was Trump’s camp who changed the terms of that meeting, not them. From the New York Times:

“[Trump] abruptly called off his meeting at The Times in a Twitter post, contending that the paper had changed its terms for how the conversation could be reported. A Times spokeswoman, Eileen Murphy, said the paper had made no such changes, and said that Mr. Trump’s team requested on Monday that the meeting be off the record — a request The Times declined. Three people with knowledge of Mr. Trump’s deliberations said that Reince Priebus, the incoming White House chief of staff, had tried to scuttle the meeting at The Times by telling Mr. Trump, erroneously, that the newspaper was shifting its terms. Mr. Priebus had been among those urging the president-elect to cancel his interview because he could face questions he might not be prepared to answer, these people said.”

Hmmm, wonder who those three sources from inside the Trump camp could be? My guess is, at least one of them looks like he’ll die of an aneurysm after about five minutes of disappointing a call girl.

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Of course, Trump eventually capitulated (like he does on pretty much everything he promises to do) and met with the Times after all. And of course, he said pretty much all the crazy shit his boy Rinse Pubis was afraid he would say. You can read the full transcript of the interview here, but among the highlights were that he’s never, ever, going to prosecute Hill-Dog, that the President “can’t have a conflict-of-interest,” and that his zero-experience son-in-law could be broker an Israel-Palestine peace deal. You know, the usual promises that the next four years will be a dumpster fire.

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We eagerly anticipate future machinations in this Game of Bone-Heads. If we’re being honest, they’re all going to lose when they get fired about a year into Trump’s term, but we don’t wanna burst their bubbles. We’re rooting for both of these rubes to at least make it past President Camacho’s impeachment first term.

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National Security Is Looking Tremendous, America

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We’re gonna have the classiest national security team you’ve ever seen. It’s gonna be bigly successful.

So – remember the salad days of worrying about Hillary’s private server, America? Man, we didn’t know how good we had it. With the current lineup of doofuses Trump is considering for his Cabinet, a private email server would be a welcome scandal compared to the baggage these people bring to the table.

First up is retired Army General, Michael Flynn. He’s been tapped by the Orange Don to be the national security adviser. We hope Trump likes his briefings in meme form, because Gen. Flynn seems more interested in propagating alt-right bullshit than he does in actual truth-telling. Like his sociopathic orangutan boss, Gen. Flynn loves him some Twitter. Because nothing screams, “I am a competent adult who is ready to be briefed on top secret information” like sharing fake stories about Hillary Clinton being arrested for sex crimes on social media. It gets better, though. Our future national security adviser apparently also believes that 1.7 billion people are evil terrorists, which is less than comforting. From CNN:

“We are facing another ‘ism,’ just like we faced Nazism, and fascism, and imperialism and communism. [….] This is Islamism, it is a vicious cancer inside the body of 1.7 billion people on this planet and it has to be excised.”

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So yeah, Muhammad Ali shuffled this mortal coil just in time. We’re pretty sure he wouldn’t have enjoyed being “excised” from this planet by the real-life twin of General Jack D. Ripper from Doctor Strangelove.

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But just because that one crazy guy is going to be national security adviser, that doesn’t mean we’re totally fucked, does it? Well, that depends if current Kansas Secretary of State, Kris Kobach is appointed. Because if he is, we are in for a wild four years. Well, I say “we,” but really it’s just Muslims and Mexicans who are screwed. Sorry, guys!

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Kobach is being vetted for the head of Homeland Security. We’ll feel a lot more “secure” about this dipshit getting classified information when he learns how to use a Trapper Keeper. This is a picture of Kobach leaving a meeting with the Orange Don yesterday:

Hope he didn’t mind sharing his “strategic plan” with everybody and their brother. Jesus, is this guy trolling us? He wants to be head of the Department of Homeland Security when he can’t even figure out how to open and close his briefcase before leaving work? At least Trump is consistent with his picks. Like General Flynn, Kobach also doesn’t seem to care for Muslims, judging from the contents of that briefing. His plans for the first year are to re-start a Muslim registry program, ban Syrian refugees, and deport any immigrant who’s ever even been arrested.

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If you weren’t worried enough about national security by now, don’t forget that Trump is still letting his kids sit in on meetings with heads of state. Both Japan’s Prime Minister and Argentina’s President were treated to conversations with Ivanka for reasons that are still unknown.

Don’t worry about nepotism, though – she still doesn’t have security clearance, because that would mean she’s an “official” member of the team. She just likes to sit and listen to private talks between Daddy Dearest and world leaders. This in no way benefits her and her dad’s business (except when it does). Trump also seems keen on having his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, broker peace talks with the Israelis and Palestinians, because he’s supremely qualified married to his daughter. Don’t sweat it America – Kushner doesn’t have a security clearance either. Because in Trump’s world, appointing national security advisers is basically like paying a contractor under the table. Man, we can’t wait to see how his impeachment presidency goes!

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