Bill O’Reilly Spearheads Intrepid New Movement of Slavery Truthers

Ah, the 21st century. We’ve accomplished so much as human beings in the last few thousand years. We’ve invented air conditioning, space shuttles, and internet porn. We’ve found the cures for smallpox, polio, and male pattern baldness. And oh, the things we’ve learned! We learned how to put a man on the moon. We learned how to dive to the deepest depths of the ocean. You know what else we learned, courtesy of Fox News sphincter/newsman Bill O’Reilly? That slavery wasn’t that bad, you guys!

That’s right – in the height of arrogance, we modern, 21st century progressives thought we really had a handle on what the whole slavery thing was like. Little did we know, that it was actually pretty awesome: Slaves got three square meals a day, a place to live, and didn’t even have to sweat the shitty 18th century job market. What exactly were they bitching about, then? Let lover-of-loofah Bill O’Reilly drop some knowledge on your uneducated asses:

“Slaves that worked [on the White House] were well-fed, and had decent lodgings, provided by the government, which stopped hiring slave labor in 1802.”

Oh, Lord. We need a moment here, you guys.

So, I guess slavery was pretty cool, then? As long as you have your basic human needs taken care of, what else could you want? Besides, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Other than that. In fact, let’s skip that whole thing about the basic fucking premise on which our country was founded, because that really runs counter to Bill’s whole argument. Let’s also gloss over the fact that slaves were not in fact, well-fed, and did not in fact, have nice lodgings, and that basically everything Bill O’Reilly says is:

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So what even brought us here in the first place? Well you see, Bill was shanking at First Lady and all-around badass Michelle Obama for saying that slaves built the White House without mentioning that other labor was also used.

“So Michelle Obama is essentially correct in citing slaves as builders of the White House. But there were others working [on the White House] as well.”

Oh, thank goddess Bill cleared that up. We were all worried that the people who were actually compensated for their work weren’t getting their due. Seriously, was this a point that needed to be made? Wasn’t the whole thesis of Michelle Obama’s speech to illustrate how far we’ve come as a country? Is that a point that needs correcting? I mean, when even RedState.com is calling you a racist, you know you done fucked up.

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But Bill couldn’t leave well-enough alone. You youngins might’ve thought that the white male martyr complex originated with Trump, but allow us to introduce you to Father of the Year William O’Reilly, Jr. The night after O’Reilly blew the lid off the slavery myth, he clapped back at the haters with a cogent, well-reasoned argument about why he’s totally not that racist.

“As any honest historian knows, in order to keep slaves and free laborers strong, the Washington administration provided meat, bread and other staples, also decent lodging on the grounds of the new presidential building. That is a fact, not a justification, not a defense of slavery, just a fact. Anybody who implies a ‘soft on slavery’ message is beneath contempt.”

O’Reilly didn’t bother to mention where he got his “facts” from, or why a historian who reports that slaves were mistreated would be “dishonest.” O’Reilly’s never been big on citing to facts, for very good reason. But hey, truth is a small sacrifice to make at the altar of ratings, am I right, America?

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Photo Credits: Giphy, RedditGiphy, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

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Trump’s Tremendously Classy Interview With That Hater George Stephanopoulos

From here until November, every Sunday is Christmas. That’s because with Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, we will see him on every Sunday morning political talk show from here until the election. Because he just can’t help himself. No matter his level of preparation, no matter how ill-advised the interview, Trump will never turn down a chance to deepen his “tan” by basking in the light of the cameras until he’s achieved a Dolezal level of orange.

This past Sunday, the Orange Don decided to test the resolve of his supporters by sitting down for an interview with George Stephanopoulos on This Week on ABC. During the shit storm of an interview, Trump expounded on his thoughts about foreign policy, Michael Bloomberg, and the definition of sacrifice.

First, Trump was asked about criticisms of his temperament. His response had as much pure gold as the illustrious Trump Tower.

“I think I have a great temperament. I beat 16 very talented people in — and I’ve never done this before. You don’t do that with a bad temperament. I’m leading her in the polls, as you probably have noticed. And I think I have a great temperament. I have a temperament where I know how to win. She doesn’t know how to win. She’s not a winner.”

First of all, Trump, you have done this before. Second of all, we love how Trump conflates success in the polls with a presidential temperament. Because that’s really what it boils down to for Trump: as long as you’re “winning,” everything else you’re doing must be perfect. It doesn’t matter what you did to get there or if you’re even actually winning. Jesus, this guy is the Charlie Sheen of presidential candidates.

When the subject turned to Russia, Trump got cagey about his bromance with Vladimir Putin. The sex must not be as dynamite as it was when they first “met,” because Trump doesn’t know Ms. Putin anymore.

“Stephanopoulos: Well, [Putin] was in Moscow [during the 60 Minutes shoot].

Trump: And I was shot in New York [at the same time].

Stephanopoulos: You were in New York. But that’s the thing.

Trump: No, just so you understand, he said very nice things about me, but I have no relationship with him. I don’t — I’ve never met him.

Stephanopoulos: Yet you said for three years, ’13, ’14 and ’15, that you did have a relationship with him.

Trump: No, look, what – what do you call a relationship?

Stephanopoulos: You tell me.”

It’s pathological with this Cheeto-encrusted anus, isn’t it? The whole lying thing? Whatever pops into the busted comb-over that substitutes for his brain, he just barfs out. When he wanted to seem like a big shot who knew all the world leaders, Trump decided he knew Putin well. When he realized that supposed relationship made him seem like Putin’s bitch, all of a sudden he’s like:

Just so there’s no mistake, Trump does not know Putin, could not possibly know Putin based on Trump’s own description of their interactions, but certainly did say that he knew Putin because again, he is a fucking pathological liar.

Shit got scary when Trump talked about his plan for the annexation of Crimea. This was his response when he got grilled about softening the GOP platform on Russia’s invasion of Ukraine:

“Stephanopoulos: Then why did you soften the GOP platform on Ukraine?

Trump: I wasn’t involved in that. Honestly, I was not involved.

Stephanopoulos: Your people were.

Trump: Yes. I was not involved in that. I’d like to — I’d have to take a look at it. But I was not involved in that.”

Don’t think it doesn’t get worse, America, because it does. Let’s hear the Orange Don deftly describe the situation in Crimea:

“Trump: [Putin is] not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down and you can put it down, you can take it anywhere you want.

Stephanopoulos: Well, he’s already there, isn’t he?

Trump: OK, well, he’s there in a certain way, but I’m not there yet. You have Obama there. And frankly, that whole part of the world is a mess under Obama, with all the strength that you’re talking about and all of the power of NATO and all of this, in the meantime, he’s going where — he takes — takes Crimea, he’s sort of — I mean…

Stephanopoulos: But you said you might recognize that.

Trump: I’m going to take a look at it.”

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One of our favorite parts might have been when he was asked about former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg reading him for filth on the DNC stage. We’ve already written about how badly it must have stung Trump to be on the receiving end of a smack down from an infinitely more successful businessman, and we were right. Listen to Trump’s response to Bloomberg’s critique that he is a thin-skinned, orange-tinted narcissist:

“[I played golf with Bloomberg] maybe once. I hit the ball a lot longer, and a lot better.”

Because again, that’s all that matters if you’re Donald Trump. The only credible response to criticism is not to do any deep, personal reflection, but to bring up some way, no matter how small, in which you’re the “winner” and he’s the “loser.” Bloomberg must’ve cut Trump real bad to force him to brag about how far he can hit a golf ball. Not to mention that Trump did a complete 180 on Bloomberg’s success as a mayor because of those DNC jabs.

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The lowest point had to be when Trump talked shit about Khizr Khan’s wife.

“[Khizr Khan’s] wife, if you look at his wife, she was standing there, she had nothing to say. She probably – maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. Plenty of people have written about that – you tell me.”

Of course, all Trump had to do is ask Mrs. Khan herself to find out the very good and credible reason why she didn’t speak onstage. Not that she should even have to mount a defense to something as ridiculous as this. You don’t have to speak onstage at the DNC if you don’t fucking want to. Period.

The fun didn’t stop there, America. Trump was then asked about Khizr Khan’s accurate observation that he’d never made any sacrifices in his fucking life, and the response was even worse than you might expect.

“Trump: I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created thousands of jobs – tens of thousands of jobs – I’ve built great structures – I’ve done – I’ve had tremendous success.

Stephanopoulos: You think those are sacrifices?

Trump: I think they’re sacrifices.”

Got it, kids? The word of the day is “sacrifice,” brought to you by Trump University. “Sacrifice” is when you work to build “great structures” that nobody asked for or wanted, when all you really want to do is thumb through the latest edition of the Eastern European Mail Order Bride Catalog. “Sacrifice.”

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