Meet Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, America’s Ghost of Christmas Future

If we continue on our meth binge and elect a sociopathic orangutan as our next president, that is. Rodrigo (we’re not calling him by his formal title, that’s way too fancy for this asshole) has had an epic 100 days as the president of the Philippines. How can we count the ways in which this guy has basically disqualified himself from being president, and even part of the human race? We’ll certainly try, although keep in mind this list is by no means exhaustive.

As most dictators do, Rodrigo started out small. I’m not referring to what has to be the micropenis that resides in Rodrigo’s pants, but rather his budding career as a brutal, totalitarian leader. Before he’d even gotten a job, he’d shot a fellow law student. Then, inexplicably, he was allowed to go on and become the mayor of Davao City, Philippines. Crime decreased greatly in that city under our buddy Rodrigo’s watchful eye. That’s because he basically sanctioned the murder of any suspected criminals during his time as mayor. Don’t believe us? Just ask him:

“If you are doing an illegal activity in my city, if you are a criminal or part of a syndicate that preys on the innocent people of the city, for as long as I am the mayor, you are a legitimate target of assassination.”

What kind of heinous crimes would be deserving of such swift and brutal punishment, you might wonder. Did smuggling rice even enter your mind? Well, it certainly entered Rodrigo’s:

“I want smuggling of rice in my city stopped. But if you still do not stop your smuggling activities, I will kill you.”

EditingAndLayout anchorman that escalated quickly

To be fair, Rodrigo isn’t just anti-rice smuggling. He really, really hates rape. Especially if the victim is hot. From Time:

“Duterte made the controversial joke on April 12, when he talked to a crowd about Australian missionary Jacqueline Hamill who had been kidnapped, raped and killed in 1989 and said, ‘She was so beautiful. I thought, the mayor should have been first.’”

Of course, he refused to apologize for what he considered a hilarious joke, because apologizing is for pussies. Remind you of anyone, America?

When running for office, Rodrigo insisted that even though he had all the social grace of Charlie Sheen on a drug bender, he was going to be classy as fuck if he was elected president. In an interview, Duterte promised to tone down his use of expletives if he was ever sworn in as president.

“I need to control my mouth. I cannot be [rude] because I am representing our country. If you are the president of the country, you need to be prim and proper, almost, I would become holy.”

Again, remind you of anyone, America?

So now, our boy Rodrigo has been elected president. How’s that working out? Well, his administration is responsible for murdering almost 500 people in his shiny new drug war, he’s already threatened martial law if everybody doesn’t do exactly what he says, and he’s called the American ambassador a “gay [….] son of a whore.”

So, yeah – he’s really cleaned up his act. And by “cleaned up,” I mean behaved no differently than he has for the last 71 years he’s been on this earth. America, this is your public service announcement. When Donald Trump feuds with a gold star family, mocks a disabled reporter, and “jokingly” solicits the assassination of his opponent from those “Second Amendment people,” this is not a drill. This is the next four years of our lives. Donald Trump is always going to be Donald Trump. Consider this your warning before you elect this fuckwit to be our next Commander in Chief.

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Photo Credits:, Vanity Fair, Giphy