We’d love to get to some Democrat shenanigans you guys, but the Orange Don just won’t let us. In the span of 24 hours, he’s already given us some amazing material, leading his staff to wish they had shot themselves in the face instead of working for a sociopathic orangutan. What new behavior could cause Trump’s campaign staff to become “suicidal” when their boss mocking a disabled reporter, degrading Sen. McCain’s military service, and bitching at Megyn Kelly about her monthly flow couldn’t bring them to that point?
First, Trump had a campaign rally in Virginia where he showed exactly the kind of empathy that led him to trash a gold star family. You see, Trump was speaking to the crowd when an even bigger baby – you know, an actual baby – decided to steal the Orange Don’s thunder. If there’s one thing Trump cannot abide, it’s not being the center of attention. From CNN:
“‘I love babies. I hear that baby cry, I like it,’ Trump said at a campaign event here as a baby could be heard crying in the audience. ‘What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don’t worry, don’t worry. The mom’s running around, like, don’t worry about it, you know. It’s young and beautiful and healthy and that’s what we want.’
But less than two minutes later, as the baby continued to wail, Trump took back his words. ‘Actually I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here,’ he said to laughs. ‘I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I’m speaking. That’s OK. People don’t understand. That’s OK.’”
Watching that moment is like re-living all of the Trump children’s infancies. How many times have Ivana, Marla, and Melania heard that phrase only two minutes after Donald has attempted to interact with their children? “You can get the baby out of here, whichever one of you is my wife now.” It actually kinda makes us feel sorry for the Trump kids. At least the ones that haven’t mutilated elephants to make their dicks hard.
We hate to be Team Trump on this one, but we get it: crying babies, even if they’re your own, really suck. Being in an enclosed space with one that’s not your own when you’re trying to speak? The worst. The Orange Don handled the situation with all the delicacy of a narcissistic tanning bed shart, but what did we expect? On the list of terrible things Donald Trump has done, this one ranks pretty low.
But that shitty Trump moment was merely a taster to whet your appetite for one of his most fucked-up gaffes of all time. Apparently, a veteran made a really poor life decision and decided to give Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle his actual Purple Heart. For those of you that don’t know, a Purple Heart is a medal awarded to military members who have been injured in combat. Trump was so honored to receive the award, that he said the following, solemn words:
“I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier.”
Excuse us a moment:
First of all, who wants to get a Purple Heart? Even people who have received Purple Hearts don’t want to get a Purple Heart. It’s like getting a posthumous Oscar – sure it’s an honor, you’re just not in the best of condition to receive said honor. Second of all, where do we even begin with, “This was much easier.” It sure was, wasn’t it, you draft-dodging, pussy-ass hypocrite? It was much easier than making a – what do you call it – a sacrifice to receive that honor.
We can only imagine the speech Trump restrained himself from giving:
“Hey, America. Things have been so tremendous in my campaign, especially where veterans are concerned. I mean, veterans love me. They love me as much as the Blacks. You know, my African-Americans! Anyway, veterans love me so much, this one guy gave me his Purple Heart. Of course, if I had been in the military, I could’ve gotten one of these, easy. No problem. I always wanted one, after all. It’s got purple, it’s got brass – very classy award. But only a loser would actually work for one of these babies, you know? Enlisting in the military, just to follow orders and then get shot? Not me. I’m too smart for that. People give these to me, that’s how good I am at being in the military. What kind of person sacrifices to get one of these? Sad.”
This message has been brought to you by Trump University’s Tremendously Successful Veterans Program.