Mike Pence Tries, And Fails, To Mop Up The Orange Don’s Mess

Now that Trump’s feud with Capt. Humayun Khan’s gold star family has started to affect his poll numbers, running mate Mike Pence decided that he should step in and try to staunch the bleeding. Spoiler alert: it’s not going well. We can’t imagine why someone with the poor judgment to hitch their political wagon to the Orange Don isn’t able to quell a tense situation.

First, Pence decided to release a statement on Facebook (what Trump calls the “less classy version of Twitter”) about the Khan family. He got off to a good start by saying nice things about Capt. Khan and his parents and how they should be “cherished.” Then he remembered the motto of his campaign, “Make America Hate – I Mean, Great – Again,” and took a few digs at Obama and Hillary.

“Due to the disastrous decisions of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, a once stable Middle East has now been overrun by ISIS. This must not stand. By suspending immigration from countries that have been compromised by terrorism, rebuilding our military, defeating ISIS at its source and projecting strength on the global stage, we will reduce the likelihood that other American families will face the enduring heartbreak of the Khan family.”

Where do we begin with this bullshit? First off, Capt. Khan was killed in Iraq in 2004. Obama was not even a US Senator at the time, so we don’t know why he’s getting dragged into this. Hillary did vote to go into Iraq, but so did a lot of other people. There was one guy in particular who was super supportive of invading Iraq. His name escapes me, but he’s kinda like George W. Bush lite:

Election 2016 laughing donald trump gop mike pence

That’s right. Mike Pence has the gall to criticize the policies that led us into the conflict that ultimately ended Humayun Khan’s life when not only did he vote to go in there, but he was the GODDAMN CO-SPONSOR OF THE BILL THAT SENT US TO IRAQ! This cannot be emphasized enough. This asshole has the gall to criticize other people, when he was one of the primary architects of the war in Iraq. Donald Trump may have the longest dick (according to his own estimate) but Pence has a huge set of cojones to match.

Also, what the fuck does ISIS have to do with Capt. Khan’s death? They didn’t even exist in 2004. And how does suspending immigration help? I know Trump has trained us all to believe that a foreign bogeyman is going to come in and 9/11 our asses – and certainly, ISIS would do that if they could – but let’s take a look at the recent terror attacks in the US and see if that fear is in any way realistic, shall we?

Dallas police shooter: American-born and raised, former military.

Pulse nightclub shooter: American-born and raised, worked as a security guard.

San Bernardino shooters: one American-born and raised, one brought here legally from Pakistan by the American.

Umpqua Community College shooter: American-born and raised, former military.

That is just a small, small sampling, America. We get it – 9/11 was scary, we never want it to happen again. But what are we doing about the collection of mini-9/11s that are happening almost every day in this country? What, exactly, does banning Muslim immigrants do to prevent people born and raised here in the US from legally obtaining guns and going on a shooting spree? We’ll give Gov. Pence a moment to think about that.

oprah thinking animated GIF

If you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Pence, you obviously haven’t been paying attention. At a town hall in Nevada last night, Pence opened up the floor to questions. An Air Force mom asked the following question:

“Time and time again Trump has disrespected our nation’s armed forces and veterans — and his disrespect for Mr. Khan and his family is just an example of that. Will there ever be a point in time when you’re able to look Trump in the eye and tell him ‘Enough is enough?’ You have a son in the military. How do you tolerate his disrespect?”

Trump’s supporters handled that question with all the delicacy you might expect of the guy they want to be president.

the tonight show boo disapprove booing booooooo

Pence, to his credit, chastised the crowd for booing, but the damage was already done. Trump supporters booed a military mom. But they’re super pro-military, you guys! Just like Trump, who loved the military so much, he decided not to burden them with his presence during the Vietnam War. Thank God he recovered from those mythical bone spurs just in time for his WWE cage match.

wrestling trump vince mcmahon takedown wwe

Photo Credits: GiphyHalo Fanon WikiaGiphy, PopKey, Giphy