Bill O’Reilly Spearheads Intrepid New Movement of Slavery Truthers

Ah, the 21st century. We’ve accomplished so much as human beings in the last few thousand years. We’ve invented air conditioning, space shuttles, and internet porn. We’ve found the cures for smallpox, polio, and male pattern baldness. And oh, the things we’ve learned! We learned how to put a man on the moon. We learned how to dive to the deepest depths of the ocean. You know what else we learned, courtesy of Fox News sphincter/newsman Bill O’Reilly? That slavery wasn’t that bad, you guys!

That’s right – in the height of arrogance, we modern, 21st century progressives thought we really had a handle on what the whole slavery thing was like. Little did we know, that it was actually pretty awesome: Slaves got three square meals a day, a place to live, and didn’t even have to sweat the shitty 18th century job market. What exactly were they bitching about, then? Let lover-of-loofah Bill O’Reilly drop some knowledge on your uneducated asses:

“Slaves that worked [on the White House] were well-fed, and had decent lodgings, provided by the government, which stopped hiring slave labor in 1802.”

Oh, Lord. We need a moment here, you guys.

So, I guess slavery was pretty cool, then? As long as you have your basic human needs taken care of, what else could you want? Besides, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Other than that. In fact, let’s skip that whole thing about the basic fucking premise on which our country was founded, because that really runs counter to Bill’s whole argument. Let’s also gloss over the fact that slaves were not in fact, well-fed, and did not in fact, have nice lodgings, and that basically everything Bill O’Reilly says is:

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So what even brought us here in the first place? Well you see, Bill was shanking at First Lady and all-around badass Michelle Obama for saying that slaves built the White House without mentioning that other labor was also used.

“So Michelle Obama is essentially correct in citing slaves as builders of the White House. But there were others working [on the White House] as well.”

Oh, thank goddess Bill cleared that up. We were all worried that the people who were actually compensated for their work weren’t getting their due. Seriously, was this a point that needed to be made? Wasn’t the whole thesis of Michelle Obama’s speech to illustrate how far we’ve come as a country? Is that a point that needs correcting? I mean, when even RedState.com is calling you a racist, you know you done fucked up.

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But Bill couldn’t leave well-enough alone. You youngins might’ve thought that the white male martyr complex originated with Trump, but allow us to introduce you to Father of the Year William O’Reilly, Jr. The night after O’Reilly blew the lid off the slavery myth, he clapped back at the haters with a cogent, well-reasoned argument about why he’s totally not that racist.

“As any honest historian knows, in order to keep slaves and free laborers strong, the Washington administration provided meat, bread and other staples, also decent lodging on the grounds of the new presidential building. That is a fact, not a justification, not a defense of slavery, just a fact. Anybody who implies a ‘soft on slavery’ message is beneath contempt.”

O’Reilly didn’t bother to mention where he got his “facts” from, or why a historian who reports that slaves were mistreated would be “dishonest.” O’Reilly’s never been big on citing to facts, for very good reason. But hey, truth is a small sacrifice to make at the altar of ratings, am I right, America?

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Photo Credits: Giphy, RedditGiphy, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

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