Roger Ailes Had To Leave Fox News For Being A Creeper

And they weren’t going to put up with that for another 20 years! Roger Ailes, better known as Jabba the Hutt’s less sexy cousin, was the co-founder and CEO of Fox News, as well as the chairman of Fox’s TV stations. At least he was, before Gretchen Carlson fucked him up hard by spilling the beans on his pervy ways. You see, Gretchen was super-cool with her gig on Fox and Friends, until she realized that job came with a heavy price: putting up with the sexual advances of every male guest star and co-host that came into contact with her.

If anyone doubts the shit this woman put up with on Fox and Friends, I give you Exhibit A. As someone who hate-watches Fox News for a living (still waiting on my paycheck, Internets!), let me tell you that video montage is but a small sampling of the sexist bullshit that permeates almost every show.

So Gretchen complained to her boss Roger Ailes, who also resembles a busted Alfred Hitchcock. As you can imagine from the boss of noted sexual harasser Bill O’Reilly (never forget Bill’s loofah fantasy – because if I can’t, you can’t either), that complaint didn’t go down so well, which is also what she said. From Mediaite:

“’I think you and I should have had a sexual relationship a long time ago and then you’d be good and better and I’d be good and better,’” Ailes allegedly told her, adding that ‘sometimes problems are easier to solve’ that way.”

Soon after, Fox News yanked Gretchen from Fox and Friends and put her in charge of her own show, ostensibly hoping her ratings would fail. They didn’t. But they fired her anyway. And that’s where they fucked up. Because Gretchen Carlson sued their sorry asses.

Of course, noted women’s rights supporters Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly immediately shanked back at Gretchen, saying she was full of lies (but her legs are smoking hot, am I right fellas?). They even threatened to leave Fox News if Ailes was shown the door. GossiPol speaks for all of America, we think, in saying:

Fox News released a statement reiterating that Gretchen was a lying liar and shouldn’t be trusted. Glad that’s all cleared up! We don’t have to deal with this messy issue anymore, do we? Except…

Cue the long line of women who said they were also sexually harassed by Roger Ailes. The details were about what you’d expect when you watch the grab-assing Fox allowed to take place on-camera. Shocking to anyone without a working set of eyeballs, Roger Ailes described his hiring policy to an employee as follows:

“If [Ailes] was thinking of hiring a woman, he’d ask himself if he would fuck her, and if he would, then he’d hire her to be on-camera. He then said if it was a man he’d think about whether he could sit down for a baseball game with him and not get annoyed of him. If he could, then he’d hire him.”

As bad as that is, the nail in the coffin was Megyn Kelly. Once she admitted that Jabba’s conservative cousin tried to recreate the Slave Girl Leia scene from Return of the Jedi, it was all over for him.

So what’s a bloated perv to do? With even conservatives hating on his sorry ass, there was only one place where Jabba the Ailes could find safe haven: in the tiny, yet comforting hands of Donald J. Trump. That’s right, the Orange Don’s spirit animal is advising him on how not to shit the bed when he debates Hillary in September. We know this is like the blind leading the blind, but we’re not going to tell Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle; we want to pour as much kerosene on this dumpster fire as we possibly can. Call us selfish, America, but the Orange Don pretending to be a politician is just good for gossip. That doesn’t mean we have to elect him president, though. We know you fall back into your paint sniffing habits when you get bored, America, so don’t even think about going to the polls all fucked up and electing this narcissistic orangutan.

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Meet Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, America’s Ghost of Christmas Future

If we continue on our meth binge and elect a sociopathic orangutan as our next president, that is. Rodrigo (we’re not calling him by his formal title, that’s way too fancy for this asshole) has had an epic 100 days as the president of the Philippines. How can we count the ways in which this guy has basically disqualified himself from being president, and even part of the human race? We’ll certainly try, although keep in mind this list is by no means exhaustive.

As most dictators do, Rodrigo started out small. I’m not referring to what has to be the micropenis that resides in Rodrigo’s pants, but rather his budding career as a brutal, totalitarian leader. Before he’d even gotten a job, he’d shot a fellow law student. Then, inexplicably, he was allowed to go on and become the mayor of Davao City, Philippines. Crime decreased greatly in that city under our buddy Rodrigo’s watchful eye. That’s because he basically sanctioned the murder of any suspected criminals during his time as mayor. Don’t believe us? Just ask him:

“If you are doing an illegal activity in my city, if you are a criminal or part of a syndicate that preys on the innocent people of the city, for as long as I am the mayor, you are a legitimate target of assassination.”

What kind of heinous crimes would be deserving of such swift and brutal punishment, you might wonder. Did smuggling rice even enter your mind? Well, it certainly entered Rodrigo’s:

“I want smuggling of rice in my city stopped. But if you still do not stop your smuggling activities, I will kill you.”

EditingAndLayout anchorman that escalated quickly

To be fair, Rodrigo isn’t just anti-rice smuggling. He really, really hates rape. Especially if the victim is hot. From Time:

“Duterte made the controversial joke on April 12, when he talked to a crowd about Australian missionary Jacqueline Hamill who had been kidnapped, raped and killed in 1989 and said, ‘She was so beautiful. I thought, the mayor should have been first.’”

Of course, he refused to apologize for what he considered a hilarious joke, because apologizing is for pussies. Remind you of anyone, America?

When running for office, Rodrigo insisted that even though he had all the social grace of Charlie Sheen on a drug bender, he was going to be classy as fuck if he was elected president. In an interview, Duterte promised to tone down his use of expletives if he was ever sworn in as president.

“I need to control my mouth. I cannot be [rude] because I am representing our country. If you are the president of the country, you need to be prim and proper, almost, I would become holy.”

Again, remind you of anyone, America?

So now, our boy Rodrigo has been elected president. How’s that working out? Well, his administration is responsible for murdering almost 500 people in his shiny new drug war, he’s already threatened martial law if everybody doesn’t do exactly what he says, and he’s called the American ambassador a “gay [….] son of a whore.”

So, yeah – he’s really cleaned up his act. And by “cleaned up,” I mean behaved no differently than he has for the last 71 years he’s been on this earth. America, this is your public service announcement. When Donald Trump feuds with a gold star family, mocks a disabled reporter, and “jokingly” solicits the assassination of his opponent from those “Second Amendment people,” this is not a drill. This is the next four years of our lives. Donald Trump is always going to be Donald Trump. Consider this your warning before you elect this fuckwit to be our next Commander in Chief.

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Libertarian Town Hall: Sure, Why Not?

With all the craziness going on with the Orange Don and Hill-Dog, it’s easy to forget that there is another option, however unlikely that option may be to win the presidency: the Libertarian ticket. Former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson, seen here looking like a busted James Woods:

And his vice presidential candidate, former Massachusetts governor Bill Weld, seen here looking like Magneto left out in the sun too long:

Had a town hall on CNN last night. It was a lot more reasonable than you might expect from a party that had this guy as a potential candidate:

Things kicked off when Anderson Cooper asked the part-time James Woods impersonator, full-time mountain climber, Gov. Johnson about his miniscule chances of becoming president. Gov. Johnson was like, “Well, we think this town hall can give us a boost!” That’s when the Silver Fox reminded Gov. Johnson that they’d already done a Town Hall in June, and their poll numbers remained stagnant.

There was more shade to be had on the evening, courtesy of Gov. Weld, who does not think much of Donald J. Trump.

“He’s a showman. He’s a pied piper. He’s the music man. More recently, it’s gotten more serious, and the noun that comes to my mind is a ‘screw loose.'”

Trump wasn’t the only recipient of some high-level shade. Gov. Johnson got a little salty when it came to Hillary and her ties to big banks.

“It’s just not coincidence, I don’t think, that Bill Clinton and Hillary both are making huge amounts of money with these speaking fees. It smacks of pay-to-play.”

Gov. Weld, who’s actually friends with Hillary, was not having it. In fact, he defended FBI head James Comey’s decision not to recommend charges against Hill-Dog for having a private email server. He schooled an audience member who asked if he agreed with the decision not to indict, saying that he was a former US Attorney, had reviewed the evidence, and couldn’t find probable cause to go forward. We have to say, we actually agree with him. Hillary was shady for using the private server, yes. But considering we still can’t find all the damn emails on that server, can we really say with a straight face that she intended to allow that information to fall into the wrong hands? She won’t even let it fall into the right hands.

Of course there was talk about marijuana legalization, and that’s where things got interesting. A Republican lady who looked like she thought Reefer Madness was a documentary:

Talked about how concentrated CBD tincture helped relieve her child’s seizures. She was down with that, but she wanted to know if Gov. Johnson would limit that evil THC so that the children – think of the children! –  wouldn’t get high. Of course, Gov. Johnson wasn’t having any of this crazy lady’s shit, and made no promise of the kind, instead talking about how THC also had medicinal applications. Don’t you just love that, America? People like this woman are telling us we can’t get blazed, but we should legalize marijuana – once we find out she actually has a use for it.

One of our favorite moments was when Gov. Johnson was asked about terrorism. His response? Shit happens. I mean, basically.

“Look, this stuff is gonna happen. If you look at what happened in Nice the other day – the situation that exists in this country in 10,000 different places every single day. [….] Yes, a president of the United States, Vice President of the United States, we must be vigilant to prevent these of things from happening – these things are going to happen.”

This is such a refreshing change from Trump’s “I’m the only one who can fix everything.” It’s great, because as a politician, it is political suicide to admit that there are some things that you just can’t change. Any politician who says they are going to eliminate terrorism is lying to you. Sure, it’s good to have that lofty goal. But it’s not possible. So deport all the brown-skinned people you want – put them into prison camps if it makes you feel better – you aren’t making yourself any safer.

Please, please, America, let’s get Gary Johnson up to 15% so he can be part of the presidential debates. Not because we think he’ll win, because he’s way too honest and high to win. At the very least, though, we’d love to see this play out right in the Orange Don’s face.

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Trump Hates Hard Work Almost As Much As He Hates Babies

We’d love to get to some Democrat shenanigans you guys, but the Orange Don just won’t let us. In the span of 24 hours, he’s already given us some amazing material, leading his staff to wish they had shot themselves in the face instead of working for a sociopathic orangutan. What new behavior could cause Trump’s campaign staff to become “suicidal” when their boss mocking a disabled reporter, degrading Sen. McCain’s military service, and bitching at Megyn Kelly about her monthly flow couldn’t bring them to that point?

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First, Trump had a campaign rally in Virginia where he showed exactly the kind of empathy that led him to trash a gold star family. You see, Trump was speaking to the crowd when an even bigger baby – you know, an actual baby – decided to steal the Orange Don’s thunder. If there’s one thing Trump cannot abide, it’s not being the center of attention. From CNN:

“‘I love babies. I hear that baby cry, I like it,’ Trump said at a campaign event here as a baby could be heard crying in the audience. ‘What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don’t worry, don’t worry. The mom’s running around, like, don’t worry about it, you know. It’s young and beautiful and healthy and that’s what we want.’

But less than two minutes later, as the baby continued to wail, Trump took back his words. ‘Actually I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here,’ he said to laughs. ‘I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I’m speaking. That’s OK. People don’t understand. That’s OK.’”

Watching that moment is like re-living all of the Trump children’s infancies. How many times have Ivana, Marla, and Melania heard that phrase only two minutes after Donald has attempted to interact with their children? “You can get the baby out of here, whichever one of you is my wife now.” It actually kinda makes us feel sorry for the Trump kids. At least the ones that haven’t mutilated elephants to make their dicks hard.

We hate to be Team Trump on this one, but we get it: crying babies, even if they’re your own, really suck. Being in an enclosed space with one that’s not your own when you’re trying to speak? The worst. The Orange Don handled the situation with all the delicacy of a narcissistic tanning bed shart, but what did we expect? On the list of terrible things Donald Trump has done, this one ranks pretty low.

But that shitty Trump moment was merely a taster to whet your appetite for one of his most fucked-up gaffes of all time. Apparently, a veteran made a really poor life decision and decided to give Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle his actual Purple Heart. For those of you that don’t know, a Purple Heart is a medal awarded to military members who have been injured in combat. Trump was so honored to receive the award, that he said the following, solemn words:

“I always wanted to get the Purple Heart. This was much easier.”

Excuse us a moment:

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First of all, who wants to get a Purple Heart? Even people who have received Purple Hearts don’t want to get a Purple Heart. It’s like getting a posthumous Oscar – sure it’s an honor, you’re just not in the best of condition to receive said honor. Second of all, where do we even begin with, “This was much easier.” It sure was, wasn’t it, you draft-dodging, pussy-ass hypocrite? It was much easier than making a – what do you call it – a sacrifice to receive that honor.

We can only imagine the speech Trump restrained himself from giving:

“Hey, America. Things have been so tremendous in my campaign, especially where veterans are concerned. I mean, veterans love me. They love me as much as the Blacks. You know, my African-Americans! Anyway, veterans love me so much, this one guy gave me his Purple Heart. Of course, if I had been in the military, I could’ve gotten one of these, easy. No problem. I always wanted one, after all. It’s got purple, it’s got brass – very classy award. But only a loser would actually work for one of these babies, you know? Enlisting in the military, just to follow orders and then get shot? Not me. I’m too smart for that. People give these to me, that’s how good I am at being in the military. What kind of person sacrifices to get one of these? Sad.”

This message has been brought to you by Trump University’s Tremendously Successful Veterans Program.

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Mike Pence Tries, And Fails, To Mop Up The Orange Don’s Mess

Now that Trump’s feud with Capt. Humayun Khan’s gold star family has started to affect his poll numbers, running mate Mike Pence decided that he should step in and try to staunch the bleeding. Spoiler alert: it’s not going well. We can’t imagine why someone with the poor judgment to hitch their political wagon to the Orange Don isn’t able to quell a tense situation.

First, Pence decided to release a statement on Facebook (what Trump calls the “less classy version of Twitter”) about the Khan family. He got off to a good start by saying nice things about Capt. Khan and his parents and how they should be “cherished.” Then he remembered the motto of his campaign, “Make America Hate – I Mean, Great – Again,” and took a few digs at Obama and Hillary.

“Due to the disastrous decisions of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, a once stable Middle East has now been overrun by ISIS. This must not stand. By suspending immigration from countries that have been compromised by terrorism, rebuilding our military, defeating ISIS at its source and projecting strength on the global stage, we will reduce the likelihood that other American families will face the enduring heartbreak of the Khan family.”

Where do we begin with this bullshit? First off, Capt. Khan was killed in Iraq in 2004. Obama was not even a US Senator at the time, so we don’t know why he’s getting dragged into this. Hillary did vote to go into Iraq, but so did a lot of other people. There was one guy in particular who was super supportive of invading Iraq. His name escapes me, but he’s kinda like George W. Bush lite:

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That’s right. Mike Pence has the gall to criticize the policies that led us into the conflict that ultimately ended Humayun Khan’s life when not only did he vote to go in there, but he was the GODDAMN CO-SPONSOR OF THE BILL THAT SENT US TO IRAQ! This cannot be emphasized enough. This asshole has the gall to criticize other people, when he was one of the primary architects of the war in Iraq. Donald Trump may have the longest dick (according to his own estimate) but Pence has a huge set of cojones to match.

Also, what the fuck does ISIS have to do with Capt. Khan’s death? They didn’t even exist in 2004. And how does suspending immigration help? I know Trump has trained us all to believe that a foreign bogeyman is going to come in and 9/11 our asses – and certainly, ISIS would do that if they could – but let’s take a look at the recent terror attacks in the US and see if that fear is in any way realistic, shall we?

Dallas police shooter: American-born and raised, former military.

Pulse nightclub shooter: American-born and raised, worked as a security guard.

San Bernardino shooters: one American-born and raised, one brought here legally from Pakistan by the American.

Umpqua Community College shooter: American-born and raised, former military.

That is just a small, small sampling, America. We get it – 9/11 was scary, we never want it to happen again. But what are we doing about the collection of mini-9/11s that are happening almost every day in this country? What, exactly, does banning Muslim immigrants do to prevent people born and raised here in the US from legally obtaining guns and going on a shooting spree? We’ll give Gov. Pence a moment to think about that.

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If you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Pence, you obviously haven’t been paying attention. At a town hall in Nevada last night, Pence opened up the floor to questions. An Air Force mom asked the following question:

“Time and time again Trump has disrespected our nation’s armed forces and veterans — and his disrespect for Mr. Khan and his family is just an example of that. Will there ever be a point in time when you’re able to look Trump in the eye and tell him ‘Enough is enough?’ You have a son in the military. How do you tolerate his disrespect?”

Trump’s supporters handled that question with all the delicacy you might expect of the guy they want to be president.

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Pence, to his credit, chastised the crowd for booing, but the damage was already done. Trump supporters booed a military mom. But they’re super pro-military, you guys! Just like Trump, who loved the military so much, he decided not to burden them with his presence during the Vietnam War. Thank God he recovered from those mythical bone spurs just in time for his WWE cage match.

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