And they weren’t going to put up with that for another 20 years! Roger Ailes, better known as Jabba the Hutt’s less sexy cousin, was the co-founder and CEO of Fox News, as well as the chairman of Fox’s TV stations. At least he was, before Gretchen Carlson fucked him up hard by spilling the beans on his pervy ways. You see, Gretchen was super-cool with her gig on Fox and Friends, until she realized that job came with a heavy price: putting up with the sexual advances of every male guest star and co-host that came into contact with her.
If anyone doubts the shit this woman put up with on Fox and Friends, I give you Exhibit A. As someone who hate-watches Fox News for a living (still waiting on my paycheck, Internets!), let me tell you that video montage is but a small sampling of the sexist bullshit that permeates almost every show.
So Gretchen complained to her boss Roger Ailes, who also resembles a busted Alfred Hitchcock. As you can imagine from the boss of noted sexual harasser Bill O’Reilly (never forget Bill’s loofah fantasy – because if I can’t, you can’t either), that complaint didn’t go down so well, which is also what she said. From Mediaite:
“’I think you and I should have had a sexual relationship a long time ago and then you’d be good and better and I’d be good and better,’” Ailes allegedly told her, adding that ‘sometimes problems are easier to solve’ that way.”
Soon after, Fox News yanked Gretchen from Fox and Friends and put her in charge of her own show, ostensibly hoping her ratings would fail. They didn’t. But they fired her anyway. And that’s where they fucked up. Because Gretchen Carlson sued their sorry asses.
Of course, noted women’s rights supporters Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly immediately shanked back at Gretchen, saying she was full of lies (but her legs are smoking hot, am I right fellas?). They even threatened to leave Fox News if Ailes was shown the door. GossiPol speaks for all of America, we think, in saying:
Fox News released a statement reiterating that Gretchen was a lying liar and shouldn’t be trusted. Glad that’s all cleared up! We don’t have to deal with this messy issue anymore, do we? Except…
Cue the long line of women who said they were also sexually harassed by Roger Ailes. The details were about what you’d expect when you watch the grab-assing Fox allowed to take place on-camera. Shocking to anyone without a working set of eyeballs, Roger Ailes described his hiring policy to an employee as follows:
“If [Ailes] was thinking of hiring a woman, he’d ask himself if he would fuck her, and if he would, then he’d hire her to be on-camera. He then said if it was a man he’d think about whether he could sit down for a baseball game with him and not get annoyed of him. If he could, then he’d hire him.”
As bad as that is, the nail in the coffin was Megyn Kelly. Once she admitted that Jabba’s conservative cousin tried to recreate the Slave Girl Leia scene from Return of the Jedi, it was all over for him.
So what’s a bloated perv to do? With even conservatives hating on his sorry ass, there was only one place where Jabba the Ailes could find safe haven: in the tiny, yet comforting hands of Donald J. Trump. That’s right, the Orange Don’s spirit animal is advising him on how not to shit the bed when he debates Hillary in September. We know this is like the blind leading the blind, but we’re not going to tell Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle; we want to pour as much kerosene on this dumpster fire as we possibly can. Call us selfish, America, but the Orange Don pretending to be a politician is just good for gossip. That doesn’t mean we have to elect him president, though. We know you fall back into your paint sniffing habits when you get bored, America, so don’t even think about going to the polls all fucked up and electing this narcissistic orangutan.