Russia’s Hack Tells Us What We Already Knew: The DNC Totally Mean-Girled Bernie Sanders

Things were looking really good for Democrats as of last week, you guys. First we had Michelle Obama give a rousing speech about family values disguised as Trump’s Slovenian mail-order bride. Then Ted Cruz took a big ole steaming dump all over the convention stage instead of endorsing the Orange Don. So yeah, things were looking pretty good. Until Friday evening, when WikiLeaks decided to release almost 20,000 emails hacked from the DNC server.

The source of the leak is pretty obviously Russia, since Guccifer 2.0 is the source. Putin and Trump’s bromance is well-documented, so it’s not beyond the pale that Russia would do something like this.

trump putin jong una hunt

Russia is already super-tight with Trump’s campaign advisor, Paul Manafort, who acted as advisor to ex-president of Ukraine Viktor Yanukovych, before Yanukovych was ousted for being a corrupt puppet of Putin. And it’s not like this is the first time Russia has tried to drive Western politics to the far right. Hey Russia, can you do us a solid and hack the RNC database? Because we would all love to see Republicans shit the bed in email form.

But back to the DNC emails, because no matter who’s involved in the hack, they didn’t make up the shit they found in those emails. The emails make clear that, at the very least, the DNC did not like Bernie. Several staffers came up with some pretty shitty ideas on how to combat Bernie’s popularity. DNC chief financial officer Brad Marshall had a super shady way of doing just that. From the Washington Post:

“It might [make] no difference, but for KY and WVA can we get someone to ask his belief. Does he believe in a God. He had skated on saying he has a Jewish heritage. I think I read he is an atheist. This could make several points difference with my peeps. My Southern Baptist peeps would draw a big difference between a Jew and an atheist. [….] It’s [a] Jesus thing.”

Awesome, so the same shit liberals complain about Republicans doing was a potential strategy for Democrats. Nice.

Even worse, the DNC seemed like they were favoring Hillary’s campaign, despite their protestations to the contrary.

So let’s tick through the list of the ways in which the DNC favored Hillary, shall we? One of Hillary’s lawyers, Mark Elias, advised the DNC on how to push back against accusations that Hillary was unfairly benefitting from the joint DNC fund. The DNC press secretary also suggested releasing a narrative about how Bernie’s campaign was a failure. The DNC communications director even ordered an anti-Bernie article be shared without attribution. In other words, people would read some negative Bernie shit without knowing it came from the very same DNC that was supposed to be neutral.

the big lebowski angry rules john goodman the dude

Which brings us to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, chairperson of the DNC. You know, Hillary’s bestie who would never stack the deck in favor of her girl. Well, turns out, she might not have liked Bernie so much, and did everything she could to spread the word in the media that Bernie Bros were mean and the DNC was totally neutral (even though they weren’t). So yeah, DWS obviously had to step down.

But don’t cry for her, Argentina. She’s going to be just fine. She has a new job, with – you guessed it – Hillary Clinton. That’s right; Hillary, completely tone-deaf to what’s going on around her (as usual), decided it’d be great to confirm everyone’s suspicions that DWS was unfairly partisan by hiring her as the chair of her presidential campaign. Sigh. Hillary, gurl, there’s this thing called timing. Your girl Debbie isn’t hurting for money, what with all the Goldman Sachs donations she’s been getting. So why, oh why do you have to hire her right after she resigns in disgrace from her DNC gig? Do you want Trump to get elected? Because that’s how we get Trump elected.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Imgur

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Republican National Convention: Day Four

Finally, the WWE cage match that was the RNC came to a close. It had everything: twists and turns, a surprise entrance from a villain who was booed off the stage, and the patriotic hero delivering a climactic speech about how awesome he is and how much everyone else sucks. What more can you ask of the WWE?

Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin was one of the first to get the party started. She waxed poetic on the American ideals of equality, saying, “The American people are longing for the American dream where they can get a fair shake at life and the opportunity to succeed.” It totally matches the Republican platform, of which she was co-chair.

You see, with Gov. Fallin at the helm, Republicans finally moved into the 21st century on gay rights. And by 21st century, I mean, stayed with exactly the same, regressive platform they’ve always had, to wit: Gay people shouldn’t enjoy the right of straight people to get married. Trans people should have to use the bathroom of the government’s choosing. And best of all, Republicans actually support those poor, maligned businesses that discriminate against people based on sexual orientation. It’s all right here in the Republican Platform of 2016, for anyone who likes time travel but can’t get their beater up to 88mph.

Keep that bigoted bullshit in mind as we talk about our next speaker, PayPal billionaire Peter Thiel. CNN shaded him pretty hard in the infographic they displayed during his speech by reminding the audience he secretly funded Hulk Hogan’s successful lawsuit against Gawker Media.

tea shade shady willam

In his speech, Thiel had some pretty big gonads, and we say that for two reasons. First, like Donald Trump, he had the gall to criticize the American economic system while at the same time using it to increase his net worth by a shit ton of zeros. Second, he did something pretty admirable: he talked openly about being gay in a room that ain’t exactly down with that shit. There was a pretty tepid response at first, when he shanked at his fellow Republicans for being the self-appointed bathroom police.

“When I was a kid, the great debate was about how to defeat the Soviet Union. And we won. Now we are told that the great debate is about who gets to use which bathroom. This is a distraction from our real problems. Who cares?”

Excuse me a moment…

But the applause got louder when he said the following:

“I am proud to be gay. I am proud to be a Republican. But most of all I am proud to be an American. I don’t pretend to agree with every plank in our party’s platform; but fake culture wars only distract us from our economic decline.”

Peter Thiel said some awesome and progressive shit. Pretty much everyone in the room applauded him. So when does the applause end and the policy change begin? I’ll give the GOP a moment to think about that one.

Next up was businessman Tom Barrack, who warmed up the crowd for the Orange Don’s daughter, Ivanka. Since Ivanka’s speech was normal and sane, let’s talk about how fucking weird Tom Barrack’s was, shall we? This was the opening line:

“I feel like the anchovy on Ivanka’s Caesar salad. I know you’re salivating for that, and you’re gonna get it.”

I’m sure Tom Barrack didn’t mean anything weirdly sexual by that. What he meant to say was:

The dime store version of Daddy Warbucks had some other weird things to say about hunting gazelles and the Orange Don having human feelings, but it was so rambling and incoherent that we might as well move on to the star of this WWE main event.

The politically incorrect orangutan was pretty subdued by his standards. He only talked about himself for about 80 minutes, peppering his speech with some asides about what he was going to actually do to – I mean with – our country. Allow GossiPol to paraphrase, just in case the transcript is TL;DR for our intrepid readers.

“Our country was super good before we elected a Kenyan Muslim. Everything was sunshine and Twilight Sparkle. Then, we let a Black guy and a woman take charge. How many times do I or my campaign manager have to tell you what a stupid idea it is for anyone besides a white man to run things?

“Man, Hillary fucked things up so bad. Libya was doing tremendous things, and then she toppled Qaddafi and spoiled everything. I would’ve done the same thing, but the way I would’ve done it would’ve been so much more classy. She was probably on her period when she came up with that one, am I right fellas?

“Hillary Clinton has no respect for the laws in this country. Of course, I don’t either, but every law I broke I did to make money for myself, which is tremendously respectable.

“We’ve gotta suspend immigration from all those brown-skinned, Muslim countries. Did I mention Obama’s Kenyan and Muslim? You see where that got us, America. Sure, I wouldn’t be here if we suspended immigration, but my immigrant grandfather and mother were white. See the difference?

“Long story short, we don’t want a rigged system. People like me benefit from that, and look where that’s gotten us. Let’s win big, America!”

And so the curtain closes. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried – well, mostly cried, in the fetal position, wondering how in the hell we got here. But when the wind blows softly, we’ll hear the words, “Yuge” and “winning,” and we’ll reminisce fondly on how beautiful the world was before President Trump burned it all down in a massive tire fire.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Imgur, Giphy, Imgur, Panda Whale, Giphy, Inverse

Republican National Convention: Day Three

Finally, America! The Republican National Convention made the complete transition from political rally to WWE match. We knew it had to happen eventually when President Camacho’s orange counterpart came into the room on the first night like this:

So let’s get to it, shall we? Kicking things off was Florida governor Rick Scott. I’m not saying he’s Voldemort in disguise, but…

What is Voldemort doing at the RNC you ask? Unknown as of press time, but our working theory is that Trump’s weave is a horcrux, and he needs to keep it close since Harry Potter destroyed the other seven. Anyway, Gov. Scott pumped up his fellow Death Eaters by promising the Orange Don would “fire” all the politicians, just like he does to Z-list celebrities on The Apprentice. OK, so, did Voldemort quit his job as governor and not tell the state of Florida? What is it with Republicans and this particular brand of hypocritical pandering? They’ve got Ivy League-educated lawyers complaining about DC elitism, the governor of one of the largest states in America bitching about career politicians, and yet another governor lamenting the “clumsy hands of government.” Hey, guys who are part of the government – guess what?

I could talk all day about the shit that went down the rest of the day. Like how Astronaut Eileen Collins got cold feet about endorsing a sociopathic orangutan because she’s smart like that. Or how a Black female Trump employee by the name of Lynne Patton actually acknowledged that Black lives “have mattered less [in America]” to dead fucking silence. And “small business owner” Michelle Van Patten, who – I don’t even know what the fuck this was supposed to be, but her teleprompter freezing was probably the best thing to happen to that rambling-ass speech of hers.

GossiPol is kind of being a cock tease here, because we know all anybody wants to talk about is Ted Cruz actually putting his douchebaggery to good use by trolling Trump and his supporters. Basically what went down was, Ted Cruz did not endorse Donald Trump. He told the convention-goers to “vote your conscience.”

We want to applaud Ted Cruz for this ultimate dick move, but we also say, fuck him so hard. He had the chance to do something truly great, for once. He could’ve blown that shit wide open and said to Donald Trump’s face, “No one should vote for you. You called my wife wife ugly, you used the National Enquirer as a surrogate to smear me, and you called me Lyin’ Ted. OK, that last one is fair game, but the other stuff is not cool!” Instead, he kind of hedged his bets with this “vote your conscience” bullshit. They already did, asshole – that’s why you’re not the nominee.

After a few minutes of Ted Cruz filibustering the Convention by polishing off talking points for his next failed presidential run, the New York delegation smelled what he was stepping in and started booing his sorry ass.

These people don’t seem to realize that Ted Cruz gets off on people despising him. Instead of beating a hasty retreat, Ted stuck around long enough for the crowd to threaten his wife and father, who were in the audience. Why that idiot even allowed his family to sit there in the first place knowing he was about to piss off the entire room is beyond me. Ted Cruz is nothing if not a family man, though.

Finally, the Orange Don himself decided to come out and subtly hint that he was going to rush the stage and hit him with a folding chair, WWE style. Only then did Ted Cruz decide that he’d given the audience more than enough of his melting face and GTFO.

This morning, Trump tried to do damage control by pretending that he was super cool with Ted Cruz leaving an upper decker in the Convention bathroom, saying he already knew what the contents of the speech were going to be. Ted Cruz, meanwhile, safely ensconced in a room with supporters from his home state, said what he should’ve had the gonads to say onstage last night : “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and father.”

Back to last night: Trump’s running mate, Gov. Mike Pence, had the unenviable task of mopping up the piss Ted Cruz left all over the Convention stage. And it went really well! It started off with a bang, and a lot of sexual tension.

The speech itself was perfectly serviceable; a little too normal for this crowd. I kept waiting for Pence to give a Hillary Clinton blowup doll the People’s Elbow, but it never happened. Something we noticed about Pence for you guys to keep on your radar: he is totally George W. Bush’s soul sister. His speaking style is a combination of two things. First, he looks like he’s holding back a burp while he’s talking. During pauses, he does the patented W move of looking far into the distance while smiling and nodding his head so people think he’s contemplating some real deep shit, when in reality he wants nothing more than to get turnt at his local Sizzler.

GOP dad rnc republican national convention rnc 2016

Which is to say, we can’t wait for the VP debates!

Photo Credits: Giphy, Vox, Reddit, Hero Wikia, Phish.net, Gawker, RT, Giphy

Republican National Convention: Day Two

We’re still recovering from the schadenfreude hangover of Day One’s #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes, but GossiPol is by the people, for the people, and we’ve got no quit in us. Day Two came and went…

Jeb, you’re not even at the Convention, how did you get here? Anyway, Day Two – ahem­ – happened – and while it could never match up to the epic shitshow that was Day One, it certainly tried. Let’s get into the recap, shall we?

First up, Donald Trump was confirmed as the nominee in a roll call of delegates. There was talk of a mutiny in favor of Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby, but ultimately, people decided they hated Ted Cruz as much as his family and coworkers do.

Next up were the speeches. Now these guys don’t have the public speaking prowess of Michelle Obama – I mean, Melania Trump – but they were alright. The so-called “establishment” guys, better known as the guys who have actual political experience and don’t just hawk their name for a living, made their case for a coked-up orangutan as Commander In Chief. Trump might as well have been Voldemort as far as they were concerned, because you can count the number of times on one hand that each of them mentioned the Orange Don by name.

Ryan, in his speech, was vaguely optimistic about moving the country past the economic atrocity that was Obama’s presidency (shhh…don’t tell him about the record stock market) and only mentioned Trump by name twice.

McConnell, after getting the same kind of response from the RNC crowd that Trump gets at a hand-modeling competition:

Regaled the crowd with the Republican platform, which explains why this Convention has been short on substance. Defunding Planned Parenthood? Defunding Obamacare, with no plans to replace it with anything? Stacking the Supreme Court with Scalia clones? Man, McConnell must be fun at parties. “We have water, wine, beer, or soda.” Nope, we should only offer water, the bare minimum needed to survive. “Who wants to eat? I know everybody must be hungry.” No one should eat unless they pay for the food themselves. If you serve the whole party dinner, they’re never going to learn how to make it on their own. “Well, how about a game – who wants to play Jenga?” Not him. He’s anti-Jenga. “Cool, we can play charades, then?” Nope, he’s anti-Charades too. “What game do you want to play, Mitch?” Long, awkward silence.

As much as we love to pick on McConnell and Ryan, at least those poor bastards have policy ideas. What followed was a who’s-who of Z-list celebrities who thought they’d play at politics for the evening because their date canceled on them at the last minute.

Roided-up John Cena cosplayer, UFC President Dana White, seen here in strip club bouncer, executive realness:

Tried to convince Americans that a guy who supports human gladiatorial contests is exactly the guy you need to bring about the apocalypse – I mean, serve as President. How can you not want the Orange Don to have nuclear access codes after listening to Dana’s rousing words?

“In 2001, my partners [Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta] and I bought the UFC, and it was basically considered a blood sport. State athletic commissions didn’t support us. Arenas around the world refused to host our events. Nobody took us seriously. Nobody. Except Donald Trump.”

Can we just cut out the middle-man and elect President Camacho already? I know he’s a fictional character, but I’m beginning to think Idiocracy was a documentary.

president pandawhale idiocracy gfycat camacho

Damn, they even enter a room the same way. Anyway, the prime-time slots went to the Orange Don’s children. Tiffany Trump went up first. I really don’t have anything smart-assy to say about her because she’s not a politician, seems perfectly nice, and has already suffered enough at the hands of her father.

Next was Donald Trump, Jr., who was giving me serious shades of Patrick Bateman.

He gave a pretty good speech. It’s terrible policy-wise, but I can’t find fault with what his seasoned speechwriter put in there. And before you go there people, no it’s not plagiarism. It is however, judging by how – animated – he seemed, brought to you by Adderall. And no matter how poised he was, that doesn’t mean it rings any less hollow when he insists that he and his siblings “weren’t raised [to be] elite”.

Captain Obvious whatever sarcastic cool story bro ok

Yeah, because going to prep school and the Wharton School at UPenn is exactly how you educate your kids when you don’t want them to be “elite.” When did “elite” become such a negative word in the Republican party? Don’t we all strive, as Americans, to become “elite”? Hey, if you went to prep school and got to work in daddy’s business making millions of dollars, own that shit. Don’t pretend to be some working sap just so you can dismantle the entire public education system.

Last, but certainly not least in our hearts, is literal sleeper candidate Dr. Ben Carson. Our boy Ben got turnt, actually keeping his eyes open for ten, even fifteen second intervals, while he shit-talked Hillary for following the teachings of Civil Rights Era community organizer Saul Alinsky. To quote him directly:

“Now, one of the things that I have learned about Hillary Clinton is that one of her heroes, her mentors was Saul Alinsky. [….] Let me tell you something about Saul Alinsky. He wrote a book called, ‘Rules for Radicals.’ On the dedication page it acknowledges Lucifer, ‘the original radical who gained his own kingdom.’ [….] This is a nation where every coin in our pocket, and every bill in our wallet says, ‘In God We Trust.’ So, are we willing to elect someone as president who has as their role model somebody who acknowledges Lucifer? Think about that.”

Yeah, right? Republicans would never stoop so low as to emulate Alinsky. Just ask Dick Armey and the Tea Party. But don’t tell Dr. Carson just now – you’ll wake him.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Now This News via Twitter, Riffsy, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGif, Giphy, Tumblr