As day four came to a close, we saw the most powerful set of speakers yet make the case for why Hillary is not Donald Trump – I mean, is most qualified to be the first female President of the United States. Strangely, none of the speakers rushed onto the stage dropping pelvic thrusts in a stars and bars cape to “Real American,” Kenny Powers-style. The Orange Don would’ve never missed an opportunity to class up the proceedings in that way.
Strangely, the DNC’s choice of substance over style was just as riveting. One of the first speakers was the Rev. Dr. William Barber, II, the head of the North Carolina chapter of the NAACP. Rev. Barber might’ve looked timid gout-walking up to the DNC stage, but by the time he was finished, there was no doubt that this motherfucker owned the crowd. We really encourage you to watch the entire thing, because it was spectacular to see. The theme was, “The Heart of Democracy,” and y’all, it was like the Rev. King’s zombified body was brought back to life to read moral hypocrites for filth.
“We need to embrace our deepest moral values and push for a revival of the heart of our democracy. [….] Now, my friends, they tell me, that when the heart is in danger, somebody has to call an emergency code, and somebody with a good heart will bring a defibrillator to work on the bad heart. Because it’s possible to shock a bad heart and revive the pulse. In this season when some want to harden and stop the heart of our democracy, we are being called, like our foremothers and forefathers to be the moral defibrillators of our time. We must shock this nation with the power of love. [….] We can’t give up on the heart of our democracy – not now – not ever!”
Rev. Barber had that whole audience speaking in tongues by the end of his speech. He was a tough act to follow. But Khizr Khan, father of slain Army hero Capt. Humayun Khan, was able to follow it. You see, somebody had to tell Donald Trump how shitty he was for trying to ban Muslims from immigrating to the US. And that someone was Pakistani and Muslim immigrant Khizr Khan. It’s kind of hard for the sociopathic orangutan to shriek about national security when the people he wants to ban are doing their part to preserve that security. Again, this speech is a must-watch from beginning to end.
“Donald Trump, you are asking Americans to trust you with their future. Let me ask you: Have you even read the United States Constitution? (pulls pocket constitution from his coat) I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words, ‘liberty’ and ‘equal protection of law.’ Have you ever been to Arlington Cemetery? [….] You’ll see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one.”
Yes, Trump supporters, tell us again how Donald Trump respects our military? Perhaps, much like his estimation of his own penis size, Trump was being a tad overbroad when he said he backs all our troops.
After that, the DNC brought out the spouses of fallen police officers, because we hadn’t cried enough already. They also had Dallas Sheriff Lupe Valdez, who held a moment of silence for fallen officers (interrupted at the very end by one or two people screaming out. Thanks, random asshole, for feeding Fox News conspiracy theories). With all the families of fallen heroes, including several generals and a Medal of Honor recipient speaking at the DNC, I guess that shuts up about a million Republican conspiracy memes.
So then, it was on to the main event: Hill-Dog herself, who formally accepted the Democratic nomination. Surprisingly, she didn’t have a Scooby Doo moment where she ripped off her latex mask to reveal she was really Josef Stalin, then drop iron curtain on an unsuspecting America. Instead, she gave a pretty awesome speech where she talked about Bernie’s – I mean, her platform – and dumped on Drumpf. Everyone was riveted – well, almost everyone.
Give the guy a break – he’s getting up there in years, and he did seem genuinely emotional and proud when Hillary first stepped on stage. But it was past his bedtime, and courting Hooters waitresses for three hours before the convention is tiring work.
Anyway, Hillary’s speech was good stuff. We had a few favorite quotes:
“Don’t believe anyone who says, ‘I alone can do it. [….] Isn’t [Trump] forgetting troops on the front lines, police officers and fire fighters, [….] doctors and nurses, [….] teachers?”
“When any barrier falls in America, for anyone, it clears the way for everyone. When there are no ceilings, the sky’s the limit.”
“Imagine [Trump] in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”
At one point, she mentioned Bernie. When the camera cut to him, let’s just say he looked less than pleased.
This is the Bernie we all know and love: No fucks given and no pretense. If he’s having a shitty time at your party, he’s not gonna front like he’s loving it. For the last fucking time, he hates charades, he’s already missed Criminal Minds, and did anyone even consider an open bar before they invited all these people? Never change, Bernie. Never change.
So that’s it, America. Both conventions are done. One had all the pageantry of a goddamn Alabama concert, and the other was an actual political convention. We leave it to you to decide which one is more appropriate for the chief executive office, and which one is more appropriate for a no-holds-barred WWE tag-team event.