Well, Democrats seem determined to take the high road, don’t they? Once again, everybody onstage, even a few Republicans, endorsed the official nominee. And protestors didn’t try to suplex anybody they didn’t like. Weird. Well Democrats, if you’re not fans of mixing WWE with politics and really want to deprive us of this:
Then I suppose we’ll have to settle for a whole lot of verbal shade being thrown at your orange-tinted opponent. One of the first shade-throwers was surprisingly, former CIA head and Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta. It’s interesting, because Panetta and Hillary, while certainly not enemies, don’t appear to be besties either. But if there’s one man who can really bring people together in mutual hatred, it’s Donald J. Trump.
Earlier that day, the sociopathic orangutan decided it’d be a good idea to open his trap about the whole DNC hack fiasco. The hack been a good thing for him so far, which clearly had the Orange Don asking himself, “How can I torpedo any goodwill cultivated from my opponent’s misstep?” I’ll tell you how: by straight up asking Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. In that same press conference, he also strongly implied that Putin called Obama the N word. Of course, there’s no way for Trump to know any of this, because he doesn’t know Putin personally. Except when he does.
“Donald Trump, today, once again took Russia’s side. He asked the Russians to interfere in American politics. Think about that. Think about that for a moment. Donald Trump, who wants to be president of the United States, is asking one of our adversaries to engage in hacking or intelligence efforts against the United States to affect an election.”
Just to recap, a guy with almost 40 years public service experience, who served under both Democrats and Republicans, and who used to be head of the CIA, would rather Hillary “Private Server” Clinton have access to American intelligence secrets than Donald Trump. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s how scary Donald Trump is to the intelligence community.
It only got shadier from there. Billionaire media mogul and former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke next. How did that go, you ask? Well let’s just say Trump’s a lot more aerodynamic with all the new assholes Bloomberg ripped him.
“Now, we’ve heard a lot of talk in this campaign about needing a leader who understands business. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve built a business and I didn’t start it with a million-dollar check from my father. [….] Throughout his career, Trump has left behind a well-documented record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders, and contractors who feel cheated, and disillusioned customers who feel ripped off. Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.”
Finally, finally, another successful businessperson read Donald Trump for filth about his business practices. “You got a million dollar loan from Daddy to start your business? That’s cute. Tell me again about how you’re a self-made billionaire? I need a good laugh.”
Our personal favorite, though, had to be Vice President Joe Biden, or as we affectionately call him, Papa Joe. We call him Papa Joe because The Onion’s portrayal of him as a Trans Am-obsessed poon hound hustler is barely satire. Papa Joe gave his convention speech like that drunk guy at the bar who has some important shit to lay on you, if you’d just shut your goddamn mouth for a few minutes so he could talk. Because he’s serious, you guys. What he has to say will change your life.
“Ladies and gentlemen, to state the obvious and I’m not trying to be a wise guy here. I really mean it. That’s not Donald Trump’s story. Just listen to me a second without booing or cheering. I mean this sincerely, we should really think about this. His cynicism is unbounded. His lack of empathy and compassion can be summed up in a phrase that I suspect he’s most proud of having made famous, you’re fired. I mean really, I’m not joking. Think about that. Think about that. Think about everything you learned as a child, no matter where you were raised. How can there be pleasure in saying, you’re fired? He’s trying to tell us, he cares about the middle class, give me a break. That’s a bunch of malarkey.”
Nobody enjoyed the truth bombs more than Slick Willie. He was living for the sick Trump burns, you guys, and we can’t say we blame him. God, he’s going to make an amazing First Dude.
Of course, the star of the show was President Obama, who did a lot less shade-throwing than his predecessors at the convention. It was a long speech, but a good one. He talked about unity, improving on what he started, and Hillary being super over-qualified compared to her opponent. Most importantly, he encouraged everybody to quit bitching and start doing something, like voting for the presidential candidate who didn’t get scraped off of Chester Cheetah’s ass hairs.
“Now, Hillary has real plans to address the concerns she’s heard from you on the campaign trail. [….] That’s what leaders do. And then there’s Donald Trump. (Audience boos) Don’t boo—vote.”
I mean, seriously, people. You know how Donald Trump will really take all you “haters” seriously? If you get out there and vote for somebody that’s not him. Then, finally, America can tell him what he’s been telling Z-list celebrities for so many years: