It’s official now, America: Women not only be shopping, they also be nominated for president of the United States. Democrats had the roll call vote, and despite shenanigans from the DNC, it became apparent that Hill-Dog had enough votes to make herstory and become the first female candidate for president ever to be nominated by a major party.
Even during her milestone moment, though, Bernie still found a way to steal her shine. Bernie’s older brother (Older? Jesus, how is that even possible?) Larry cast the vote for him on behalf of the Democrats Abroad delegation. As he did, he talked about how their parents died young but would’ve been immensely proud of Bernie. Larry teared up, Bernie teared up, we teared up – don’t judge us, okay?
Ultimately, this pesky thing called math ruined everybody’s good time. Once the roll call got to Bernie’s home state of Vermont, he called for a halt to the proceedings and conceded that Hillary was the nominee. Some die-hard Berners did not get their Valtrex prescription in time for the roll call vote, because they were still feeling the Bern and staged a walkout.
Jesus people, what do you want, a sociopathic orangutan to be our next Commander in Chief? Hillary’s not a great choice, but Bernie is no longer a viable option. There are not ever going to be enough write-ins to elect Bernie when he couldn’t even get enough votes to defeat Hillary in the primary. So just do what we did: get a giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s (the flavor can even be Bernie’s Yearning if it makes you feel better), eat your feelings, and get on with voting for somebody that is actually a sitting candidate.
Once that shit was out of the way, it was on to the speakers. Mothers of the Movement, an activist group comprised of the mothers of Black people who have been killed by gun violence or neglect, were one of the first to speak. The mothers of Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, and Jordan Davis all talked about how violence needed to stop and we all need to come together as a nation. We don’t remember hearing anything about how Black people are better than white people and cops should be murdered en masse, but somehow that’s how Trump supporters took it. But hey, listening isn’t their strong suit. They’re voting for a guy who straight up called them stupid, so we probably can’t expect much better.
Former head of the DNC Howard Dean was aroused from his cryogenic sleep to make a convention speech. On a drunk scale from zero to Sarah Palin, we think Howard Dean clocked in at around a Ted Kennedy. We were getting bored watching him trip over his words until he got to the end and re-created the speech from his failed 2004 presidential run that birthed the infamous Dean Scream. But this time, Howard Dean was a total cock tease and didn’t let loose that rebel yell. We were extremely disappointed.
Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, however, knew what the people wanted. We wanted shade, and she delivered. Secretary Albright went in on the Orange Don and criticized his obsession with powerful dicks. I mean, dictators. It’s all the same to him, we’re sure.
“Many have argued that Donald Trump would harm our national security if he were elected president. The fact is: He has already done damage, just by running for president. He has undermined our fight against ISIS by alienating our Muslim partners. He has weakened our standing in the world by threatening to walk away from our friends and our allies – and by encouraging more countries to get nuclear weapons. Donald Trump also has a strange admiration for dictators such as Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-un, and Vladimir Putin. When asked about Putin, Donald Trump said – and I quote – “in terms of leadership, he’s getting an ‘A.'””
The star of the night was definitely future First Dude, President William Jefferson Clinton. Bill is like that old CEO who insists that before we adjourn the meeting, we hear at least one story from his epic poon-hound days. It’s always a good story, but it runs about an hour longer than necessary. Slick Willie was in rare form last night, and actually said some shit about his wife that we’d never heard before that really humanized her. The first part of his speech should have been subtitled: “The Neverending Story, or How I finally scored with Hillary Rodham.” Bill talked about how he was always trying to get it wet, but Hillary wasn’t having any of his bullshit. After years of harassment and a failed proposal, Bill finally got what he wanted and married way out of his league.
The second half of the speech should have been subtitled: “Awesome shit Hillary did that you didn’t even know about for some reason.” The full transcript is here, and we encourage you guys to take a read so you can spend about a quarter of the time that we did in watching it live.
Bill’s genius was on display, because he coined a new phrase for Hillary: “Change maker.” Hillary has done everything from sliming fish in Alaska (whatever the fuck that is), lobbying for educational reform, busting the lid on segregation in Alabama schools, and carrying Bill’s sorry ass to two terms as Arkansas governor. It’s pretty cool stuff that we never hear her talking about (perhaps for good reason?). So Bill did it for her, he did a good job of it, and we even got a half-melted Werther’s at the end of the speech for our troubles.
After it was all over, Meryl Streep introduced Hillary and gave us the patented Dean Scream we were denied earlier in the evening. It was just as creepy coming from a female Oscar winner.
Give that bitch another Oscar for her riveting portrayal of Howard Dean! Then, Hillary spoke in a video where she broke through a glass ceiling that must have been photoshopped by Mariah Carey’s minions.
But again, day two has come and gone and still no one was body-slammed into a card table. Where is your sense of WWE pageantry, Democrats? Don’t you want to match the Republicans in style and flair?
Right – carry on then.