Democratic National Convention: Day One

What a disappointing day. Hillary Clinton didn’t emerge from a foggy doorway to “Barracuda.” Nobody talked about their dick size onstage. And worst of all, every single candidate endorsed the presumptive nominee. Democrats, this is not how you run a convention: just ask Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle. Despite the fact that the DNC was clearly not sponsored by the WWE, there were still fireworks and intrigue aplenty. Let’s get to it, shall we?

First up, we had a parade of undocumented immigrants (or as Republicans call them, “Dey took urr jurbs!”) speak about how an evil orangutan would deport 11 million of their asses if he became president. It was especially moving when a young girl born in America talked about her fear that her undocumented mother would get deported.

It’s kind of a dilemma for us here at GossiPol. We certainly don’t want to separate families. But, we don’t want everybody coming into the country undocumented, do we? What is the plan to make sure that the good people stay and the bad people either leave or never get in? GossiPol hates to be a buzzkill (no, we don’t) but there might be a middle ground between the Republican and Democrat immigration platforms.

Ugh, now we feel weird. Isn’t there some kind of dick joke we can make about the DNC, or are we just going to have to shoehorn one in?

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt amy sedaris thats what she said funny tina fey

Ah, right on time. Next up, we have US Senator from Minnesota and SNL alum Al Franken, who was fucking savage in his takedown of Donald Trump’s business skills. We really encourage you guys to watch the whole thing, because it was satire at its finest. Basically, he pretended to be an expert with a Ph.D in bullshit with his fake degree from Trump University. Our favorite line was when Sen. Franken twisted the knife he’d already buried in the Orange Don’s comb-over weave:

“And clearly Donald Trump’s enormous – dare I say huge – success as a businessman qualifies him to be president. And if you believe that, I’ve got some delicious Trump steaks to sell you.”

Damn, Al:

Then Sarah Silverman joined him onstage, and that’s where shit got weird. Sarah Silverman, a big-time Bernie supporter, laid out her cogent reasons for switching to Hillary, which pretty much matches GossiPol’s reasons: 1. Bernie lost and isn’t a candidate anymore, 2. Hillary adopted a lot of Bernie platforms, and most importantly, 3. Hillary is shady, but she isn’t a coked-up orangutan with the emotional development of a fourth grader. There were a lot of Bernie or Bust supporters in the audience, so Sarah’s well-reasoned speech was met with a lot of this:

Sarah Silverman apparently forgot to take her give-a-fuck pills that day, because she snapped right back at the crowd: “Bernie or Bust people, you’re being ridiculous.”

We here at GossiPol have long documented our Bernie-crush, but we still loved Sarah Silverman bitching at the people booing her for endorsing the presumptive nominee. Where did they think they were going, a 4/20 convention? Of course everyone on stage is endorsing Hillary. This isn’t the RNC, people!

After that, US Senator from New Jersey Cory Booker took us to church y’all. We got the vapors all the way through our TV screen, it was that good. The Holy Spirit took hold of Sen. Booker’s body and delivered a firebrand speech about how awesome America is when we work together, and how much better it could be if we cast out the demon that is Donald J. Trump.

“Here in Philadelphia, let us declare again that we will be a free people. Free from fear and intimidation. Let us declare that we are a nation of interdependence, and that in America love always trumps hate. Let us declare, so that generations yet unborn can hear us. We are the United States of America; our best days are ahead of us. And together, with Hillary Clinton as our President, America, we will rise.”

Excuse us for a moment:

Cory Booker got a lot sexier to us in that moment. Wait, what? Where were we? Oh yes. If you thought that was a tough act to follow, you obviously aren’t Melania Trump – I mean, FLOTUS and all around BAMF Michelle Obama. She was the first speaker to really quiet the boo birds, probably because none of them wanted to be at the receiving end of her patented cut eye.

Also because her speech was, to coin the parlance of a brain-dead tanning bed shart, “tremendous.” First, she threw some expert-level shade at the Orange Don:

“I want someone with the proven strength to persevere, someone who knows this job and takes it seriously, someone who understands that the issues a president faces are not black and white and cannot be boiled down to 140 characters.”

Then she talked about the bittersweet feeling of a Black woman living in the White House.

“That is the story of this country, the story that has brought me to this stage tonight, the story of generations of people who felt the lash of bondage, the shame of servitude, the sting of segregation, but who kept on striving and hoping and doing what needed to be done so that today I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves. And I watch my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent, black young women playing with their dogs on the White House lawn. And because of Hillary Clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be president of the United States.”

Finally, she put the nail in the Orange Don’s coffin by co-opting his campaign slogan.

“So, look, so don’t let anyone ever tell you that this country isn’t great, that somehow we need to make it great again. Because this right now is the greatest country on earth!”

All we have to say is this:

Finally, there was Bernie. It’s a good thing Hillary Clinton didn’t follow the Donald Trump/WWE method of appearing on stage every night, because there’s no way she wouldn’t have suffered by comparison. Bernie got a three minute standing ovation. The audience was super hype; women were crying like Judge Judy just walked onto that stage.

You see, the Bernie or Bust people were holding out hope that he’d tell HRC to go fuck herself. Why they thought Bernie would use Ted Cruz as his role model, I’ll never understand. But no. Bernie was actually able to bring some chill to the proceedings, which we honestly didn’t think he’d be able to do after the Sarah Silverman fiasco. He broke it down like this:

“It is no secret that Hillary Clinton and I disagree on a number of issues. That’s what this campaign has been about. That’s what democracy is about. But I am happy to tell you that at the Democratic Platform Committee there was a significant coming together between the two campaigns and we produced, by far, the most progressive platform in the history of the Democratic Party. Among many other strong provisions, the Democratic Party now calls for breaking up the major financial institutions on Wall Street and the passage of a 21st Century Glass-Steagall Act. It also calls for strong opposition to job-killing free trade agreements like the Trans-Pacific Partnership.”

Sure it’s disappointing that we won’t see a Bernie presidency. But he reminded us that one man can’t do it alone – we’ve got to elect the Congress that we need to make things happen (duh, people – all elections matter!). And he made the DNC – and America – dank again. And for that, we will always be grateful.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Giphy, Reddit, Buzzfeed, Tumblr, Bustle, PinterestTeen, Uproxx

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