Finally, the WWE cage match that was the RNC came to a close. It had everything: twists and turns, a surprise entrance from a villain who was booed off the stage, and the patriotic hero delivering a climactic speech about how awesome he is and how much everyone else sucks. What more can you ask of the WWE?
Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin was one of the first to get the party started. She waxed poetic on the American ideals of equality, saying, “The American people are longing for the American dream where they can get a fair shake at life and the opportunity to succeed.” It totally matches the Republican platform, of which she was co-chair.
You see, with Gov. Fallin at the helm, Republicans finally moved into the 21st century on gay rights. And by 21st century, I mean, stayed with exactly the same, regressive platform they’ve always had, to wit: Gay people shouldn’t enjoy the right of straight people to get married. Trans people should have to use the bathroom of the government’s choosing. And best of all, Republicans actually support those poor, maligned businesses that discriminate against people based on sexual orientation. It’s all right here in the Republican Platform of 2016, for anyone who likes time travel but can’t get their beater up to 88mph.
Keep that bigoted bullshit in mind as we talk about our next speaker, PayPal billionaire Peter Thiel. CNN shaded him pretty hard in the infographic they displayed during his speech by reminding the audience he secretly funded Hulk Hogan’s successful lawsuit against Gawker Media.
In his speech, Thiel had some pretty big gonads, and we say that for two reasons. First, like Donald Trump, he had the gall to criticize the American economic system while at the same time using it to increase his net worth by a shit ton of zeros. Second, he did something pretty admirable: he talked openly about being gay in a room that ain’t exactly down with that shit. There was a pretty tepid response at first, when he shanked at his fellow Republicans for being the self-appointed bathroom police.
“When I was a kid, the great debate was about how to defeat the Soviet Union. And we won. Now we are told that the great debate is about who gets to use which bathroom. This is a distraction from our real problems. Who cares?”
Excuse me a moment…
But the applause got louder when he said the following:
“I am proud to be gay. I am proud to be a Republican. But most of all I am proud to be an American. I don’t pretend to agree with every plank in our party’s platform; but fake culture wars only distract us from our economic decline.”
Peter Thiel said some awesome and progressive shit. Pretty much everyone in the room applauded him. So when does the applause end and the policy change begin? I’ll give the GOP a moment to think about that one.
Next up was businessman Tom Barrack, who warmed up the crowd for the Orange Don’s daughter, Ivanka. Since Ivanka’s speech was normal and sane, let’s talk about how fucking weird Tom Barrack’s was, shall we? This was the opening line:
“I feel like the anchovy on Ivanka’s Caesar salad. I know you’re salivating for that, and you’re gonna get it.”
I’m sure Tom Barrack didn’t mean anything weirdly sexual by that. What he meant to say was:
The dime store version of Daddy Warbucks had some other weird things to say about hunting gazelles and the Orange Don having human feelings, but it was so rambling and incoherent that we might as well move on to the star of this WWE main event.
The politically incorrect orangutan was pretty subdued by his standards. He only talked about himself for about 80 minutes, peppering his speech with some asides about what he was going to actually do to – I mean with – our country. Allow GossiPol to paraphrase, just in case the transcript is TL;DR for our intrepid readers.
“Our country was super good before we elected a Kenyan Muslim. Everything was sunshine and Twilight Sparkle. Then, we let a Black guy and a woman take charge. How many times do I or my campaign manager have to tell you what a stupid idea it is for anyone besides a white man to run things?
“Man, Hillary fucked things up so bad. Libya was doing tremendous things, and then she toppled Qaddafi and spoiled everything. I would’ve done the same thing, but the way I would’ve done it would’ve been so much more classy. She was probably on her period when she came up with that one, am I right fellas?
“Hillary Clinton has no respect for the laws in this country. Of course, I don’t either, but every law I broke I did to make money for myself, which is tremendously respectable.
“We’ve gotta suspend immigration from all those brown-skinned, Muslim countries. Did I mention Obama’s Kenyan and Muslim? You see where that got us, America. Sure, I wouldn’t be here if we suspended immigration, but my immigrant grandfather and mother were white. See the difference?
“Long story short, we don’t want a rigged system. People like me benefit from that, and look where that’s gotten us. Let’s win big, America!”
And so the curtain closes. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried – well, mostly cried, in the fetal position, wondering how in the hell we got here. But when the wind blows softly, we’ll hear the words, “Yuge” and “winning,” and we’ll reminisce fondly on how beautiful the world was before President Trump burned it all down in a massive tire fire.