We’re still recovering from the schadenfreude hangover of Day One’s #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes, but GossiPol is by the people, for the people, and we’ve got no quit in us. Day Two came and went…
Jeb, you’re not even at the Convention, how did you get here? Anyway, Day Two – ahem – happened – and while it could never match up to the epic shitshow that was Day One, it certainly tried. Let’s get into the recap, shall we?
First up, Donald Trump was confirmed as the nominee in a roll call of delegates. There was talk of a mutiny in favor of Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby, but ultimately, people decided they hated Ted Cruz as much as his family and coworkers do.
Next up were the speeches. Now these guys don’t have the public speaking prowess of Michelle Obama – I mean, Melania Trump – but they were alright. The so-called “establishment” guys, better known as the guys who have actual political experience and don’t just hawk their name for a living, made their case for a coked-up orangutan as Commander In Chief. Trump might as well have been Voldemort as far as they were concerned, because you can count the number of times on one hand that each of them mentioned the Orange Don by name.
Ryan, in his speech, was vaguely optimistic about moving the country past the economic atrocity that was Obama’s presidency (shhh…don’t tell him about the record stock market) and only mentioned Trump by name twice.
McConnell, after getting the same kind of response from the RNC crowd that Trump gets at a hand-modeling competition:
Regaled the crowd with the Republican platform, which explains why this Convention has been short on substance. Defunding Planned Parenthood? Defunding Obamacare, with no plans to replace it with anything? Stacking the Supreme Court with Scalia clones? Man, McConnell must be fun at parties. “We have water, wine, beer, or soda.” Nope, we should only offer water, the bare minimum needed to survive. “Who wants to eat? I know everybody must be hungry.” No one should eat unless they pay for the food themselves. If you serve the whole party dinner, they’re never going to learn how to make it on their own. “Well, how about a game – who wants to play Jenga?” Not him. He’s anti-Jenga. “Cool, we can play charades, then?” Nope, he’s anti-Charades too. “What game do you want to play, Mitch?” Long, awkward silence.
As much as we love to pick on McConnell and Ryan, at least those poor bastards have policy ideas. What followed was a who’s-who of Z-list celebrities who thought they’d play at politics for the evening because their date canceled on them at the last minute.
Roided-up John Cena cosplayer, UFC President Dana White, seen here in strip club bouncer, executive realness:
Tried to convince Americans that a guy who supports human gladiatorial contests is exactly the guy you need to bring about the apocalypse – I mean, serve as President. How can you not want the Orange Don to have nuclear access codes after listening to Dana’s rousing words?
“In 2001, my partners [Lorenzo and Frank Fertitta] and I bought the UFC, and it was basically considered a blood sport. State athletic commissions didn’t support us. Arenas around the world refused to host our events. Nobody took us seriously. Nobody. Except Donald Trump.”
Can we just cut out the middle-man and elect President Camacho already? I know he’s a fictional character, but I’m beginning to think Idiocracy was a documentary.
Damn, they even enter a room the same way. Anyway, the prime-time slots went to the Orange Don’s children. Tiffany Trump went up first. I really don’t have anything smart-assy to say about her because she’s not a politician, seems perfectly nice, and has already suffered enough at the hands of her father.
Next was Donald Trump, Jr., who was giving me serious shades of Patrick Bateman.
He gave a pretty good speech. It’s terrible policy-wise, but I can’t find fault with what his seasoned speechwriter put in there. And before you go there people, no it’s not plagiarism. It is however, judging by how – animated – he seemed, brought to you by Adderall. And no matter how poised he was, that doesn’t mean it rings any less hollow when he insists that he and his siblings “weren’t raised [to be] elite”.
Yeah, because going to prep school and the Wharton School at UPenn is exactly how you educate your kids when you don’t want them to be “elite.” When did “elite” become such a negative word in the Republican party? Don’t we all strive, as Americans, to become “elite”? Hey, if you went to prep school and got to work in daddy’s business making millions of dollars, own that shit. Don’t pretend to be some working sap just so you can dismantle the entire public education system.
Last, but certainly not least in our hearts, is literal sleeper candidate Dr. Ben Carson. Our boy Ben got turnt, actually keeping his eyes open for ten, even fifteen second intervals, while he shit-talked Hillary for following the teachings of Civil Rights Era community organizer Saul Alinsky. To quote him directly:
“Now, one of the things that I have learned about Hillary Clinton is that one of her heroes, her mentors was Saul Alinsky. [….] Let me tell you something about Saul Alinsky. He wrote a book called, ‘Rules for Radicals.’ On the dedication page it acknowledges Lucifer, ‘the original radical who gained his own kingdom.’ [….] This is a nation where every coin in our pocket, and every bill in our wallet says, ‘In God We Trust.’ So, are we willing to elect someone as president who has as their role model somebody who acknowledges Lucifer? Think about that.”
Yeah, right? Republicans would never stoop so low as to emulate Alinsky. Just ask Dick Armey and the Tea Party. But don’t tell Dr. Carson just now – you’ll wake him.