Republican National Convention: Day One

So, yeah, that happened. Republicans are apparently all-in on being super-crazy, and they proved it with last night’s shitshow that happened in Cleveland, where a fiery river of sewage is more than just a metaphor. Before speakers could even take the stage, Republicans had to quell a small mutiny. For some weird reason, they used their words instead of exercising their God-given Second Amendment rights. You see, shit was getting so bad, the Cleveland Police Union asked Governor Kasich to suspend open-carry laws while the convention was in town. Clearly the Police Union wasn’t paying attention during the Republican Primary, because Kasich would rather gorge himself at an all-you-can-eat buffet than deal with actual conflict in his own party.

A bunch of anti-Trump people bitched that there should be a roll call vote just to make sure that Chester Cheetah and Andrew Dice Clay’s busted condom baby was actually the nominee. Spoiler alert: they didn’t get it.

With that messiness out of the way, Republicans were free to complete their transformation, and emerge from the chrysalis that was the party of Lincoln into the glorious, racist butterfly that is the party of Trump.

Pretty much every speaker exemplified the new “progressive” attitude toward race. As in, progressing off a cliff and into a new Civil War. First up in race-baiting fuckery was Milwaukee County Sheriff David A. Clarke, who was super-pumped that another cop was acquitted of murdering Freddie Gray. Um…yay for justice?

Next, noted racial harmonizer Rudy Giuliani drunk-yelled in the microphone about law and order and Hillary Clinton. He probably told those damn kids to get off his lawn too, but I stopped paying attention when spittle shot off his chin the 30th time in ten minutes. The only time he didn’t get raucous applause was when he talked about how police officers who broke the law should be held accountable, because duh, racism.

Rep. Steve King of Iowa wasn’t a speaker, but he really should’ve been. He had some really cool things to say about race relations on MSNBC last night. And by “cool,” I mean super fucked-up. Let Ted Cruz’s secret admirer break it down for you. From the Washington Post:

“I’d ask you to go back through history and figure out, where are these contributions that have been made by these other categories of people that you’re talking about, where did any other subgroup of people contribute more to civilization?”

“Than white people?” [MSNBC moderator Chris] Hayes asked, clearly amazed.

“Than – than Western civilization itself,” King replied. “It’s rooted in Western Europe, Eastern Europe and the United States of America and every place where the footprint of Christianity settled the world. That’s all of Western civilization.”

I don’t know what else to say to this except…

racism bruce lee racist thats racist reactiongifs

The North Star in all the GOP fuckery had to be Melania Trump. We all know by now that the Orange Don’s third mail-order bride cribbed Michelle Obama’s notes from the 2008 Democratic National Convention. It’s probably just her speechwriters who did that nifty bit of plagiarism. Except that Melania bragged about writing almost the entire thing herself “with as little help as possible.” You know, with her bachelor’s degree she got at a university in Slovenia, Melania probably was able to write the un-plagiarized portions herself. Oh right, except that whole part about her completing university was entirely made up by the Trump camp. Unless you count dropping out your freshman year as getting your bachelor’s in design and architecture. The best part of this whole fiasco is that Melania got a roomful of racist assholes to nod approvingly at the words of a Black woman. But they’re totally not racist, you guys! Right, Michelle?

the tonight show michelle obama jimmy fallon will ferrell

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tumblr, Slant News, Giphy, Giphy

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  1. Pingback: Democratic National Convention: Day One | GossiPol

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