Donald Trump and Mike Pence Come Out Publicly As a Couple On 60 Minutes

And it’s about as much of a shitshow as you might expect. Donald Trump momentarily put his dreams of fucking his daughter on hold so he could join Indiana governor Mike Pence in unholy political matrimony. In other words, Trump finally quit dicking around and picked a presidential running mate. Unfortunately for anyone with basic cable and a functioning set of eyes and ears, that union was publicized on Sunday’s newest edition of 60 Minutes. As with all public displays of affection, Trump and Pence’s handholding was nauseating and uncomfortable for everyone involved. To be fair, though, it was slightly less homoerotic than their erstwhile campaign slogan.

Get a room you two. The entire interview is up here, but these are the lowlights for those of you too lazy or smart to sacrifice 20 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

First, there was Trump’s foreign policy agenda, which is totally going to be the opposite of Obama’s, you guys. Let’s hear it from the Orange Don himself, shall we?

“We’re gonna declare war against ISIS. [….] I am going to have very few troops on the ground [in Syria and Iraq]. [….] and we’re going to have surrounding states and, very importantly, get NATO involved.”

Hmm, declare war on ISIS and attack them with limited troops on the ground while letting NATO do most of the work? Where have I heard this before?

dancing obama barack obama happy dance

Obama’s full plan and request for Authorization of the Use of Military Force against ISIS is here for anyone who cares to read it. You might notice the similarities, if you’re not a brain-dead tanning bed shart.

It only goes downhill from there. Next, Trump decides to pull out the ole double-standard card. Lesley Stahl gets curious about Mike Pence voting to go to war in Iraq, the very same decision that Trump gives Hillary so much shit for. Trump handled that question with all the grace of a cockatoo on cocaine.

Donald Trump: Yeah, you went to Iraq, but that was handled so badly. And that was a war– by the way, that was a war that we shouldn’t have entered because Iraq did not knock down–excuse me

Lesley Stahl: Your running mate voted for [going to war in Iraq].

Donald Trump: I don’t care.

Lesley Stahl: What do you mean you don’t care that he voted for [the Iraq War]?

Donald Trump: It’s a long time ago. And he voted that way and they were also misled. A lot of information was given to people. [….] But I was against the war in Iraq from the beginning.

Lesley Stahl: Yeah, but you’ve used that vote of Hillary’s that was the same as Governor Pence as the example of her bad judgment.

Donald Trump: He’s entitled to make a mistake every once in a while.

Lesley Stahl: [….] She’s not?

Donald Trump: No. She’s not.

Different standard for men than for women? Check. Repeating the tired lie about how he was always against going to war in Iraq? Check. Yup, I think we’ve checked off every play in the Donald Trump Hypocrisy Playbook, available at every fine Trump University retailer.

There’s too much good shit to cover in one blog post, especially when we have the train wreck better known as the RNC to recap. From Trump constantly interrupting his new battered spouse/running mate, to Lesley Stahl subtly shading the Orange Don for his multiple marriages, it’s all equal parts horror and entertainment.

It wouldn’t be right of us to leave out best part, though. Trump finally did what Bill Maher always promised would happen before the end of the campaign: he bragged about how humble he was, because Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle couldn’t possibly resist being the best at everything.

Lesley Stahl: You’re not known to be a humble man. But I wonder–

Donald Trump: I think I am, actually humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.

Photo Credits: CBS News via, Giphy, Giphy, ImgFlip