Democratic National Convention: Day Four

As day four came to a close, we saw the most powerful set of speakers yet make the case for why Hillary is not Donald Trump – I mean, is most qualified to be the first female President of the United States. Strangely, none of the speakers rushed onto the stage dropping pelvic thrusts in a stars and bars cape to “Real American,” Kenny Powers-style. The Orange Don would’ve never missed an opportunity to class up the proceedings in that way.

Strangely, the DNC’s choice of substance over style was just as riveting. One of the first speakers was the Rev. Dr. William Barber, II, the head of the North Carolina chapter of the NAACP. Rev. Barber might’ve looked timid gout-walking up to the DNC stage, but by the time he was finished, there was no doubt that this motherfucker owned the crowd. We really encourage you to watch the entire thing, because it was spectacular to see. The theme was, “The Heart of Democracy,” and y’all, it was like the Rev. King’s zombified body was brought back to life to read moral hypocrites for filth.

“We need to embrace our deepest moral values and push for a revival of the heart of our democracy. [….] Now, my friends, they tell me, that when the heart is in danger, somebody has to call an emergency code, and somebody with a good heart will bring a defibrillator to work on the bad heart. Because it’s possible to shock a bad heart and revive the pulse. In this season when some want to harden and stop the heart of our democracy, we are being called, like our foremothers and forefathers to be the moral defibrillators of our time. We must shock this nation with the power of love. [….] We can’t give up on the heart of our democracy – not now – not ever!”

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Rev. Barber had that whole audience speaking in tongues by the end of his speech. He was a tough act to follow. But Khizr Khan, father of slain Army hero Capt. Humayun Khan, was able to follow it. You see, somebody had to tell Donald Trump how shitty he was for trying to ban Muslims from immigrating to the US. And that someone was Pakistani and Muslim immigrant Khizr Khan. It’s kind of hard for the sociopathic orangutan to shriek about national security when the people he wants to ban are doing their part to preserve that security. Again, this speech is a must-watch from beginning to end.

“Donald Trump, you are asking Americans to trust you with their future. Let me ask you: Have you even read the United States Constitution? (pulls pocket constitution from his coat) I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words, ‘liberty’ and ‘equal protection of law.’ Have you ever been to Arlington Cemetery? [….] You’ll see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one.”

Yes, Trump supporters, tell us again how Donald Trump respects our military? Perhaps, much like his estimation of his own penis size, Trump was being a tad overbroad when he said he backs all our troops.

After that, the DNC brought out the spouses of fallen police officers, because we hadn’t cried enough already. They also had Dallas Sheriff Lupe Valdez, who held a moment of silence for fallen officers (interrupted at the very end by one or two people screaming out. Thanks, random asshole, for feeding Fox News conspiracy theories). With all the families of fallen heroes, including several generals and a Medal of Honor recipient speaking at the DNC, I guess that shuts up about a million Republican conspiracy memes.

So then, it was on to the main event: Hill-Dog herself, who formally accepted the Democratic nomination. Surprisingly, she didn’t have a Scooby Doo moment where she ripped off her latex mask to reveal she was really Josef Stalin, then drop iron curtain on an unsuspecting America. Instead, she gave a pretty awesome speech where she talked about Bernie’s – I mean, her platform – and dumped on Drumpf. Everyone was riveted – well, almost everyone.

Give the guy a break – he’s getting up there in years, and he did seem genuinely emotional and proud when Hillary first stepped on stage. But it was past his bedtime, and courting Hooters waitresses for three hours before the convention is tiring work.

Anyway, Hillary’s speech was good stuff. We had a few favorite quotes:

“Don’t believe anyone who says, ‘I alone can do it. [….] Isn’t [Trump] forgetting troops on the front lines, police officers and fire fighters, [….] doctors and nurses, [….] teachers?”

“When any barrier falls in America, for anyone, it clears the way for everyone. When there are no ceilings, the sky’s the limit.”

“Imagine [Trump] in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

At one point, she mentioned Bernie. When the camera cut to him, let’s just say he looked less than pleased.

This is the Bernie we all know and love: No fucks given and no pretense. If he’s having a shitty time at your party, he’s not gonna front like he’s loving it. For the last fucking time, he hates charades, he’s already missed Criminal Minds, and did anyone even consider an open bar before they invited all these people? Never change, Bernie. Never change.

So that’s it, America. Both conventions are done. One had all the pageantry of a goddamn Alabama concert, and the other was an actual political convention. We leave it to you to decide which one is more appropriate for the chief executive office, and which one is more appropriate for a no-holds-barred WWE tag-team event.

Photo Credits: Giphy, WiffleGifGiphy, ReplyGif, Gateway Pundit, Romper, Yahoo

Democratic National Convention: Day Three

Well, Democrats seem determined to take the high road, don’t they? Once again, everybody onstage, even a few Republicans, endorsed the official nominee. And protestors didn’t try to suplex anybody they didn’t like. Weird. Well Democrats, if you’re not fans of mixing WWE with politics and really want to deprive us of this:

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Then I suppose we’ll have to settle for a whole lot of verbal shade being thrown at your orange-tinted opponent. One of the first shade-throwers was surprisingly, former CIA head and Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta. It’s interesting, because Panetta and Hillary, while certainly not enemies, don’t appear to be besties either. But if there’s one man who can really bring people together in mutual hatred, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Earlier that day, the sociopathic orangutan decided it’d be a good idea to open his trap about the whole DNC hack fiasco. The hack been a good thing for him so far, which clearly had the Orange Don asking himself, “How can I torpedo any goodwill cultivated from my opponent’s misstep?” I’ll tell you how: by straight up asking Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. In that same press conference, he also strongly implied that Putin called Obama the N word. Of course, there’s no way for Trump to know any of this, because he doesn’t know Putin personally. Except when he does.

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After hearing that bullshit, Leon Panetta changed his DNC speech at the eleventh hour and opened up the library on Trump.

“Donald Trump, today, once again took Russia’s side. He asked the Russians to interfere in American politics. Think about that. Think about that for a moment. Donald Trump, who wants to be president of the United States, is asking one of our adversaries to engage in hacking or intelligence efforts against the United States to affect an election.”

Just to recap, a guy with almost 40 years public service experience, who served under both Democrats and Republicans, and who used to be head of the CIA, would rather Hillary “Private Server” Clinton have access to American intelligence secrets than Donald Trump. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s how scary Donald Trump is to the intelligence community.

It only got shadier from there. Billionaire media mogul and former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke next. How did that go, you ask? Well let’s just say Trump’s a lot more aerodynamic with all the new assholes Bloomberg ripped him.

“Now, we’ve heard a lot of talk in this campaign about needing a leader who understands business. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve built a business and I didn’t start it with a million-dollar check from my father. [….] Throughout his career, Trump has left behind a well-documented record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders, and contractors who feel cheated, and disillusioned customers who feel ripped off. Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.”

Finally, finally, another successful businessperson read Donald Trump for filth about his business practices. “You got a million dollar loan from Daddy to start your business? That’s cute. Tell me again about how you’re a self-made billionaire? I need a good laugh.”

Our personal favorite, though, had to be Vice President Joe Biden, or as we affectionately call him, Papa Joe. We call him Papa Joe because The Onion’s portrayal of him as a Trans Am-obsessed poon hound hustler is barely satire. Papa Joe gave his convention speech like that drunk guy at the bar who has some important shit to lay on you, if you’d just shut your goddamn mouth for a few minutes so he could talk. Because he’s serious, you guys. What he has to say will change your life.

“Ladies and gentlemen, to state the obvious and I’m not trying to be a wise guy here. I really mean it. That’s not Donald Trump’s story. Just listen to me a second without booing or cheering. I mean this sincerely, we should really think about this. His cynicism is unbounded. His lack of empathy and compassion can be summed up in a phrase that I suspect he’s most proud of having made famous, you’re fired. I mean really, I’m not joking. Think about that. Think about that. Think about everything you learned as a child, no matter where you were raised. How can there be pleasure in saying, you’re fired? He’s trying to tell us, he cares about the middle class, give me a break. That’s a bunch of malarkey.”

Nobody enjoyed the truth bombs more than Slick Willie. He was living for the sick Trump burns, you guys, and we can’t say we blame him. God, he’s going to make an amazing First Dude.

Of course, the star of the show was President Obama, who did a lot less shade-throwing than his predecessors at the convention. It was a long speech, but a good one. He talked about unity, improving on what he started, and Hillary being super over-qualified compared to her opponent. Most importantly, he encouraged everybody to quit bitching and start doing something, like voting for the presidential candidate who didn’t get scraped off of Chester Cheetah’s ass hairs.

“Now, Hillary has real plans to address the concerns she’s heard from you on the campaign trail. [….] That’s what leaders do. And then there’s Donald Trump. (Audience boos) Don’t boo—vote.”

I mean, seriously, people. You know how Donald Trump will really take all you “haters” seriously? If you get out there and vote for somebody that’s not him. Then, finally, America can tell him what he’s been telling Z-list celebrities for so many years:

will ferrell anchorman youre fired

Photo Credits: PopSugar, Giphy, Giphy, Photo Bucket, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

Democratic National Convention: Day Two

It’s official now, America: Women not only be shopping, they also be nominated for president of the United States. Democrats had the roll call vote, and despite shenanigans from the DNC, it became apparent that Hill-Dog had enough votes to make herstory and become the first female candidate for president ever to be nominated by a major party.

Even during her milestone moment, though, Bernie still found a way to steal her shine. Bernie’s older brother (Older? Jesus, how is that even possible?) Larry cast the vote for him on behalf of the Democrats Abroad delegation. As he did, he talked about how their parents died young but would’ve been immensely proud of Bernie. Larry teared up, Bernie teared up, we teared up – don’t judge us, okay?

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Ultimately, this pesky thing called math ruined everybody’s good time. Once the roll call got to Bernie’s home state of Vermont, he called for a halt to the proceedings and conceded that Hillary was the nominee. Some die-hard Berners did not get their Valtrex prescription in time for the roll call vote, because they were still feeling the Bern and staged a walkout.

Jesus people, what do you want, a sociopathic orangutan to be our next Commander in Chief? Hillary’s not a great choice, but Bernie is no longer a viable option. There are not ever going to be enough write-ins to elect Bernie when he couldn’t even get enough votes to defeat Hillary in the primary. So just do what we did: get a giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s (the flavor can even be Bernie’s Yearning if it makes you feel better), eat your feelings, and get on with voting for somebody that is actually a sitting candidate.

Once that shit was out of the way, it was on to the speakers. Mothers of the Movement, an activist group comprised of the mothers of Black people who have been killed by gun violence or neglect, were one of the first to speak. The mothers of Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, and Jordan Davis all talked about how violence needed to stop and we all need to come together as a nation. We don’t remember hearing anything about how Black people are better than white people and cops should be murdered en masse, but somehow that’s how Trump supporters took it. But hey, listening isn’t their strong suit. They’re voting for a guy who straight up called them stupid, so we probably can’t expect much better.

Former head of the DNC Howard Dean was aroused from his cryogenic sleep to make a convention speech. On a drunk scale from zero to Sarah Palin, we think Howard Dean clocked in at around a Ted Kennedy. We were getting bored watching him trip over his words until he got to the end and re-created the speech from his failed 2004 presidential run that birthed the infamous Dean Scream. But this time, Howard Dean was a total cock tease and didn’t let loose that rebel yell. We were extremely disappointed.

down looking chris farley disappointed

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, however, knew what the people wanted. We wanted shade, and she delivered. Secretary Albright went in on the Orange Don and criticized his obsession with powerful dicks. I mean, dictators. It’s all the same to him, we’re sure.

“Many have argued that Donald Trump would harm our national security if he were elected president. The fact is: He has already done damage, just by running for president. He has undermined our fight against ISIS by alienating our Muslim partners. He has weakened our standing in the world by threatening to walk away from our friends and our allies – and by encouraging more countries to get nuclear weapons. Donald Trump also has a strange admiration for dictators such as Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-un, and Vladimir Putin. When asked about Putin, Donald Trump said – and I quote – “in terms of leadership, he’s getting an ‘A.'””

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The star of the night was definitely future First Dude, President William Jefferson Clinton. Bill is like that old CEO who insists that before we adjourn the meeting, we hear at least one story from his epic poon-hound days. It’s always a good story, but it runs about an hour longer than necessary. Slick Willie was in rare form last night, and actually said some shit about his wife that we’d never heard before that really humanized her. The first part of his speech should have been subtitled: “The Neverending Story, or How I finally scored with Hillary Rodham.” Bill talked about how he was always trying to get it wet, but Hillary wasn’t having any of his bullshit. After years of harassment and a failed proposal, Bill finally got what he wanted and married way out of his league.

The second half of the speech should have been subtitled: “Awesome shit Hillary did that you didn’t even know about for some reason.” The full transcript is here, and we encourage you guys to take a read so you can spend about a quarter of the time that we did in watching it live.

Bill’s genius was on display, because he coined a new phrase for Hillary: “Change maker.” Hillary has done everything from sliming fish in Alaska (whatever the fuck that is), lobbying for educational reform, busting the lid on segregation in Alabama schools, and carrying Bill’s sorry ass to two terms as Arkansas governor. It’s pretty cool stuff that we never hear her talking about (perhaps for good reason?). So Bill did it for her, he did a good job of it, and we even got a half-melted Werther’s at the end of the speech for our troubles.

After it was all over, Meryl Streep introduced Hillary and gave us the patented Dean Scream we were denied earlier in the evening. It was just as creepy coming from a female Oscar winner.

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Give that bitch another Oscar for her riveting portrayal of Howard Dean! Then, Hillary spoke in a video where she broke through a glass ceiling that must have been photoshopped by Mariah Carey’s minions.

But again, day two has come and gone and still no one was body-slammed into a card table. Where is your sense of WWE pageantry, Democrats? Don’t you want to match the Republicans in style and flair?

Right – carry on then.

Photo Credits: Primogif, GiphyNot the Pink, Giphy, GiphyTumblr, Reddit

Democratic National Convention: Day One

What a disappointing day. Hillary Clinton didn’t emerge from a foggy doorway to “Barracuda.” Nobody talked about their dick size onstage. And worst of all, every single candidate endorsed the presumptive nominee. Democrats, this is not how you run a convention: just ask Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle. Despite the fact that the DNC was clearly not sponsored by the WWE, there were still fireworks and intrigue aplenty. Let’s get to it, shall we?

First up, we had a parade of undocumented immigrants (or as Republicans call them, “Dey took urr jurbs!”) speak about how an evil orangutan would deport 11 million of their asses if he became president. It was especially moving when a young girl born in America talked about her fear that her undocumented mother would get deported.

It’s kind of a dilemma for us here at GossiPol. We certainly don’t want to separate families. But, we don’t want everybody coming into the country undocumented, do we? What is the plan to make sure that the good people stay and the bad people either leave or never get in? GossiPol hates to be a buzzkill (no, we don’t) but there might be a middle ground between the Republican and Democrat immigration platforms.

Ugh, now we feel weird. Isn’t there some kind of dick joke we can make about the DNC, or are we just going to have to shoehorn one in?

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt amy sedaris thats what she said funny tina fey

Ah, right on time. Next up, we have US Senator from Minnesota and SNL alum Al Franken, who was fucking savage in his takedown of Donald Trump’s business skills. We really encourage you guys to watch the whole thing, because it was satire at its finest. Basically, he pretended to be an expert with a Ph.D in bullshit with his fake degree from Trump University. Our favorite line was when Sen. Franken twisted the knife he’d already buried in the Orange Don’s comb-over weave:

“And clearly Donald Trump’s enormous – dare I say huge – success as a businessman qualifies him to be president. And if you believe that, I’ve got some delicious Trump steaks to sell you.”

Damn, Al:

Then Sarah Silverman joined him onstage, and that’s where shit got weird. Sarah Silverman, a big-time Bernie supporter, laid out her cogent reasons for switching to Hillary, which pretty much matches GossiPol’s reasons: 1. Bernie lost and isn’t a candidate anymore, 2. Hillary adopted a lot of Bernie platforms, and most importantly, 3. Hillary is shady, but she isn’t a coked-up orangutan with the emotional development of a fourth grader. There were a lot of Bernie or Bust supporters in the audience, so Sarah’s well-reasoned speech was met with a lot of this:

Sarah Silverman apparently forgot to take her give-a-fuck pills that day, because she snapped right back at the crowd: “Bernie or Bust people, you’re being ridiculous.”

We here at GossiPol have long documented our Bernie-crush, but we still loved Sarah Silverman bitching at the people booing her for endorsing the presumptive nominee. Where did they think they were going, a 4/20 convention? Of course everyone on stage is endorsing Hillary. This isn’t the RNC, people!

After that, US Senator from New Jersey Cory Booker took us to church y’all. We got the vapors all the way through our TV screen, it was that good. The Holy Spirit took hold of Sen. Booker’s body and delivered a firebrand speech about how awesome America is when we work together, and how much better it could be if we cast out the demon that is Donald J. Trump.

“Here in Philadelphia, let us declare again that we will be a free people. Free from fear and intimidation. Let us declare that we are a nation of interdependence, and that in America love always trumps hate. Let us declare, so that generations yet unborn can hear us. We are the United States of America; our best days are ahead of us. And together, with Hillary Clinton as our President, America, we will rise.”

Excuse us for a moment:

Cory Booker got a lot sexier to us in that moment. Wait, what? Where were we? Oh yes. If you thought that was a tough act to follow, you obviously aren’t Melania Trump – I mean, FLOTUS and all around BAMF Michelle Obama. She was the first speaker to really quiet the boo birds, probably because none of them wanted to be at the receiving end of her patented cut eye.

Also because her speech was, to coin the parlance of a brain-dead tanning bed shart, “tremendous.” First, she threw some expert-level shade at the Orange Don:

“I want someone with the proven strength to persevere, someone who knows this job and takes it seriously, someone who understands that the issues a president faces are not black and white and cannot be boiled down to 140 characters.”

Then she talked about the bittersweet feeling of a Black woman living in the White House.

“That is the story of this country, the story that has brought me to this stage tonight, the story of generations of people who felt the lash of bondage, the shame of servitude, the sting of segregation, but who kept on striving and hoping and doing what needed to be done so that today I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves. And I watch my daughters, two beautiful, intelligent, black young women playing with their dogs on the White House lawn. And because of Hillary Clinton, my daughters and all our sons and daughters now take for granted that a woman can be president of the United States.”

Finally, she put the nail in the Orange Don’s coffin by co-opting his campaign slogan.

“So, look, so don’t let anyone ever tell you that this country isn’t great, that somehow we need to make it great again. Because this right now is the greatest country on earth!”

All we have to say is this:

Finally, there was Bernie. It’s a good thing Hillary Clinton didn’t follow the Donald Trump/WWE method of appearing on stage every night, because there’s no way she wouldn’t have suffered by comparison. Bernie got a three minute standing ovation. The audience was super hype; women were crying like Judge Judy just walked onto that stage.

You see, the Bernie or Bust people were holding out hope that he’d tell HRC to go fuck herself. Why they thought Bernie would use Ted Cruz as his role model, I’ll never understand. But no. Bernie was actually able to bring some chill to the proceedings, which we honestly didn’t think he’d be able to do after the Sarah Silverman fiasco. He broke it down like this:

“It is no secret that Hillary Clinton and I disagree on a number of issues. That’s what this campaign has been about. That’s what democracy is about. But I am happy to tell you that at the Democratic Platform Committee there was a significant coming together between the two campaigns and we produced, by far, the most progressive platform in the history of the Democratic Party. Among many other strong provisions, the Democratic Party now calls for breaking up the major financial institutions on Wall Street and the passage of a 21st Century Glass-Steagall Act. It also calls for strong opposition to job-killing free trade agreements like the Trans-Pacific Partnership.”

Sure it’s disappointing that we won’t see a Bernie presidency. But he reminded us that one man can’t do it alone – we’ve got to elect the Congress that we need to make things happen (duh, people – all elections matter!). And he made the DNC – and America – dank again. And for that, we will always be grateful.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Giphy, Reddit, Buzzfeed, Tumblr, Bustle, PinterestTeen, Uproxx

Jon Stewart Hurts Sean Hannity’s Feelings Bad

Let’s all take a moment to enjoy how awesome Jon Stewart’s brief return to television really was. He only needed about ten minutes on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert to completely decimate Donald Trump, Fox News, and the Republican Party. It’s all here if you haven’t seen it yet.

The monologue was inspired by Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, which happened after he tried to recreate the slave-girl Leia scene from Return of the Jedi about 3,000 times over the course of his career.

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We’ll get to that gelatinous hypocrite later. For now, let’s stick with Jon Stewart and his brilliant monologue. He had some special words for Sean Hannity, whom he dubbed “Lumpy.” It went something like this:

“Either Lumpy and his friends are lying about being bothered by thin-skinned, authoritarian, less-than-Christian readers-of-prompter being president. Or they don’t care, as long as it’s their thin-skinned prompter-authoritarian-tyrant-narcissist. You just want that person to give you your country back. Because you feel that you’re this country’s rightful owners. There’s only one problem with that. This country isn’t yours. You don’t own it. It never was. There is no real America. You don’t own it. You don’t own patriotism. You don’t own Christianity. You sure as hell don’t own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police and firefighters.”

Or, to paraphrase:

As you can imagine, Hannity didn’t take too kindly to being shanked at for acting like the world’s biggest hypocrite. Maybe it was the whole “Lumpy” thing? After all, Hannity has to be the softest-looking MMA master we’ve ever seen. But he can totally kick your ass.

The next day on his radio show, Hannity let the world know he wasn’t bothered as he dry-sobbed his way through a profanity-laden tirade about what a meanie Jon Stewart was.

“I see they brought that idiot Jon Stewart back from the dead. Great, attack me all you want. I was right about Obama and you’re a fool who head his head — had your head so far up Obama’s ass, Jon Stewart. I’ve never seen anybody kiss an ass like you kiss his. And now you’re sucking up to him putting your head up Hillary’s ass and sucking up to her too. Fine.”

Damn, Hannity, gurl, you seem a little hot and bothered.

you mad prince u mad you real mad bitch you mad

Hannity couldn’t let it go, either. Like the Calvin Harris to Jon Stewart’s Taylor Swift, he wants the world to know that he dumped her, not the other way around. And like all mature adults, he took to Twitter to prove just that.

“I’ve never seen anyone kiss more ass than #JonStewart. You’re a fool, go back into retirement.”

Ha! Way to not give him the power, gurl. Don’t worry, you’ll stop crying soon, Lumpy.

Photo Credits: Bob CescaGiphy, Wifflegif, Giphy, MTV