Scenes Of Pure Horror From the Ted Cruz Family Town Hall

GossiPol is truly doing you a public service, America. We know you didn’t want to watch the blatant pandering and condescension that accompanies any televised event involving Ted Cruz, so we did it for you. At the very least, probation should consider reducing our community service hours.

The NYC town hall aired a couple of days ago on CNN, and largely consisted of Ted Cruz and his family pretending not to hate each other. Some takeaways were: Ted Cruz bought 100 cans of Campbell soup all at once on his honeymoon, because he’s obviously a serial killer. We also learned his newest dirty campaign trick: giving people who donate to his campaign “deputy delegate” cards, because that’s not at all misleading.

The real ick moment, though, came when Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby talked about the “fun” game he plays with his two grade school-age daughters.

“The girls, it — you know, we have something of a game where to get a hug and kiss from the girls, I usually have to do about four laps chasing them in the living room.  And one will go one way and one will go the other way, and I have to tackle them.  They usually get their good night hugs hanging upside down by their feet.  And it’s — we have fun.”

Excuse me for one second.

I will never be clean again after hearing that description. Seriously though, who thinks this game is fun? It can’t be his daughters. And if you think I’m just piling on because I hate Ted Cruz, I give you Exhibit A:

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During the town hall, his daughters looked more like hostages than willing participants. Heidi Cruz’s smile/grimace whenever Ted Cruz talked was in full display. Heidi – seriously gurl – blink twice if you’re being held captive.

Photo Credits: Not Sorry FeminismMake a GIF, Imgur, My Fabulous Boobies

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John Kasich Now Winning Republican Race For Most Misogynist Candidate

It was close for a while. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz were neck-and-neck in the contest to be the biggest assholes to women. Dark horse candidate John Kasich wasn’t having that bullshit, though.

During a town hall in Watertown, NY this morning, Kasich decided to end that contest for good and all. From CNN:

“[A] first-year student at St. Lawrence University in Canton, New York, had asked the Ohio governor at a town hall here how he would help her ‘feel safer and more secure regarding sexual violence, harassment and rape’ as president. [….]Kasich jumped in, saying he had advice. ‘Well I would give you, I’d also give you one bit of advice. Don’t go to parties where there’s a lot of alcohol. OK? Don’t do that,’ Kasich said as the audience applauded.”

I’m sure Kasich would’ve also offered other pearl (necklaces) of wisdom had time allowed, like “Don’t use a tampon if you want your virginity to stay intact,” “If you dress like a slut, you’re asking for it,” and “Why are you going to parties if you don’t want a train run on you?” He didn’t say those things, obviously, but don’t they just flow nicely with his actual quote?

Just in case you think this bit of misogyny is a one-time deal, let me give you exhibits A-Z. Like the time he said women “left their kitchens” to get him elected. Or the time he asked a woman at another town hall if she was on a diet in response to a question about government corruption. Not to mention the time he defunded Planned Parenthood in his home state of Ohio.

So no, Kasich didn’t have a little oopsie (which is probably how he describes a woman getting pregnant via rape). He’s in this anti-woman thing for the long fucking haul. Kudos to him, though! He’s got to be good at something right? Because we know winning presidential elections is not one of those skills he possesses. If he doesn’t win this time, though, I’m never letting him out of the kitchen again.

Photo Credits: Not Sorry Feminism, GiphyReaction GIFs, Giphy

Sarah Palin Comes For Bill Nye

In news that should shock no one, Alaska’s favorite drunk aunt Sarah Palin hit the sauce extra hard on Thursday. Instead of drunkenly slurring out the words to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” and passing out in a pool of her own vomit at her favorite Wasilla karaoke joint, Auntie Sarah decided to get turnt at a much more unlikely venue: The House committee on science, space and technology. And no, unfortunately she didn’t accidentally stumble in – she was fucking invited by the chair of that committee, Texas Republican Lamar Smith.

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It was at that committee that Auntie Sarah decided to shank at Bill Nye for some unknown reason, saying, “He’s as much of a scientist as I am.”

Goddamnit Sarah, how many times do I have to tell you: being a certified mixologist does NOT make you a scientist, OK? Bill Nye, on the other hand, got his B.S. in mechanical engineering from Cornell, so – he’s actually a LOT more of a scientist than you. But hey, do you have any other pearl (necklaces) of wisdom for us, Auntie Sarah? But of course you do. From Gawker:

“There is definitely a political agenda behind all of this and as you suggested people who are involved in this issue they are not stupid. They have studied this stuff. They have studied the data that they are erroneously delivering to the public to make us think that we can somehow change the weather and how they do that is to grow government and allow the government to have more control over us, our homes, our businesses, our families, our lives, and it’s quite unfortunate because these people must be purposely doing this, right?”

Where do I begin with this bitch? First of all, yes, “they” (which I guess means those liberal hippie “scientists”) have in fact, “studied this stuff.” So why not take their word for it, since they’re – you know – experts on the subject? Second of all, does she really think that the basic thesis of climatologists everywhere is that climate change is like Storm from X-Men? Like, when climatologists say there’s a human influence on climate change, they’re saying we can control the weather WITH OUR MINDS OR SOMETHING?

When confronted with the choice between believing climatologists who study changes in weather patterns for a living and Auntie Sarah who has a movie to shill, I’m going to have to go with the scientists on this one. But hey, if I ever need recommendations on how to properly insert a vodka enema, I’ll keep Auntie Sarah in mind.

Photo Credits: GiphyGiphy, Giphy, Giphy,

Democratic Debate In Brooklyn: It’s Getting Severe Up In Here

At last night’s Democratic debate in Brooklyn, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton dropped the pretenses and straight up said they fucking hated each other’s guts. There was still a disappointing lack of dick-measuring, but that didn’t mean the event lacked in fireworks.

Hillary’s evil cackle and Bernie’s mean-mugging were out in full force last night. Shit got real in a hurry when Wall Street came up. CNN moderators asked Bernie for a specific example of how Hillary’s policies were affected by donations from big banks. Bernie never really answered the question. This could have been a victory for Hillary, but she just had to fucking gloat, which gave Bernie the perfect opening to pull out the trusty shank he keeps in his pill organizer and cut at her for her Goldman Sachs speeches.

Hillary: I called [the big banks] out on their mortgage behavior. I also was very willing to speak out against some of the special privileges they had under the tax code.

Bernie: Secretary Clinton called them out. Oh my goodness, they must have been really crushed by this. And was that before or after you received huge sums of money by giving speaking engagements? So they must have been very, very upset by what you did.

Bernie could have put his shank back in his pill organizer and saved it for a rainy day, but he decided to keep using that motherfucker for the rest of the debate. When asked about whether he thought all corporations were evil, he doubled down on his feud with the CEO of Verizon:

“There are some great businesses who treat their workers and the environment with respect. Verizon happens not to be one of them.”

When asked about Hillary’s use of the term “super-predator” back in the 90s, Bernie shanked at Hillary, and included her husband in the beatdown for good measure:

Moderator: Senator Sanders, earlier this week at the Apollo Theater in Harlem, you called out President Clinton for defending Secretary Clinton’s use of the term super-predator back in the ’90s when she supported the crime bill. Why did you call him out?

Bernie: Because it was a racist term and everybody knew it was a racist term.

My favorite Bern burn, though, came when CNN tried to get him to backtrack on his promise of making public colleges and universities tuition free. As you might imagine, Bernie wasn’t having that shit.

“Public colleges and universities tuition free? Damn right. That is exactly what we should be doing.”

Bernie also had a great analysis of how to handle the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. It’s kind of tough to make dick jokes about a war-torn region, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read more about it here.

Hillary, to summarize, adopted almost all of Bernie’s talking points, pretended she was “always” in the “Fight for 15 [dollars per hour minimum wage]” (spoiler alert: she wasn’t), and waffled on whether she would actually support lifting the payroll income cap on SSI. She also took me higher by serving up some Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego executive realness instead of her usual Chairman Mao cosplay.

In the end, Bernie got the hometown crowd so hype, Hillary had to wait for them to stop chanting before she could even begin her closing statement. As we here at GossiPol are feeling the Bern, of course we have to give this debate win to Bernie and celebrate with a now-perfunctory dank meme.

Photo Credits: CNN, CNN, Tumblr

Hillary Clinton and Bill de Blasio Do Comedy Skit That Kills

At least it would have at a KKK rally. During a charity fundraiser in NYC, Hill-Dog and her frenemy, NYC mayor Bill de Blasio, decided to liven things up a little bit by talking about something other than politics. Unfortunately, that “something” was a super-racist skit. From CBS News:

“Clinton set up the joke: ‘I just have to say thanks for the endorsement, Bill. Took you long enough,’ she said, referring to the fact that he endorsed her months after she launched her campaign. ‘Sorry Hillary, I was running on C.P. time,’ de Blasio responded, seemingly referring to the slang term ‘colored people time.’ The term alludes to the stereotype that African Americans are typically late. Actor Leslie Odom Jr., who plays Aaron Burr in the musical ‘Hamilton,’ was also on stage and told the mayor, ‘That’s not — I don’t like jokes like that, Bill.’ Clinton then delivered the punchline, responding that de Blasio was referring to ‘cautious politician time.’”

I can’t even right now.

Hillary was obviously on board with this ridiculous skit initially, considering the fact that she clearly rehearsed it and then performed it in front of a large group of people. Only after receiving a lot of blowback –

Jeb, I’m hard at work, which is more than I can say for you right now. Make a joke about that one, bitch.

 

Anyway, after receiving a lot of – ahem – criticism for the skit, Hillary found the intestinal fortitude to take responsibility for her lack of judgment and apologize. I’m just fucking with you. This is Hillary Clinton we’re talking about, people! She did what she always does in a scandal – she immediately blamed that shit on somebody else, namely her best friend of about five minutes, Bill de Blasio. From the New York Times:

“‘Well, look, it was Mayor de Blasio’s skit,’ Mrs. Clinton told Cosmopolitan magazine. ‘He has addressed it, and I will really defer to him because it is something that he’s already talked about.’”

I simply cannot with this woman. “It was Mayor de Blasio’s skit?” Yes, yes it was. So who was that bitch in the skit with him, sporting Chairman Mao executive realness, your twin fucking sister? This was a skit that YOU participated in, knowing full well the content from start to finish. At least de Blasio has the balls to stand in there and defend his own work. Hillary though, she’s gonna act all insulted that you even asked her about it, like she was a fucking bystander in this whole thing. To quote the legendary Latrice Royale, “Five G’s Please.”

Really though, we should just stay focused on the issues. I’m sure Hillary would want us to do that instead of focusing on her minstrel-sy sideshow. So let’s do that – let’s look at the issues. Like how Hillary’s frenemy de Blasio is under federal investigation for shady fundraising. Or how Verizon executives who are shanking at Bernie for joining a picket line against them are also lining Hillary’s pockets, giving her more than $200K for a speech. Is that the kind of shit you’d like us to focus on, Hillary?

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