At last night’s Democratic debate in Brooklyn, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton dropped the pretenses and straight up said they fucking hated each other’s guts. There was still a disappointing lack of dick-measuring, but that didn’t mean the event lacked in fireworks.
Hillary’s evil cackle and Bernie’s mean-mugging were out in full force last night. Shit got real in a hurry when Wall Street came up. CNN moderators asked Bernie for a specific example of how Hillary’s policies were affected by donations from big banks. Bernie never really answered the question. This could have been a victory for Hillary, but she just had to fucking gloat, which gave Bernie the perfect opening to pull out the trusty shank he keeps in his pill organizer and cut at her for her Goldman Sachs speeches.
Hillary: I called [the big banks] out on their mortgage behavior. I also was very willing to speak out against some of the special privileges they had under the tax code.
Bernie: Secretary Clinton called them out. Oh my goodness, they must have been really crushed by this. And was that before or after you received huge sums of money by giving speaking engagements? So they must have been very, very upset by what you did.
Bernie could have put his shank back in his pill organizer and saved it for a rainy day, but he decided to keep using that motherfucker for the rest of the debate. When asked about whether he thought all corporations were evil, he doubled down on his feud with the CEO of Verizon:
“There are some great businesses who treat their workers and the environment with respect. Verizon happens not to be one of them.”
When asked about Hillary’s use of the term “super-predator” back in the 90s, Bernie shanked at Hillary, and included her husband in the beatdown for good measure:
Moderator: Senator Sanders, earlier this week at the Apollo Theater in Harlem, you called out President Clinton for defending Secretary Clinton’s use of the term super-predator back in the ’90s when she supported the crime bill. Why did you call him out?
Bernie: Because it was a racist term and everybody knew it was a racist term.
My favorite Bern burn, though, came when CNN tried to get him to backtrack on his promise of making public colleges and universities tuition free. As you might imagine, Bernie wasn’t having that shit.
“Public colleges and universities tuition free? Damn right. That is exactly what we should be doing.”
Bernie also had a great analysis of how to handle the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks. It’s kind of tough to make dick jokes about a war-torn region, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read more about it here.
Hillary, to summarize, adopted almost all of Bernie’s talking points, pretended she was “always” in the “Fight for 15 [dollars per hour minimum wage]” (spoiler alert: she wasn’t), and waffled on whether she would actually support lifting the payroll income cap on SSI. She also took me higher by serving up some Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego executive realness instead of her usual Chairman Mao cosplay.
In the end, Bernie got the hometown crowd so hype, Hillary had to wait for them to stop chanting before she could even begin her closing statement. As we here at GossiPol are feeling the Bern, of course we have to give this debate win to Bernie and celebrate with a now-perfunctory dank meme.