The Time Ted Cruz Tried To Ban Dildos In Texas

One might criticize Ted Cruz for this, until one takes a look at that photo of the world’s most punchable face and realizes how much of a threat dildos pose to him getting laid. Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby was, once upon a time, allowed to terrorize only the good people of Texas with his draconian politics. Back in 2007, Ted Cruz was the Solicitor General of Texas. Sounds like a fairly sexy job, but it actually doesn’t entail soliciting prostitutes for every voter in Texas. In this case, it involved defending a bullshit Texas law that banned the sale of vibrators. From Mother Jones:

“In 2007, Cruz’s legal team, [….] filed a 76-page brief calling on the [….] 5th Circuit to uphold the lower court’s decision and permit the [ban on sex toys] law to stand. [….]The brief insisted that Texas, in order to protect ‘public morals,’ had ‘police-power interests’ in ‘discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors.’ There was a ‘government’ interest, it maintained, in ‘discouraging…autonomous sex.’ The brief compared the use of sex toys to ‘hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,’ and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution. In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz’s office declared, ‘There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.’”

Excuse me, one moment:

broad city

OK, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s unpack those statements. Basically, Ted Cruz thinks that a person getting themselves off with a vibrator is like “bigamy”? Like, we’re married to our vibrators?

what confused kroll show publizity wait what

Again, I hate to defend Ted Cruz on anything, but speaking for myself, he’s totally right. My vibrator and I have been acting like a married couple for years now. We sleep together, go out on dates, argue, have makeup sex, rinse, repeat. If my vibrator broke and “left me,” I’d be totally devastated. If the hostess at Red Lobster wants to side-eye me after I ask for a table for two (me and my vibrator, of course), I’ll tell her to fuck off, and remind her that future president (ha!) Ted Cruz gets it: me and my vibrator have been joined in holy matrimony. What God has joined, let no man tear asunder. Now if you’ll excuse me, my dildo and I are going to Netflix and chill, if you know what I mean.

netflix and chill

Photo Credits: TumblrTumblr, Giphy, Metro UK via Giphy