For years, scientists have studied the paradox of Schrodinger’s cat. The premise hinges around a simple hypothetical: you have a cat sealed in a box with radioactive poison set to a timer. So long as you don’t open that box, the cat is both alive and dead at the same time. It is only when you open the box that you will confirm whether the radiation was released, and if cat is either dead or alive. Physics nerds, don’t flood my inbox with hate mail telling me what an overly-simplistic explanation that is. Remember that you’re on a website that trades in dick jokes for a living.
We here at GossiPol would like to unveil a breakthrough in quantum mechanics. Introducing our patented, tried-and-true paradox: Schrodinger’s Trump. Everything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth is simultaneously true and false. Unlike Schrodinger’s cat, however, there is only one possible outcome when you examine things up close: the statement is always bullshit, because Donald Trump said it. What else did you expect from the Cheeto-fied cousin-in-law of President Herbert Mountain Dew Camacho?
Schrodinger’s Trump revealed itself yet again when the Orange Don farted up some words about abortion. From Politico:
“Trump and his campaign last week walked back his comments during an MSNBC town hall, in which he told host Chris Matthews he backed an abortion ban and suggested women who have abortions be punished if the procedure were outlawed. Conservatives were outraged, and within hours, his campaign sent out two statements clarifying that he would punish only abortion providers — not women. ‘That was a hypothetical question. That was not a wrong answer,’ Trump [said]. ‘There were other people that wrote me letters by the hundreds saying that was a great answer.’”
When Trump says he’s against abortion, he actually means he’s for it, except when he’s against it. Abortion should be outlawed and women should be jailed for getting the procedure, except of course when it should be perfectly legal, and why are we even talking about putting women in jail, what are you, crazy! That was a hypothetical he was responding to, abortion would never be outlawed, but there should be a ban on it. Are we clear, America?