With the presidential election in full swing, we Americans must give careful thought and consideration to who is most qualified to be part of the newest President’s cabinet. GossiPoL has already resolved the SCOTUS impasse. You’d think we’d consider that a job well-done and call it a day, but we live to serve. After much consideration, we’ve found the most qualified candidate to fill the impending vacancy at Secretary of State:
Bow down, bitches, because Ina Garten is here to entertain all of the world’s heads of state. She’s got it all: style, grace, and government experience. That’s right, she served in the Ford AND Carter administrations working on nuclear energy policy. Fuck it, let’s just make her the Republican nominee – she’s definitely got more experience than the spray tan version of President Camacho.
Vladimir Putin may seem implacable now, but wait until Secretary Garten re-creates his favorite borscht recipe: he’ll be putty in her hands before she even gets to the dessert course (homemade Russian shortbread cookies and Vlad’s new signature cocktail). Is the Ayatollah being an Ass-hole-ah? Allow Secretary Garten to treat him to a week-long getaway at her “quaint” multi-million dollar estate in East Hampton. He’ll leave rested, rejuvenated, and ready to comply with the new nuclear deal. Just don’t tell him she’s Jewish.
Speaking of Jewish people, Secretary Garten could throw such a bomb-ass party for Israel and Palestine, with such elegant place settings, that we might even get peace in the Middle East as an added bonus.
We will have no pesky email scandals from this Secretary of State. Unlike Hillary Clinton, Ina has no concept of this new thing the kids are calling “computers,” at least judging from the “Ask Ina” segments on Barefoot Contessa.
She does have conditions, though. You didn’t think you were getting her for free, did you? She’ll require a significant pay raise from her current multi-million dollar salary, just to make that shit worthwhile. When she hosts state dinners, she is not making that meal from any store-bought shit. Unless it’s the antipasti platter, because who has time to roast and pickle their own artichokes?
She will need her army of gays, especially her bottom bitch Michael, who does all of her most complicated and eye-catching flower arrangements. She’ll also need every Friday off, because that’s Jeffrey’s roast chicken night. It’s a small price to pay for world peace, America!