Ted Cruz and Sean Hannity Have a Lovers Quarrel

Once upon a time, Sean Hannity used to be Ted Cruz’s ride-or-die bitch. They would go on long walks in the park, make achingly passionate love, but more than anything, they would just – talk. They would just hold hands, and – talk. That was what made the relationship more beautiful than anything.

Well, conservative America, your two dads hate to break this to you, but – they’ve decided, after a lot of thought, to have a trial separation. They love each other, you see, but they’re just not in love with each other anymore. They still love you though. Very much. Of course, kids, you know that’s not exactly true. As much as they love you, they hate each other more. They hate each other so much, they’ve taken things from simmering resentment to full-on, public screaming matches. From Business Insider:

Hannity pointed out that the Cruz campaign has focused on wooing delegates who might be able to switch their votes from Trump to Cruz on a second convention ballot.

“It’s more than a process question,” Hannity said. “It’s an integrity-of-the-election question.”

Cruz responded that the “only people asking this question are the hardcore Donald Trump supporters.”

[….] “Senator, why do you do this every single time?” Hannity asked, cutting Cruz off as he was speaking. “You’ve got to stop. Every time I have you on the air, and I ask a legitimate question, you try to throw this in my face. I’m getting sick of it. I’ve had you on more than any other candidate on radio and TV. So if I ask you, senator, a legitimate question to explain to the audience, why don’t you just answer it?”

Cruz asked if he could answer Hannity’s question “without being interrupted.”

All Cruz wants to do is co-parent the Republican party with Hannity without dragging each other through the mud. The last thing you should do is badmouth the ex-spouse to the kids, right? Well, Hannity still has an ax to grind over the way the relationship went down, and he’s taking that beef straight to Twitter. Here’s a few of his choicest tweefs (that’s mouth-queefing on Twitter, for you amateurs) from Media Matters:

“I was asking a simple question that clearly [Cruz] didn’t like. I think voters have a right to know the answer.”

“Total BS. Listen to the interview.  I asked [Cruz] to explain the process his campaigning is using.”

“The only thing pathetic here is [critics on Twitter] lying about the interview. I asked a simple question, maybe [they] can answer it.”

Damn Hannity, gurl, the claws are OUT now, aren’t they? You don’t even care if Cruz gets everything in the divorce, you just wanna make sure everybody knows what a cheating, lying scumbag he is.

revenge angela bassett waiting to exhale

Way to not give him the power, right? In a fight between two assholes over custody and control of the Republican party it’s hard to know who’s side to take. Can’t they both lose? If GossiPol were the judge in this custody case (you know – if Judge Judy is unavailable), we would definitely side with Ted Cruz. Hold on a sec…

Reaction GIF: throw up, disgust, Woody Harrelson

Why, you ask? Because Ted Cruz is a monster of Sean Hannity’s own making. Sean Hannity getting mad at Ted Cruz is like Dr. Frankenstein getting pissed at his creation for being a rampaging zombie. For years now, Hannity has gone on divisive diatribes on his radio and TV shows, calling anyone in his party who disagrees with his ultra-conservative views a RINO (Republican In Name Only). If you’re not a tea partier dickwad, in Sean Hannity’s eyes you’re a traitor to the cause. So now when Ted Cruz, who uses the self-same tactics as his husband, Hannity, becomes popular, Hannity is somehow upset?

bitch please

Photo Credits: ImgurGiphy, Giphy, Reply Gif, Giphy

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4/20 Simultaneously Becomes The Most And Least Dank Day Ever

Today is April 20th.  As we’ve already covered in our previous blog post, April 20th is a sacred holiday that celebrates burning down some of the dankest weed you can get your hands on. It is also the day after the New York primaries, which had very un-dank results: both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump scored major victories last night. America, we know you wanted to do a little anticipatory 4/20 celebrating, but that doesn’t excuse you going to the polls baked out of your fucking gourd.

On the bright side, Ted Cruz came in dead last, as he fucking should. He even lost one district to literal sleeper candidate Ben Carson, who isn’t even running anymore. It’s not clear why Ted Cruz did so poorly in New York. Maybe it was that whole New York values kerfuffle (trademark: Judge Judith Sheindlin) which led to a series of hilarious NY Daily News covers.

Perhaps it was the shit-show that was his CNN Town Hall, where he paraded his hostages – I mean, family – around in a transparent attempt to appear likeable. Or maybe, it’s the fact that New Yorkers read GossiPol and have carefully studied our many articles on the subject of Ted Cruz’s fuckery. Whatever way you slice it, New York told Ted Cruz where he could shove it, and GossiPol could not be happier. Because of that, and because it’s 4/20, and because no matter the outcome of this election, Bernie Sanders has changed American politics for the better, we are going to celebrate these decidedly un-dank results with a decidedly dank Bernie Sanders meme.

Photo Credits: GiphyTumblr, Reddit

It’s 4/20, America! You Know What That Means?

It’s UN Chinese Language Day! No, wait…

It’s the day Hitler was born!

boo the princess bride

You’re right, that can’t be it since it’s not really a cause for celebration – quite the opposite actually.

Help me out here, America – there is some reason 4/20 is so popular. Think!

thinking winnie the pooh brainstorm

Aha! It’s:

National Lookalike Day!

Ted Cruz can celebrate his uncanny resemblance to Grandpa Munster, and this lady can mourn the day she confirmed, via her appearance on the Maury Show, that she looks uncannily like Ted Cruz.

A woman who was a guest on "Maury" looks just like Ted Cruz.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Mystery solved. Why, what did you think today was, America?

smoke everyday

Photo Credits: TumblrGiphy, GiphyThe Maury Show/Reuters via New York Daily News, Giphy

NC Governor Doesn’t Want “Government Overreach,” Keeps Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill

Because nothing says “government overreach” like having an ID check at a public restroom. Mississippi’s better bigoted half, North Carolina, is the OG of gender discrimination. North Carolina was the first to pass a so-called “bathroom bill” that requires people to use the bathroom of the gender that is listed on their birth certificate. This was in response to the city of Charlotte passing a non-discrimination ordinance. When Gov. Pat McCrory signed the bill into law, he tweefed (the Twitter version of “mouth-queefed”) out this gem:

“Ordinance defied common sense, allowing men to use women’s bathroom/locker room for instance. That’s why I signed bipartisan bill to stop it.”

Gov. McCrory, a Republican (what were you expecting, anyway?), tried to defend that shit law on Meet the Press yesterday, and his reasoning was as fuckwitted as you might expect. From NBC News:

“The city of Charlotte passed a bathroom ordinance mandate on every private sector employer in Charlotte, North Carolina, one of the largest, 15th, 16th-largest cities in the United States of America. And I think that’s government overreach. It’s not government’s business to tell the private sector what their bathroom, locker room, or shower practices should be. [….] We should continue to have the tradition that we’ve been having in this country for years. And we have a women’s facility and a men’s facility. You know, it’s worked out pretty well. [We’ve got to] deal with this extremely new social norm that has come to our nation at a very quick period of time.”

What can you say to this convoluted logic, except:

Thank goddess the government got involved in telling people where they could and couldn’t piss so they could prevent all that government overreach. Let’s also talk about that whole argument about not getting involved in private sector discrimination. Gov. McCrory had this to say about what would happen if the Charlotte non-discrimination ordinance were allowed to stand:

“This civil rights bill will wind up putting a homeowner in jail because he doesn’t sell his home to someone that some bureaucrat thinks he ought to sell it to. My friends, a man’s home is his castle…and he ought to be able to sell it to people with blue eyes and green teeth if he wants to; it’s his home.”

“We haven’t been against people. We’ve been against big government trying to take over and write a guideline for you and tell you how to cross the street, what to do with your union and your business when you know how to do it yourself.”

I’m just fucking with you. Those aren’t quotes from Gov. McCrory, they’re from infamous anti-segregationist, Democratic Gov. George Wallace of Alabama. But doesn’t it just flow nicely with the other bullshit? See, North Carolina, this is what happens when you legislate discrimination – you make it harder to tell the difference between you and the bad guys.

Photo Credits: GiphyMake A GIF, Giphy

Trump Is Super Jelly That Bernie Got To Meet The Pope

When Bernie Sanders was first invited to speak about wealth inequality at a Vatican conference, a lot of people shaded him and said that shit was a waste of time. He wasn’t even scheduled to meet with the Pope on his 20 hour visit, so how could he possibly make the Vatican dank again? Remember folks, this is Bernie Sanders we’re talking about. Of course he met with the Pope, and of course they had a five minute convo about income inequality and the environment, and of course the tanning bed shart that is Donald J. Trump was super jealous.

peanut butter and jealous

From CBS News:

“You know, he went to see the pope. Five minutes. [….] He said, ‘We talked about the environment, we talked about global warming, we talked about all these different things.’ And I said, wait a minute, he was only there five minutes. So the pope gave him five minutes. I wonder why the pope gave him five — he shouldn’t have given him that much time really. Five minutes sounds like, you know, ‘try and get me in to see him so I don’t get myself embarrassed before I come back to New York.’ A five minute visit, you cannot do much.”

Five minutes goes from being way too much time for the Pope to spend with Bernie, to not even enough time to say hello. Man, Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle was really put out that Pope Francis didn’t spend any time with him instead. Isn’t he pretty enough? Smart enough? Isn’t his dick big enough to get a papal audience?

jimmy fallon drunk slurring am i a pretty girl

Seriously, America, can you even imagine what a Trump/Pope meeting would look like? What’s the icebreaker for the Orange Don: regaling His Holiness with interesting tales about his three marriages? GossiPol’s suggestion would be the one where his mistress (and eventual second wife) Marla Maples got into a fist fight with his then-wife Ivana in Aspen. Or maybe they could discuss how smoking hot his daughter Ivanka is.

Once the initial awkwardness is out of the way, they can talk about the kind of issues that affect the world today: like how much immigrants suck and try to steal American jobs. That’s something the Pope can really get behind. Oh wait, maybe Pope Francis wouldn’t be on board with that idea

Back to Bernie though – did this meeting amount the Pope anointing him as the chosen one to lead American politics? Let’s ask Bernie, shall we? From NBC News:

“When NBC News asked whether the trip to the Vatican was an attempt to win a ‘papal endorsement,’ Sanders responded: ‘Oh, God no! Not – God, no!’ Then he laughed, adding: ‘That just came out.’”

That is also what she said, Bernie. Besides, the bird sent from heaven already anointed you as the Chosen One at that rally in Portland.

Photo Credits: Lipstick AlleyGiphy, Giphy, Tumblr, Threadless