Genteel Southern Lady Lindsey Graham Kinda Sorta Endorses Ted Cruz

And by “endorses” I mean “hard-core negs.” Blushing debutante and South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham once correctly said that choosing between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz for president is like having to choose between “being shot or poisoned. What does it really matter?” Now that Ms. Graham is caught between a rock and a hard place:

Jeb Bush That's What She Said gif

I’m WORKING Jeb! Anyway, now that Lindsey is in a – ahem – perilous situation, he has apparently decided that he would rather be poisoned. From CNN:

“I think he’s the best alternative to beat Donald Trump. […] I have doubts about Mr. Trump, I don’t think he’s a Republican, I don’t think he’s a conservative, I think his campaign’s built on xenophobia, race-baiting and religious bigotry, I think he’d be a disaster for our party and as Senator Cruz would not be my first choice, I think he is a Republican conservative who I could support.”

So the only way Ted Cruz can make friends is to have someone slightly more reprehensible than he is as a common enemy? Yup, that sounds about right. That’s kind of how The Bachelor has been one of ABC’s longest-running reality shows. “Yeah ladies, we KNOW you’d rather have a hysterectomy than make out with Juan-Pablo. But he’s the only dick in a twenty mile radius, so what are you going to do about it?”

The Last Man On Earth whatever fine side eye last man on earth

Photo Credits: Giphy, Now This News/Twitter, Giphy

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Sarah Palin Stumps For Donald Trump While Husband Chills In ICU

Family values are a super big deal to Sarah Palin. Just ask her. Don’t actually look for real life examples though. Knowing what we know about Sarah Palin, it should come as no surprise that she endorses a misogynistic kumquat for president. As we found out on Monday, that devotion runs DEEP. How deep you ask? Deep enough to stump for the Orange Don while her husband Todd languished in an ICU thousands of miles away. From Gawker:

“This morning, Sarah Palin canceled her Florida appearances with Donald Trump after her husband was hospitalized in intensive care last night [after a snowmobile accident]. This afternoon, Palin showed up in Florida anyway.”

Damn gurl, that’s:

Even more entertaining than the idea that Alaska’s favorite drunk aunt would rather be at a Trump rally than at her husband’s sickbed, is the shit that came out of her mouth once she made that fateful decision. This is my personal favorite:

“What we don’t have time for is all that petty, punk-ass little thuggery stuff that’s been going on with these quote-unquote ‘protesters,’ who are doing nothing but wasting your time and trying to take away your First Amendment rights, your rights to assemble peacefully.”

If you think that Sarah Palin’s word vomit is a result of worrying over her husband, I give you Exhibit A, better known as her initial endorsement speech for Trump. From Buzzfeed:

“Looking around at all of you, you hardworking Iowa families. You farm families, and teachers, and teamsters, and cops, and cooks. You rockin’ rollers. And holy rollers!”

“We kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.'”

“Right wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our god, and our religions, and our Constitution.”

Sodomy as allegory for America’s foreign policy? Check. Rambling mixed metaphors? Double check. Yup, it’s Sarah Palin alright. She is so eloguent you guys.

And to think, she was a heartbeat away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Good thing we learned our lesson, right America?

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Right. Never mind then.

Photo Credits: TLC via Giphy, Reddit, Twitter, Giphy

A Decidedly Un-Dank Super Tuesday

Bernie’s face is my face after last night’s Super Tuesday results. Not only did he fail to win a single state, even after Hillary Clinton effectively had a meltdown, but Donald Trump won almost every state on the Republican side. America, I have spoken to you time and again about your drinking habits, but you never seem to listen. You just won’t be satisfied until you have a tanning bed’s shart as president, will you? Haven’t you seen Idiocracy? Do you really want the equivalent of this guy as our head of state:

US President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

There is a silver lining. There were no Ted Cruz victories. Instead, the state of Ohio stopped huffing paint long enough to give their governor John Kasich a resounding primary victory. In the event of a brokered convention, Kasich could actually be the Republican nominee and stop the nation’s collective bad acid trip in its tracks. Let us hope. Now if anyone needs me, I’m going to be drowning my sorrows in a RuPaul’s Drag Race marathon, pretending that Alyssa Edwards is reading Donald Trump to filth:

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Gif Bay, Drag Official

Gov. Nikki Haley Endorses Ted Cruz Because – Wait, What?

You ever have that girlfriend who can’t stay away from the bad boys? You take her out to Chili’s after her latest douchebag dumps her to pursue his “music career.” About six rounds deep into two-for-one Presidente margaritas, she slurs out her new, girl-power motto: “I don’t need a man to validate me!” Right before she returns to puking up the remainder of tequila and Southwestern eggrolls, as the lady in the adjacent stall pretends not to notice. As you wipe the tears and smeared mascara from under her eyes, you know as well as she does that it’ll be about two weeks before she either goes back to that same douchebag or finds a new, worse one to hump on for about three months. Then you rinse and repeat, ’cause Chili’s happy hour is as cyclical as your bestie’s love life.

This is the very situation in which South Carolina governor Nikki Haley finds herself. Only she’s that fuckwit girlfriend who keeps going back to the bad boys. America, you’re the best friend who’s stuck wiping up her 100 proof vomit from the ladies’ room floor with toilet paper. Hope you at least left the poor server a good tip.

GIF: algebraicjake | Video: Jack McBrayer & Triumph Take On Chicago’s Weiner’s Circle

 

Gov. Haley told reporters in Columbia, S.C. that she won’t give Ted Cruz a formal endorsement (hmm…I wonder why that might be?), but she did gush over him like she’s his dickmatized girlfriend. From Politico:

“You know the only thing I can say now is my hope and my prayer is that Sen. Cruz can come through this and that he can really get to where he needs to go.”

This, by the way, is coming from the woman who thinks Trump’s anti-immigrant policies are xenophobic and anti-American. Shhh…don’t tell Gov. Haley about Ted Cruz’s views on the subject. Listen girl, I know you don’t like Donald Trump, but do you really believe that Ted Cruz is going to be any more civilized? That he’s any less of a piece of shit? That he will alienate his colleagues in D.C. any more than a sociopathic spray tan?

photo: We don’t like you.

But this one’s different, right? He’s gonna treat you so much better than the last jerkoff you endorsed. You can lie to yourself all you want Gov. Haley, but trust this: America is your best bud right now. However, if you keep dating dogs like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, we’re gonna leave you at Chili’s to wipe up your own puke pile.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tumblr, Tumblr

Can’t A Girl Hang With Her Bestie Every Once In Awhile?

Why the guilt by association in politics, huh? Come to think of it, George W. Bush puts the “ass” in “association,” am I right? Aw, please clap you guys.

Samuel L Jackson Cat Stare Off gifWhatever, I don’t need your approval.

In all seriousness, why is it political suicide for Hillary Clinton to be buds with Dubya? Aren’t we past the whole guilt by association thing? Just because she’s pleased to see him at Nancy Reagan’s funeral doesn’t mean she co-signs every thing he’s ever done in his presidency. Well, except for the Iraq War.

burn tv television ashton kutcher ashton

Sorry, can’t help myself. Anyway, if we are worried that Hillary’s association with Dubya is more than just getting turnt at the club together every once in a while, we have her voting record to guide us. Just shooting the shit with the guy shouldn’t mar what has been, overall, a centrist Democratic record. Bernie is still the dankest, but let’s not vote that way just because Hill-Dog pals around with Dubya once in a blue moon.

Photo Credits: David Chalian/Instagram via US Weekly, Giphy, Tumblr via Giphy