The last ember in the crack pipe has gone out for Rob Ford, who died today at the young age of 46. This is a legitimately sad day for us here at GossiPoL. We loved Rob Ford both ironically and un-ironically for the give-no-fucks politician he was during his short time on earth.
Let’s recap the life of Chris Farley’s speed-freak Canadian twin, who gave us so much joy during his drugged-out haze of a political career. He was a devoted public servant who coached high school football in his spare time. Sometimes he’d allegedly assault his student athletes, but you can’t make a championship omelet without breaking a few eggs, amirite?
During his time on the Toronto City Council, he saved taxpayers money by paying for office supplies from his own salary. He also called Italian city council member Giorgio Mammoliti a “Gino-boy,” which makes no fucking sense but is still definitely an ethnic slur (I guess?). Before you get your panties in a wad, realize that Ford was an equal opportunity offender. When arguing against AIDS-prevention legislation he said, “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line…those are the facts.” Asians even got included in the love-fest when he complimented “Orientals” for “work[ing] like dogs.” Aw, his racism was so adorable you guys!
In Rob Ford’s defense, he was probably really, REALLY high when he said that shit. After becoming mayor of Toronto, Rush Limbaugh’s face-twin was busted on video smoking crack. After weeks of denial, he finally admitted it with one of the most beautiful and poetic quotes of all time:
“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no – do I – am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”
At the moment Rob Ford gave this brilliant “sorry, not sorry” admission, he won the hearts and minds of Americans and Canadians everywhere. Yeah, he might have smoked crack, but he was black-out drunk, alright? Quit riding his ass about it, he’s got a city to run! Well, he had a city to run. After a rehab stint, Ford lost his mayoral spot, but he quickly got elected back to city council, where he served until he tragically died of cancer. Rest in peace Rob Ford. You’re in heaven now, going on benders with the angels.