Gov. Nikki Haley Endorses Ted Cruz Because – Wait, What?

You ever have that girlfriend who can’t stay away from the bad boys? You take her out to Chili’s after her latest douchebag dumps her to pursue his “music career.” About six rounds deep into two-for-one Presidente margaritas, she slurs out her new, girl-power motto: “I don’t need a man to validate me!” Right before she returns to puking up the remainder of tequila and Southwestern eggrolls, as the lady in the adjacent stall pretends not to notice. As you wipe the tears and smeared mascara from under her eyes, you know as well as she does that it’ll be about two weeks before she either goes back to that same douchebag or finds a new, worse one to hump on for about three months. Then you rinse and repeat, ’cause Chili’s happy hour is as cyclical as your bestie’s love life.

This is the very situation in which South Carolina governor Nikki Haley finds herself. Only she’s that fuckwit girlfriend who keeps going back to the bad boys. America, you’re the best friend who’s stuck wiping up her 100 proof vomit from the ladies’ room floor with toilet paper. Hope you at least left the poor server a good tip.

GIF: algebraicjake | Video: Jack McBrayer & Triumph Take On Chicago’s Weiner’s Circle

 

Gov. Haley told reporters in Columbia, S.C. that she won’t give Ted Cruz a formal endorsement (hmm…I wonder why that might be?), but she did gush over him like she’s his dickmatized girlfriend. From Politico:

“You know the only thing I can say now is my hope and my prayer is that Sen. Cruz can come through this and that he can really get to where he needs to go.”

This, by the way, is coming from the woman who thinks Trump’s anti-immigrant policies are xenophobic and anti-American. Shhh…don’t tell Gov. Haley about Ted Cruz’s views on the subject. Listen girl, I know you don’t like Donald Trump, but do you really believe that Ted Cruz is going to be any more civilized? That he’s any less of a piece of shit? That he will alienate his colleagues in D.C. any more than a sociopathic spray tan?

photo: We don’t like you.

But this one’s different, right? He’s gonna treat you so much better than the last jerkoff you endorsed. You can lie to yourself all you want Gov. Haley, but trust this: America is your best bud right now. However, if you keep dating dogs like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, we’re gonna leave you at Chili’s to wipe up your own puke pile.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tumblr, Tumblr

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