Earlier this week, I indulged in my favorite past time: calling in to Republican radio shows. This week, I talked to a local show about Ted Cruz. They asked me with all sincerity why I believed Ted Cruz was dishonest. This is one of those things, like John Travolta being a frequent bathhouse visitor, about which the average American remains blissfully unaware. After my call was over, I realized that people are actually prepared to vote for this asshole. Because I choose to believe the best in humanity, I refuse to accept that people are voting for Ted Cruz with the knowledge that he is the biggest bullshitter in the universe. I blame Common Core (thanks, Obama!). Therefore, it is my civic duty as someone with no job and nothing better to do to spread the word: Ted Cruz is not a nice person.
So how do we count the ways? Let’s start with the most obvious, which is how Teddy Boy introduced himself to the world: shutting down the government for 16 days in 2013 in an unsuccessful attempt to repeal Obamacare. Ted Cruz counts this among his greatest accomplishments – except when he doesn’t. That’s right, Ted Cruz will deny to your fucking face that he EVER had anything to do with shutting down the government. That he actually voted AGAINST shutting down the government, while at the same touting it as a bullet point on his resume.
I’m not even going to get into the reprehensible things he advocated during his tenure as Texas Attorney General, because we’ve already covered that in another blog post. Even when you exclude policy, Ted Cruz is a terrible person based solely on his ethics, which apparently go from miniscule to nonexistent during campaign season. From sending out deceptive mailers to shame Iowans into voting for him, to combative robocalls in South Carolina, to telling everyone Ben Carson had dropped out of the race when he hadn’t, Ted Cruz has built a long and illustrious history of being the shadiest motherfucker on the planet.
He can’t even apologize properly. After spreading the false rumor that Ben Carson was dropping out on the eve of the Iowa primaries, Teddy Boy told Ben Carson on the debate stage that he was sorry and wanted to meet privately. Carson agreed, on the condition that they not talk to the press about that conversation. Guess who ran his Grandpa Munster looking mouth to the press right after a contentious meeting in a broom closet?
Ted Cruz is a horrible human being, but don’t take my word for it. I have all sorts of biases that might color my perspective. Take the word of pretty much everybody that knows him, including friends and members of his own party. As bad as President Trump, a.k.a. President Mountain Dew Camacho, would be, at least he would be entertaining.
President Cruz (oh god, I just threw up in my mouth a little) would be far, far worse and not nearly as dynamic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to see if I can convert the time I spent on this blog post to community service hours.