After months of complaining that recent debates had degenerated into name-calling and dick-measuring, the candidates finally agreed to remain relatively civil and stick to the issues at last night’s Republican debate in Miami. So, are you happy now America? You got to hear what the candidates had to say on policy, and I think we can all agree that a two hour dick-measuring contest would have been preferable. At least I would have had more dick joke material.
John Kasich kicked things off by saying something about “blowing the whistle on everybody.” I don’t know what that was in reference to because I frankly wasn’t paying attention, but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn lemons into lemonade and make an off-color joke like: “John Kasich must be fun at orgies.” Am I right, guys? Huh? Please clap.
Of course, since the debate was held in Miami, and Donald Trump is going to get Mexico to pay for a wall that is approximately the size of his imaginary penis, immigration was a hot topic. The world’s classiest Cheeto dingle had this to say about the guest worker program:
“I know the [guest worker visa program] very well. It’s something that I frankly use and I shouldn’t be allowed to use, we shouldn’t have it. Very bad for workers.”
Let us all form a prayer circle around Donald Trump if heroin is ever legalized. After all, no matter how bad it is for him or the country, Donald will fucking try it so long as it is not illegal. What a cool guy. Not to be outdone on immigration hypocrisy, all of Trump’s competitors waxed poetic on their immigrant ancestors: Rubio on his Cuban parents, Cruz on his Cuban father, and Kasich on his Croatian grandparent. They all then breathed a sigh of relief, because now that their families are here safe and sound, every other immigrant can get the fuck out and stay there. We all on the same page now?
Social security was a fun topic, especially when Trump handled it with about the tone-deafness you’d expect from a guy who got his business going with a “small, $1 million dollar loan” from his daddy. Right after CNN moderator Dana Bash told him the SSA would run out of money in 20 years, Trump’s response was that he would keep it exactly the same and change nothing. Although now that I think of it, Trump’s poor grasp of basic mathematics might explain his inflated estimation of his dick size.
Shit got real when moderators started grilling Trump on his appalling foreign policy outlook. Instead of backing down on bro-ing out with Putin and praising China for massacring its own people in Tiananmen Square, Trump actually doubled down on that bullshit. Maybe when Trump says it’s big, he’s referring to the size of his balls.