Ever since Justice Scalia died after being murdered by a rogue pillow, President Obama and the Republican-controlled Senate have been fighting over who should replace the nation’s favorite casually racist jurist. Republicans insist that Obama can’t even nominate someone because he’s a lame duck president (he can, and he’s not). Obama insists that he can nominate a new justice and that Republicans are being big-ass babies about the whole thing. It’s strange that Republicans are so stubborn on this issue, especially since Democrats have historically comported themselves with dignity and class when the shoe’s been on the other foot (just kidding, they’ve also been total assholes about it).
So how do we solve this issue? Rest easy America, because your favorite political gossip blog/dick joke generator is on the case. We’ve got the perfect candidate:
Bitches, meet your new Supreme Court nominee: Judge Judith Sheindlin. She has the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent necessary for the SCOTUS. She’d burn through the entire docket in about a day. No convoluted written opinions would be issued from Judge Judy – she’d give her ruling from the bench and GTFO. There would be no confusion about that ruling either – she’d yell it at you while Officer Byrd escorted you out to make way for the next case. If you think that would be humiliating, think again: it is an honor and a privilege to be schooled by JJ. Any lawyer worth their salt would happily bend over so JJ could singe their ass hairs with her burning wit. When JJ reads you to filth, you are a better person for it. This has been proven time and again over the course of 20 seasons. Added bonus: she’s also sexy AF.
However, simply nominating JJ doesn’t go far enough. Obama needs to have the balls to get rid of those other eight, superfluous justices. Their services will no longer be required once Judy takes the bench. Since Her Honor will live to be approximately 185, she will have a long and prosperous reign for many generations to come. Scalia is dead – long live Judge Judy! Take it away Officer Byrd: