I really tried to fit a dick joke into the title, but I felt like “Getting the Lead Out” was a much more tasteful way to describe the Flint Water Crisis. GossiPoL is nothing if not sensitive and classy. As I set out to watch the next dick-measuring contest – I mean, presidential debate – I wondered if two grown, seasoned public servants arguing about substantive issues would get half as catty as four spoiled man-children yelling about their Johnsons.
Turns out, it got catty as hell! Thank goddess, because how else would I pay the bills? (Sidenote: Yes Mom, I’m aware that this blog doesn’t actually pay ANYTHING, but you seriously need to get out of my room so I can finish this post) Shit got real from the jump, when a Flint resident asked both candidates how she can trust the government when it poisoned her through its incompetence (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t, sorry ’bout it). She wanted to know each person’s plan to take away lead hazards from drinking water. Bernie Sanders gave a pretty straightforward response about investigating the EPA and funding the crumbling infrastructure. Hillary though – Hill-Dog wasn’t about to let Sanders outdo her:
“I will do everything I can. Water, soil, paint, we’re going to get rid of [the lead in] it.”
That’s pretty ambitious! So, you’re going to get rid of ALL of the lead in every body of water, every can of paint, every ounce of soil in all the United States of America? Even the Led from Zeppelin? If HRC can do that, fuck it – let’s elect her President of the Universe.
At one point during the debate, Bernie talked about doing shit in “the 1990’s.” I’m pretty sure he specified the century since he, by all appearances, was also alive during the 1890’s. Get it?
When Bernie wasn’t feeling himself on how awesome he was in “the 1990’s,” he was going in hard on HRC for being in Wall Street’s pocket. He got so hype at one point, he had to straighten his tie. That’s how you know you have hurt some feelings: when you yell so hard, your clothes blow sideways.
Not now, Jeb. Anyway, here are the shadiest things Bernie whispered in Hillary’s ear right before he cut her ass onstage. I affectionately call them “Bern Burns”:
“I am very glad that Secretary Clinton discovered religion on this issue but it’s a little bit too late. [She] supported virtually every one of the disastrous trade agreements written by corporate America.”
“If you’re getting $600,000 from Wall Street for a speech it must be a great speech. So great, you would probably want everyone to see it. You should release the transcript of that speech.”
“Excuse me, I’m talking.”
“If you are talking about the Wall Street bailout, where some of your friends destroyed this economy…”
Damn, Bernie, you are one shady bitch! Overall, things got heated. Hillary pulled the razors out of her hair, and cut at Bernie for voting against the auto bailout. Bernie slipped some contraband into the debate, though, and shanked back at Hillary for including the auto bailout in a Wall Street bailout package. Both sides knew their shit and didn’t back down, and I was very entertained. In the end, we here at GossiPoL are feeling the Bern, thanks in no small part to the Bernie Sanders’ Dank Meme Stash group on Facebook (editor’s note: do not click on that link unless you want to go down the Interwebs Rabbit Hole for half of your work day). We felt Bern won the day, and the Flint resident who “[threw up] in her mouth” at Hillary Clinton’s answers probably feels the same way. Congrats Bern!