Bernie Sanders Brings The Dank Back To Super Tuesday

After a disappointing finish –

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Jeb, you can’t keep butting in, especially after endorsing that fuckwit Senator Munster. After a disappointing – result – last Tuesday, Bernie Sanders rebounded by winning two out of three states in yesterday’s Democratic primary. Some outlets are saying wins in Utah and Idaho are still not enough to make up for Hillary winning delegate-rich Arizona. We here at GossiPoL, however, aren’t nearly as concerned with “facts” or “statistics” as we are with dankness. Let the dank memes roll, America!

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I’m going to pretend I didn’t see you voting for Trump and Cruz on the Republican side America.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Now This News via Twitter, Giphy

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Correction On GossiPoL’s Rob Ford Obit

Yesterday, GossiPoL posted a warm and loving tribute to Chris Farley’s late, coked-up, Canadian brother, ex-Toronto mayor Rob Ford. We claimed it was an exhaustive homage to his greatness, but neglected to mention an important life event. From Gawker:

“In a press conference [on November 14, 2013], Toronto’s honorable mayor Rob Ford told reporters that allegations that he ‘wanted to eat [staffer Olivia Gondek’s] pussy’ were not true. ‘I would never do that,’ he said. ‘I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.’

GossiPoL regrets the omission.

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Ted Cruz Has A Final Solution For Dealing With Muslim Terrorists

It sounds so much worse when we put it that way, doesn’t it? After the horrifying ISIS attack on Brussels that killed more than 30 people and injured scores more, all of the presidential candidates issued obligatory statements of support for the Belgian people. Except Ted Cruz took it a step further and barfed up his genius idea for putting a stop to terrorist attacks. From CNN:

“We need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized. [….] Our European allies are now seeing what comes of a toxic mix of migrants who have been infiltrated by terrorists and isolated, radical Muslim neighborhoods.”

“Hitler had some pretty good ideas about how to contain religious minorities,” he added. I made that last part up, but doesn’t it just flow nicely with that other bullshit?

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Ted Cruz might not care what a political dick joke generator has to say about his policies. But you know you done fucked up when even Donald Trump thinks your national security program is a “good idea.”

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I want to know, logistically, how Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby intends to carry out this brilliant scheme. He wants a special law enforcement unit to patrol “any area where there is a higher incidence of radical Islamic terrorism.” Soooo…the Twin Towers then? That San Bernardino government office? If you know where a terror cell is located, don’t wait for a fucking invitation – go in there and arrest those dickwads. But isn’t that the rub? You DON’T know where these terror cells are, because if you did, problem solved. Goddess forbid Ted Cruz and his silly putty face admit that he doesn’t have all the answers. It’s so much easier to blame a minority scapegoat and call it a day.

Photo Credits: Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Imgur

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Dies

The last ember in the crack pipe has gone out for Rob Ford, who died today at the young age of 46. This is a legitimately sad day for us here at GossiPoL. We loved Rob Ford both ironically and un-ironically for the give-no-fucks politician he was during his short time on earth.

Let’s recap the life of Chris Farley’s speed-freak Canadian twin, who gave us so much joy during his drugged-out haze of a political career. He was a devoted public servant who coached high school football in his spare time. Sometimes he’d allegedly assault his student athletes, but you can’t make a championship omelet without breaking a few eggs, amirite?

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During his time on the Toronto City Council, he saved taxpayers money by paying for office supplies from his own salary. He also called Italian city council member Giorgio Mammoliti a “Gino-boy,” which makes no fucking sense but is still definitely an ethnic slur (I guess?). Before you get your panties in a wad, realize that Ford was an equal opportunity offender. When arguing against AIDS-prevention legislation he said, “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line…those are the facts.” Asians even got included in the love-fest when he complimented “Orientals” for “work[ing] like dogs.” Aw, his racism was so adorable you guys!

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In Rob Ford’s defense, he was probably really, REALLY high when he said that shit. After becoming mayor of Toronto, Rush Limbaugh’s face-twin was busted on video smoking crack. After weeks of denial, he finally admitted it with one of the most beautiful and poetic quotes of all time:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no – do I – am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”

At the moment Rob Ford gave this brilliant “sorry, not sorry” admission, he won the hearts and minds of Americans and Canadians everywhere. Yeah, he might have smoked crack, but he was black-out drunk, alright? Quit riding his ass about it, he’s got a city to run! Well, he had a city to run. After a rehab stint, Ford lost his mayoral spot, but he quickly got elected back to city council, where he served until he tragically died of cancer. Rest in peace Rob Ford. You’re in heaven now, going on benders with the angels.

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Obama Does That Thing That Republicans Said He Couldn’t Do

I’m talking about nominating a Supreme Court justice, not butt stuff. Fucking over Obama is actually Congress’ favorite pastime. Yesterday, President Obama nominated D.C. Court of Appeals’ chief judge Merrick Garland (which, ironically, is also his drag name) to replace Antonin Scalia, who died after an unfortunate pillow fight. Republicans argued that Obama not only shouldn’t but couldn’t nominate a replacement, because apparently they didn’t consult their trusty pocket Constitution that says yes, he totally could and definitely should. So anyway, he did. The U.S. Senate’s head hussy, Senator Mitch McConnell, says the Senate will confirm him in the year 20-NEVER BITCH! From CNN:

“The American people may well elect a president who decides to nominate Judge Garland for Senate consideration. The next president may also nominate someone very different. Either way, our view is this: Give the people a voice in the filling of this vacancy.”

As we all know thanks to Jon Stewart, Senator McConnell is the world’s most politically savvy tortoise.

Far be it from me to question the judgment of a creature so wise, but the people did have a voice. They voted for our president. They voted for all the fuckwits currently calling themselves senators, to include McConnell. So how, exactly, are we depriving the American people of a voice on this issue? Fucking don’t confirm him for all I care. Based on his previous opinions, I’d actually say they shouldn’t confirm him, at least if they care about Fourth Amendment protections. Be honest though Congress, this is just an excuse to have one less thing to do at work. Come to think of it, I might have to give McConnell props on that one.

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Photo Credits: Gif Bin via Imgur, Daily Show via Wonkette, Reddit via Giphy