The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

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Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Photo Credits: Radio New Zealand, Giphy, Business Insider, Snopes, BuzzFeed, NY Times, geekXpop, Media Matters, Cosmopolitan, Giphy, Giphy

Time For Trump Dogg and EPA To Regulate

Now that we have Nate Dogg rolling in his grave, let’s talk about something equally depressing: the Kumquat Despot’s full-blown assault on government regulations. We only have space for the EPA today, but we see you Betsy DeVos, you rape apologist cock sprain, and we’ll get to you soon enough.

It doesn’t sound sexy at first, but it gets a lot more exciting when you find out it’s only taken 8 months for the Trump administration to completely and utterly fuck this country for generations to come, simply by removing a few pesky laws to the benefit of their billionaire buddies.

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Don’t worry, America. We’ll do our best to pepper this boring-ass exposition with as many dick jokes and drag queen GIFs as humanly possible. Since you elected a Cheeto-dusted turd with the attention span of a goldfish on crack, we know you need visual aids and a hearty helping of cock talk to keep you interested. So here you go.

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Since Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget allowed the GOP’s Mad Magazine centerfold to utterly decimate environmental regulations, we’re already noticing some negative side effects. Who could have foreseen that allowing corporations to run roughshod over laws preventing pollution and water contamination would be such a shitty idea?

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Since Scott Pruitt took over as EPA Administrator, he and the Apricot Asshole have torched the following regulations. Keep in mind this list from National Geographic is not exhaustive:

• The advisory panel for the National Climate Assessment board has been eliminated.

• A couple of weeks before Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, Trump revoked an Obama-era regulation requiring federally-funded projects to adhere to a Federal Flood Risk Management Standard.

• Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accord, joining the dubious company of Syria and Nicaragua as the only countries not to sign on.

• EPA scientists recommended the total ban of the pesticide chlorpyrifos on account of it causing brain damage. Pruitt told them to go fuck themselves, probably on the advice the former Dow lobbyist who now works with him on hazardous chemical regulations.

• The Orange Don rescinded the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, which aimed to reduce CO2 emissions at power plants.

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Which brings us to the Arkema chemical plant spill. Due to a Category 4 windbag shitstorm hitting Texas (no we’re not talking about the President, because he’s obviously a Category 5), a plant just outside of Houston that manufactures plastics exploded and started spilling a shit ton of ALLEGEDLY toxic chemicals. I have to say ALLEGEDLY in all caps, since Arkema successfully lobbied the Trump administration to delay regulations on those chemicals. The CEO of Arkema insists that the explosive chemicals are perfectly safe to breathe in, which must be why 15 first responders had to be hospitalized after vomiting and asphyxiating on those harmless fumes.

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In fact, the chemicals are so safe to breathe, Arkema initially refused to tell people what those chemicals were. Which, of course, is perfectly legal in Texas because of their asshole former-AG current-governor, who said if people really wanted to know about what kind of chemicals were in their backyard power plant, they could drive around and ask the plants themselves. Thanks, Greg Abbott!

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With the awesome combined powers of the state of Texas and the Trump Administration (think of them as an earth-raping anti-Captain Planet), Houston is now proper fucked after Harvey. From the AP:

“Harvey’s filthy floodwaters pose significant dangers to human safety and the environment even after water levels drop far enough that Southeast Texas residents no longer fear for their lives, according to experts. [….] Also stirred into the noxious brew are spilled fuel, runoff from waste sites, lawn pesticides and pollutants from the region’s many petroleum refineries and chemical plants.”

Don’t worry, though! Pruitt’s EPA is on the case! Not the case of cleaning up the environmental mess left by Harvey and lax regulations, though. Sorry, is that what you thought we meant? We meant that he’s on the case of fighting with the AP over correctly reporting that the EPA was dicking around instead of cleaning up after Harvey. From the Washington Post:

“The Environmental Protection Agency is all over Michael Biesecker, a reporter for the Associated Press. [….] On Sept. 2, Biesecker and colleague Jason Dearen [published], ‘AP EXCLUSIVE: Toxic waste sites flooded, EPA not on scene.’ In all, the outlet had visited seven Superfund sites in the Houston region. Several hours after the AP issued its story, the EPA responded with a statement indicating that it had seen aerial imagery showing that 13 of 41 sites were flooded and were ‘experiencing possible damage.’ The statement started out by denouncing ‘misleading and inaccurate reporting’ on the topic.”

Oh, sorry EPA! You looked at some pictures, and you think that counts as being “on-site”? I saw some pictures of the aftermath of Harvey on Twitter today. Where do I get my EPA paycheck? Seriously, fuck you guys so hard. We know your Orange Overlord probably instructs you to nurse your grudges with the media like a newborn suckling at your teats, but can you at least pretend to give a fuck about the people devastated by this hurricane?

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Yeah, we thought that might be too much to hope for.

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Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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